So the talk was a very lonnnnng conversation. First, he apologized for avoiding me and treating me like that and said I definitely didn’t deserve that.

Then, the talk started with him thinking that I wanted to date exclusively, right now, or nothing. Now that I know he is traveling for most of June (gone for 10 days, back for a week, gone for another three weeks… probably), that wasn’t how I felt. I did bring up the exclusivity conversation two weeks ago, but afterwards I was also feeling like it was too soon (and I hadn’t known about his travel plans when I brought up the convo). Also, I thought the desire for exclusivity was coming from him, too (mentioning “new relationship” a lot, asking me how I feel about kids and when I said I wasn’t sure and wouldn’t want to be the primary caretaker saying that was perfect since he’s always wanted to be a stay-at-home dad, asking me if I want to go to Oktober Fest which is four months away, saying he’s thought about our three-year age difference and apparently read that was a good amount for a relationship (we are 26 and 29), stuff like that).

So for a while it seemed like maybe we would kind of keep seeing each other and sort of play it by ear while he was traveling. But I didn’t want to come out of the conversation thinking everything was fine between us and then try to text him and feel like he was blowing me off again, so I said exactly that to him. I tried to ask him if he thought seeing me in the week before he leaves and the week when he’s back would be a priority, and he said he couldn’t know how he would feel. He just got really freaked out about commitment after our convo about it. During this part of the conversation we agreed to both think about how we felt about things and talk again. I’m a planner and I could envision kind of torturing myself, like “well, Firefighter has 5 days in town, I’m sure he’ll text me soon… 4 days, haven’t heard anything… 3 days… okay he’ll probably be at this group thing, do I go? Is that awkward?.. 2 days, is he really not gonna text me?!” It sounds like a bunnnnch of anxiety.

He does have a lot on his mind: he just moved to Europe, his last remaining grandparent got diagnosed with cancer, he has other family issues, he hasn’t found a job yet (in our city, you can pretty much get an English teaching job in five minutes so that isn’t really an issue), but yeah. He’s a bit all over the place. So he went on kind of a long thing about all his issues. He said he’s “bad at relationships.” I told him that was bullshit and that anyone can be good at relationships as long as they are a decent human and communicator. He said he feels trapped in relationships and his last one ended badly and he feels like he just got out of a relationship (it was December). He also really hated being a drunk douche and can’t promise that it won’t happen again and that bothers him a lot. He’s not sure if he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol since that’s not the first time that happened, albeit first time in a lonnnng time. So he ended up saying he isn’t emotionally ready for a relationship. I dunno if we are still supposed to be “thinking” but it seems pretty over to me.

I am super bummed because I haven’t met anyone in a lonnnng time that I clicked this well with. (Over a year!) Similar values, similar interests, similar senses of humor, so much fun to hang out with, mutual respect, and, not that this is a good reason to date someone, but pretty much my physical ideal.

I am also super bummed because I’ve never felt like I could so easily identify the two things that ruined everything:
1) the exclusivity convo – it was definitely too soon, and I could have waited. I didn’t NEED to be exclusive then, and a big part of it was that all my friends just coupled up and kept asking me if we were official and when we could go on double/triple dates, etc. and I let that pressure get to me. Also, I said, kind of as a joke “ok, we’ll table it, but in a month you have to ask me in a romantic way!” Ugh! I regretted saying that immediately, it was demanding and unnecessary, and later he admitted it really freaked him out.
2) the drunk incident – I could tell he was too drunk and I should’ve left him with his friends. They were going home a different way. But I insisted on taking him home my way because I thought he would sober up and we could go sleep together at my place. The whole drunk douche incident, which also really freaked him out, could’ve been easily avoided.

He basically admitted those two things ruined everything.

I’m trying to tell myself that all the other issues would’ve come out eventually in a different way. But I’m not totally convinced of that. They say timing is everything.

I also know I shouldn’t be this upset over a short relationship. It’s partially losing him and partially the lost possibilities.

Meh. A mutual friend is having a party tonight, but I’m thinking I probably won’t go. I also have to work all day today and tomorrow and I am dreading it 🙁

You didn’t ruin it, Lucia. He was always going to be the “bad at relationships, can’t give you what you want” guy. You just found out sooner by asking him. A normal healthy guy who was into you would either say, “yeah!” Or worst case, something more like, “I really like where this is going, I really like you, I just need a little more time.” Or you wouldn’t have had to ask him at all.

All that stuff about being bad at relationships and a drunk douche is a loud and clear warning that “I’ll just let you down.” I think the message is, I’m not gonna be a douche and end this, I’d rather you did that for me. Meanwhile I’ll see you if you want to and I have time, but I warned you that I suck, so don’t expect anything. The “this is your fault” is classic blame-shifting. Don’t fall for it.

Yeah, that’s how it is in the first few months, and those breakups can hurt the worst because it’s all excitement and possibility. I can understand not being able to let go at this point. Based on what you wrote, I think he’s breaking up with you and trying to put it on you, but I know how hard it would be for you to take the lead and end it. that said, the things he said and the blaming you are really bad signs. The “I’m not emotionally ready for a relationship” clinches it. And the hedging about getting together before his trip… It’s a breakup. But absolutely not your fault.

I know it’s hard — we’ve all been there, we all know this sucks. BUT! This is an opportunity for you to empower yourself and say, “You know what, no. I deserve better. I deserve someone whom I not only feel a connection with, but who doesn’t act like a drunk douche within weeks of us meeting and who doesn’t claim to be “bad at relationships,” and doesn’t blame me for things moving too quickly or him getting scared. I deserve someone is isn’t scared by the idea of being with me!”

Don’t wait for him to miss you. Don’t let him get the power here. Tell him you thought about what he said and you’re choosing to believe he’s bad at relationships and that’s not what you’re looking for, even though he has other qualities that you are looking for. Wish him well and be on your way. I promise, as much as it sucks and it hurts, the empowerment will be the longer-lasting of the emotions you feel from this. And it will carry over into future relationships. It’s basically like sending a message to the universe that you aren’t fucking around and to do better next time.

I don’t think there should be this much confusion and drama a month in. Also, it is not at all your fault that he was drunk and an asshole to you. That could have been avoided by him not drinking. If angry drunken episodes aren’t uncommon for him, that’s a pretty big red flag. In my experience, guys that have an issue with drinking and how they behave early on in a relationship will get worse the more comfortable you get with each other.

Thanks for the comments. I know you guys are right. Of course I see it intellectually, just trying to get it to sink in emotionally. I’m going to tell him definitively that it’s over.