DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Well, long term I am looking for a primary life partner sort of relationship. He and I had talked a lot about it – not like planning a wedding or anything but we had a lot in common, we felt really comfortable around each other, and just seemed to be really well matched in a lot of ways. And he kept telling me that he could see a future with me and he really wanted that kind of relationship. At the same time, he was feeling really conflicted because his other partner, who he has been with for a long time, also wanted those things with him but he couldn’t really see that kind of long term future with her. But it is still a relationship that he cares about and didn’t want to lose. So he wasn’t sure what to do.
They decided, and I found out last week, that she is moving out here and they are going to give it a go, so if I stay in the relationship it will be as a secondary partner. But part of me feels like I have escalated it too much in my head and I’m not sure I can be okay with it. But I’m also not certain that I can’t. I know that even though he might have been a really really good match, other people will be too. And I really do understand why he made this decision. And I really really love having him in my life. No one has ever had quite the knack he does for making me smile and laugh, and I don’t know anyone else who quite shares my passionate enthusiasm for musicals.
What set me off on “I’m not sure anything he’s ever said to me is true” is that apparently this was in active planning mode for a month and a half, and the night that he informed me of it, up until that moment all night he had been acting and talking like everything was perfectly normal and nothing had changed.
@veritek that all sounds great! I don’t think you should force yourself to date if you feel burned out by it. In my experience you just end up wasting time and feeling emotionally depleted.
@stone have you discussed how his other relationship shifting to a more primary role would impact your relationship? I mean you said it would mean your relationship would be secondary, but what does that entail? Maybe it would help you decide if you knew the impact on your relationship – how much time you spend together, frequency of communication, etc. Of course, even if he does have a reassuring answer it could change. I guess ultimately if you can be happy being secondary, that’s your decision. No one is going to be able to answer that better than you, especially those of us that aren’t in open relationships or poly. But I understand why you feel like the rug has been swept out from under you. A heads up would have been nice. I suppose he was putting off telling you until he knew it was 100% certain.
We’re having dinner tonight to talk about it. He says that the only real difference will be that we stop talking about running away together. Which I know is not true, but it’s hard to tell how things will really change.
What I’m thinking is that, if it really makes me miserable I can still end it. Giving it a shot doesn’t mean resigning myself to a relationship that makes me unhappy, it just means trying it on and finding out if it does make me unhappy.
Sometimes I feel totally fine with the thought of it, and other times I feel bitter and sick to my stomach.
I’m just really torn.
@stone I don’t think you have to figure it all out right now. Can you take a week or two apart and see how you feel? I would feel like the rug had been pulled from me too. Completely understandable.
I don’t know… I had a long boozy lunch but it seems to me if he’s wanting to give it a real go with her as a primary partner and that’s something you’re looking for too, would he not be a distraction to finding that for yourself? Obviously I’m not in a poly relationship and I’m talking out of my butt right now but I want you to find that primary relationship that will make you feel happy and secure.
@Nookie That is definitely a factor I’m taking into consideration. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had to drastically change my expectations for a particular relationship or distance myself emotionally somewhat, and I’ve done it successfully, but I’ve also never been this attached.
So if I can really truly let go of the idea of having this person as a primary life partner, completely accept that it’s not going to happen, then this is all absolutely possible and could work out.
Otherwise, I am setting myself up for misery and will definitely not be able to really seek out the kind of relationship I want.
But… why do you have to give up the idea of having a primary partner? I don’t know, I don’t know you but I’d be pretty miserable being a secondary partner with no one to call my own if that’s what I truly wanted. You have to be true to yourself, n’est pas? Oh look, I’ve turned into a French prat.
Honestly, it’s your life and I hope I’m not coming across preachy. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to have yourself a primary partner who has the same ideals as you, with all the fun you both want on the side.
He sounds kind of weaselly to me, what with filling your head with bright thoughts of the future, telling you that the other woman isn’t the one yet actually planning the future with her. Who knows what he’s said to her about you? I’d proceed with extreme caution, he doesn’t sound much different from the slimy dudes we’re always hearing about in the letters at this stage.
Sorry @Stone, I misread what you wrote – I blame beer. I hope it all works out for you and you’re able to keep this person in your life while still exploring other opportunities to find a secure primary partner for yourself. I’m still not sure keeping the Physicist in your immediate life would be good for you but of course, only you can figure that out.
Had dinner with Physicist last night. And stayed up late. And drank a lot of wine. Like a *lot* of wine. There was some angry ranting. A lot of angry ranting.
I have decided to give it a shot, even if it’s a terrible idea and not at all good for me. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be able to let go or move on unless I at least try.
I might be a complete idiot. We’ll see.Wait- was this ranting and wine with him?
I mean, what you wrote here, you tone and all- pretty much tells me you know this is a bad idea and feel the need to punish yourself and go through with it. So the question is why? Why do you feel the need to punish yourself? To make yourself go through this and feel shitty?
I mean, he lured you in with the warm and fuzzies and then dumped a bomb on you that contradicted all the warm and fuzzies he reeled you in with and got you hooked. Whether he did it on purpose or not, it seems like a bait and switch. I thought the point of being in relationships was to be open and honest, especially in a polyamourous one where you are dealing with more people and more feelings and more grey lines for which there are less societal norms to help you out with.
