DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@kmttht, funny, he’s not a tool, he’s a good guy. He’s just not ready to commit to this woman and knows she wants more than he can give. He’s clear with her that they’re “dating.” He hasn’t agreed to be her boyfriend. He did say he wasn’t seeing anyone else, which is true. Would she be upset if she knew what he was doing at the party? I would think so, but…you have to figure if a guy says he’s not seeing anyone else but doesn’t want to put a title on it, he’s not ready to promise exclusivity.
And, sigh, it’s not because you’re not pretty enough. Look around you. Is everyone who’s in a good relationship a 9 or 10? Haha, no. You know that’s not your issue. I think it just gives you something tangible to try to control, which I get. And please, please do not tan, unless it’s spray.
Have you also thought about how pretty youd have to be to be infidelity-proof? Prettier than Ms. Jennifer Aniston? Eva Longoria? Sandra Bullock? Tiger Woods’ ex wife Elin? Right?
@TheLadyE Thanks, I’m glad I’m not the only one. I am focusing on my friendships but it’s really hard when all my friends are married or in serious relationships, so I see them for happy hours, cooking, etc. every now and again but weekends everyone disappears now. And it’s not that I want to be out at bars, I just don’t want to be home alone Friday through Sunday. It gets very frustrating to be the one initiating a lot of the time (people have always seen me as the planner). My friends all assume I have a lot of friends and must have plans with someone.
@Kate: I think he sounds like a tool because she has brought up DTR 3 times, so she is very clearly wanting something more serious and he’s been putting her of on the hopes of finding something better. Sorry, but if you know the person you’re dating wants more than you want to give and would be super hurt to know you’re actively pursuing other folks, you’re probably not a good match. And I have to wonder if in those 3 DTR talks he was very explicit in saying “I’m not seeing anyone else but we’re not exclusive, I’m still open to meeting other people.” If he just said “I’m not seeing anyone else” he was saying what she wanted to hear and TECHNICALLY not lying. Anyway, I’m sure he’s not a terrible person but people that lead people on and/or aren’t totally honest when they person brings it up multiple times seem selfish.
And haha actually thinking of all the super beautiful women who’ve been cheated on makes it worse! I makes me feel like no one is immune and it’s going to keep happening to me no matter what. It’s crappy.
hey kmtthat, where you getting botox at? and that’s my random takeawy from that.
you know, I had an AWESOME labor day weekend a few years ago with AP 🙂
Or maybe do a bike trip up to Lake Bluff or to Three Floyds? I’m going up to Door County, otherwise I’m always down for a bike ride
I hear you, but he only met her 3 months ago, and only moved here one month ago, so it’s a bit soon.
Honestly, relationship happiness has so little to do with objective attractiveness. I hope you can let that go.
kmt – you’re a babe, don’t think otherwise.
Honestly, the best thing I ever did for myself was take a total hiatus from dating. Mine ended up being a year and a half, I think. I concentrated on yoga, and friends, and travel, and cultivating the life I wanted.
Taking the complete break helped me regroup. It was no longer about them and being rejected. It was about me, and figuring myself out and what I wanted in a partner to help me make better choices.
Even if you weren’t a babe. Think of all the people you know. My mom for example is happily married 45 years with no infidelity and she’s 5’2, cute but no beauty, never got Botox or fillers or cosmetic enhancement, and is a size 8. She’s exactly my dad’s type, a cute, smart brunette.
Totally with KTFran on the year long hiatus.
Kmen, your post honestly makes me so sad for you. I think you should take a real dating break and stop being so hard on yourself. If you are truly dating men who would cheat on you because you aren’t “pretty enough,” what does that say about the men you are choosing? Good guys don’t do that. You are worthy of a good relationship, but something is wrong with who you are picking. Finding a person to spend your time with, and hopefully, the “rest of your life” with should not be a race, and you shouldn’t need to change who you are and what you look like to find that person. It’s one thing if Botox, tanning, dieting make YOU feel confident and badass, and another if you are doing it just to attract a man who you believe wouldn’t be attracted to you without those things. Do you want to be with someone you’d always have to do these things for? Whose interest was very skin deep?
Be good to yourself. I think that might include taking a real break from dating for awhile, because from where I’m sitting it looks like it’s causing you a lot of esteem issues and maybe even some more serious dysmorphia. I know being lonely is really hard. But I truly value the time I spent alone and single and even really lonely and sad as life changing. It made me value myself and my time and I worked on my issues until I was happy by myself. And then I truly did not put up with any of this bs. I was good enough, I am still good enough as just.
I’m sorry if this isn’t helpful for you, I hope it is. Be well, be good to yourself.
@Ktfran I’ll text you the name of my dermatologist, she’s in the Loop and is fantastic. She told me no for two years before finally agreeing once I laid out my concerns and that I really didn’t want to look different, just not as tired. It’s been taking some getting used to this time…almost like always having Novocain in my forehead. Day by day I notice it less. In pictures it looks great though, completely erased the fine lines on my forehead. If you guys have any specific questions about happy to answer them.
@Kate Logically I totally agree, emotionally it is absolutely about trying to control the only thing I can. Part of it is definitely cultural…being Latina and from California there’s a lot more pressure to keep up appearances as you get older.Dating hiatus –I go on maybe one date a month, so I feel like I’m sort of already on one? I already DO focus on my friends, hobbies, travel, volunteering and work as I was never a person to let any of those go on the backburner when I was in a relationship. I’ve just always been super independent. So not dating doesn’t feel like leaving more room for my other interests (stress wise I can’t do more) it just feels like a whole section is missing since the rest of my life is totally the life I want.
Anyway thanks for letting me vent guys!!
Also sorry if I sound super defensive – not my intent! I really, really appreciate your thoughts and words. I’m being very honest with my therapist about everything so definitely taking it day by day.
