DW Community Catch-up Thread
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He finally said sorry.
“Hey you know I’m at a loss for words as well. That’s why I haven’t texted back. You’re a sweet person and I didn’t want to break your heart. I didn’t think we’d get so close so fast. But this job is something i have to go through with to attain my goals. My ambitions aren’t conducive to a relationship I guess. I’m really sorry bae. I hope we can stay in touch.”
But yeah. Basically WEES about dating. It’s getting frustrated and lonely and it seems like being ghosted is just the norm these days.
@Ale, my relationship ended mostly because of communication issues. He has some severe anxiety issues that i never realized were as bad as they are. Coupled with immaturity and an inability to communicate his feelings we were on a bad track toward break up town. I never truly realized how he felt about any of it until it was ended rather dramatically.
Ultimately in my heart of hearts i knew he wasn’t the man for me, i just didnt want to give up on what i “thought” could be a good thing. But marriage is about a lot more than that, and i know that not being with him is for the best.
One of things i am talking to my therapist about a lot is listening to my gut more and learning to trust my own intuition. I have a great intuition and when i dont listen to it i get myself in trouble. I think i need to work on trusting myself more and when i feel something isnt right, doing something about it.
Again this is all from my perspective, but if your gut is telling you something is off i think its important to explore what that may be about.
He didn’t think you’d get close so fast? When he was sending you heart emojis and face timing you from the airport and asking you to be exclusive after a few dates? Ok guy. If your ambitions aren’t conducive to a relationship, why are you trying to have one? I would go no contact at this point, block and delete everywhere.
@Ale, you said “I feel sometimes like we should just break up. But I don’t want to break up because in many ways, this has been the best relationship I’ve ever had.” Just because it’s the best you’ve had so far doesn’t mean that there wouldn’t be one better out there. Being in a relationship and feeling like maybe you should break up is not what’s best for you. He does sound immature and that must be hard to deal with. Silent treatment when you’re stuck in a car with someone is just cruel.
yeah ALE.. I think in another thread we are talking about ways to be better communicators, but even when we give the silent treatment, at the end of it there’s an apology and then a talk about feelings and what brought that on. Not laying on the blame game
Ale – have you ever heard of the 4 horsemen? https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/.
The silent treatment is actually a huge issue, it’s called stonewalling. It’s one of the classic predictors of relationship demise. A great book that I always recommend is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It’s based on a significant body of research and it is really relatable.
MissDre: I’m sure the apology doesn’t help, but now you can close the door and move on. Some people really LIKE to like people and don’t put much thought into what it means or where it’s going and how it can lead people on in the process.
There was an apology and a promise to never do it again. That was after the whole conversation though. And, as always, a promise to start trying to communicate better. He is immature but he has come a looooong way.
I have thought of breaking up but I fear a life without him. He has brought so much into my life. So, when I think about ending things I almost always dismiss the thought quickly. However this time, I actually thought about it, and he knew what I was thinking.
I actually read about the four horsemen a while ago, and I know the silent treatment is not an option in a relationship.“I have thought of breaking up but I fear a life without him. He has brought so much into my life. So, when I think about ending things I almost always dismiss the thought quickly.”
That’s not a great way to feel about a guy you’re contemplating a long term future and family with. It’s how I felt about my exes, particularly my last ex-bf. We were really bad together, and your relationship sounds more functional, but still. I feared being alone and losing the friends and social stuff he’d brought into my life. I often thought about breaking up with him, and tbh I did actually break up with him a few times.
I didn’t ever feel that way about my husband. Like frequent thoughts of breaking up and feeling the appeal of being single.
I will say that from an outside perspective, the interactions and communication you have with you boyfriend sound problematic, and if your gut is saying that the future you want is far off or even unattainable with him, you’re probably right.
Everything he brought into your life would still be there with you if you were single, wouldn’t it? I mean, other than the physical companionship. Anything I was scared of losing, I didn’t, in the end, and I moved forward to be much happier.
The 4 horsemen, I remember learning about them in a Human Bonding course in college. Very interesting, and true. Also relating to Gottman’s work, I think turning toward each other is so important (“responding favorably to one’s spouse’s bids for attention, affection, humor or support.”)
I didn’t mean it like I am afraid of being alone, I’ve been alone before and it went great. I could be alone again, it’s not like I can’t take it.
But a relationship has to make your life better, not worse. And I feel like he has improved my life. My life is much better with him than without. It is just the communication.. Damn. We have talked about it and he wants to improve. He is the big brother, parents divorced at 9, dad left for another woman. At 9 he had to “take over” and be the man of the house. So, you get the picture. He can talk about his feelings when encouraged but other than that, remains quiet and never says anything until he has to.I mean, don’t break up if your heart doesn’t feel it, but communication issues like this can be such a struggle.
My parents have been married 45 years and STILL struggle with communication because they’re both kinda messed up. My mom says she would have left him in the first year of marriage if she hadn’t gotten pregnant and her dad wasn’t a total dick like “NO DIVORCE!” They didn’t seem super happy to me growing up, though they kept their fights private. I know they still are working through things. They’re happy now, but… Damn, what a slog. That said, I definitely don’t see contempt, stonewalling, or too much criticism / defensiveness with them. It’s other stuff.
It’s so much easier when you can just communicate with someone harmoniously.
I would say that’s not great, if you fantasize about being alone often. And he really does sound dry immature and sort of hostile? Like what in the hell did you even supposedly do to make him so angry? That’s just weird to me.
Another thing to always keep in mind…if you stay with the guy that’s not great for you, you are keeping yourself from meeting someone who might be better for you.
Every relationship I’ve had, I’ve learned a lot and they brought great things into my life…and some of them also brought really shitty things. But in my personal experience, each one was better and better. You get better at being in relationships as you experience more, too.
Don’t settle for good enough.
