DW Community Catch-up Thread
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If Sunday comes and you havent heard of him, it probably means that he is ghosting you. If it is true that he is in the Middle East, well it’s 2016 and there is WiFi at hotels, and emails and phones.
Although, I think you should just wait and try to calm your thoughts right and distract yourself right now, people do this stuff all the time. For attention, for power, etc. Let’s assume he is telling the truth, though and he’s just trying to figure this out. If you haven’t heard from him by Sunday or Monday, when you should’ve, that’s when you can assume he’s a lying dickwad.
How fucking sad that at 30 years old, people still resort to “ghosting” as a way to break up with someone that they’re in a committed relationship with.
Am I the only one who doesn’t think it’s weird if he doesn’t reach out at all between now and when he gets back? It’s only been two months, right? (I’m not totally up-to-date on the history with this guy so I apologize if I missed something obvious. I’ve been dating someone about as long and if I were going on an international interview trip, I probably wouldn’t reach out to him while I was gone. We haven’t had an exclusivity talk, though. And, not that I’m immune to things like over-thinking when I start feeling invested in someone or being hurt by things like this, but I think if someone I’d been with for two months got overly upset with me because I didn’t communicate enough when I had something stressful like a big interview going on, I’d probably be annoyed.) If you want to reach out to him while he’s there, I think Kate’s “hope you got there safe!” text is appropriate. Wait until he’s back and have a calm “this hurt my feelings” talk with him at that point. I know weird things happen all the time and people do shady/shitty things, but all this speculation that he has a secret double life seems far-fetched to me in light of what I’ve read.
Thanks again Wendy, for helping me out with finding the right words to say. It helps me to have a game plan in my head, even if I have to sit and do/say nothing for now.
@Copa I just think it’s weird because we have a pattern of talking on the phone every single day.
I tend to equate the super gung-ho-from-the-start-about-being-exclusive-people to that one friend we all have who is so excited and into helping out whenever someone pitches an idea for something fun. They are good at getting the momentum going, at getting people involved, in going the extra mile to do some brainstorming or adding in some extra ideas……but when it actually comes down to nailing down the time or the location, they put the brakes on and suddenly aren’t sure if they can 100% make it. The planning was fun, the brainstorming ideas was great, but when it comes down to execute…..they were more in it for the hype. It’s not because they are bad people, they just get wrapped up in the momentum and aren’t actually looking at how things work into their day/life plan. In the moment, things are great! awesome!
This is kind of how I see this guy- he’s so into the idea of finding a life partner, so yeah, he’s going to fly to visit you, he’s going to be sweet and contact you, etc etc, but when a big life decision comes along, he needs to pump the brakes because he hasn’t really given much thought about what he wants from life or how you might actually potentially fit into that.
And yeah, ghosting is bs.
I think it’s weird because it’s out of character for this guy, who texts and face times throughout the day and calls almost daily.
ALSO – I just saw what you said about how you’ve both discussed what you’re looking for and how you feel misled about this. Isn’t it possible that this opportunity came out of nowhere? When I moved to my current city, I applied for a job I didn’t think I’d hear back from. In the span of about three weeks, I interviewed a couple times, quit my job, and moved to a new state/city. I wasn’t dating anyone at the time, but if I had been and they’d asked me what I was looking for at the time, I would’ve told them I was looking for a life partner. I still would’ve applied for the job I moved for notwithstanding and don’t feel I would’ve misled anyone if I’d said I wanted a life partner and a job I thought was a long-shot ended up working out in my favor. It just would’ve been shitty timing.
Yeah, I just don’t know that I find it weird if someone who is in contact daily temporarily ceases contact when he’s abroad for an interview. It IS a change in behavior, but there’s also been a change in normal routine on his end, which is why I don’t find it THAT weird. It’d be way weirder to put this much effort into ghosting someone, if that’s what he’s doing.
Yes, it’s weird bc it’s out of character and a disruption of their usual communication pattern.
The two months of dating thing has to be seen in context. I mean, I’ve dated plenty of guys for two months, but I’ve never declared exclusivity that early, especially with someone long distance. So, that seems unusual for me and what I’m used to. However, when Drew and I started dating — and we were long distance — we talked every single day and I knew he was definitely interested in me, even though we didn’t talk exclusivity for months. I would have thought it VERY strange if he suddenly announced two months in that he had a job offer halfway around the world and then he took off for a meeting and didn’t contact me for days. Like, in all the talking we did every single day, you never mentioned this job? And then you didn’t bother to check in with me — even a text — to say, “I’m here. Sorry to drop that on you. We’ll talk when I get back” ?
But there are other guys from my past I may have even dating for two months and I wouldn’t have thought much if they took off for a few days or accepted a job far away without telling me because we were super casual, not exclusive, and not talking every single day.
Context!
I’m with you @Copa. Traveling is stressful. Interviewing is stressful. Time changes can be stressful. So all that combined would take a toll on me. I mean if he usually checks in at 8 am your time, what time is the for him? I also don’t think at 2 months it’s necessary to discuss job options with a romantic partner. Many people don’t discuss jobs until they’re a sure thing. Plus he might not have even applied. I know in my company you can be tapped for a job, interview, and informally offered the job before you even do the formal application. Things can move very quickly, so I can understand not broadcasting anything until it’s definite.
Plus I feel like if a LW wrote in and said “my boyfriend of 2 months got a job offer and had to leave to interview across the globe last minute, but now he isn’t talking to me as much as he usually is” most of us would say to chill out because that’s not uncommon. Obviously it sucks to be on the receiving end, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable on his part.
