DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I can relate to what you’re saying, don’t get me wrong. I remember being 14 and thinking boys will never be interested in me and I’ll never get married, because that’s only for beautiful people. But I looked around me and realized that that just is NOT TRUE. I hear you about the cultural stuff too, and yeah, I don’t really have that going on but I was raised by a mom who had body image issues, some dysmorphia, did her hair and makeup every day, put blush on me when I was 10 because I looked pale, and cared a lot about clothes. I was definitely not raised to disregard looks. But again, just looking around me, I saw that looks didn’t seem to have a lot to do with happiness. You just have to be somebody’s type, and take care of yourself, and beyond that, there is no correlation to your level of attractiveness and your relationship success. My mom’s sister actually WAS a babe, and she got cheated on in a horrible way. It just doesn’t matter. I’m sure your therapist is working with you on other things that actually do matter. This just isn’t one of them. But yeah, when I feel unhappy and out of control at work, I do find it helps to focus on things I can control, like calorie counting, so I get what you’re doing. There’s nothing wrong with caring about your appearance and trying to look your best. Just please no tanning! I forget how old you are, but I had great skin and didn’t give a shit and wasn’t exactly religious with sunscreen – until my late 30s when the sun damage that was always lurking below the surface started to appear. It sucks. And I never tanned, this is just normal sun exposure.
Going along with the whole looks theme, Kmen, I wonder if you are only dating guys who would be considered conventionally attractive? If so, I’d encourage to consider the guys who fall outside the norms of conventional attractiveness (but whom you can still be attracted to). I’ve found that kind, smart, funny men who are often overlooked by pretty women because they aren’t as good-looking in the conventional sense tend to make the best boyfriends/husbands because they: 1) appreciate whatever attention they get; 2) have worked on other qualities, like trustworthiness, to attract and keep potential partners since they know they can’t rely on the handsomeness other men skate by on.
What if, instead of swiping past the 5s and 6s, you opened yourself to the possibility of hitting it off with them and letting the attraction grow organically? (And I’m using “you” in the general sense and to whomever this speaks to). Some of the happiest-in-love women I know, are 7s, 8s, and 9s who partnered up with men who might be considered 6s in the physical attractiveness sense but are 9s and 10s in personality and all the other stuff that matters a lot more in the big scheme of things. Just something to think about…
@Kate My mom was the opposite—I never saw her diet, she rarely wore makeup, etc. I’m not a 10 but since college I’ve been considered pretty conventionally attractive and I’d be lying if I said being so didn’t helped me in many areas of my life (even work). I guess when you remember how differently people treated you before you were that way (basically invisible), it’s a little scary to go back to it.
Man you are soooo right about the tanning… I promised myself it was the one stupid thing I’d do (I don’t drink very often and even then it’s not much, I don’t smoke, no drugs, no unsafe sex). I actually look like a very normal color for me if I wasn’t stuck in the office all day (like normal Mexican tan haha). I just wanted one summer of tan I swear, and was planning to stop for fall.
My dermatologist would kill me. I’m 31 and I do wear sunscreen everyday, do a vitamin C serum, and started my prescription retinoid again so I have to stop for that anyway. Also considering a light peel in the winter.
Wendy is spot on!
Also – Benefit Hoola or whatever bronzer works with your skin tone. I understand how being conventionally attractive – I am too, but not a model – makes you feel secure and confident in life, but it really doesn’t go any farther than that. And honestly, I think it’s likely that the MORE beautiful you are, the more of a hassle it might be.
Wendy – I definitely struggle with attraction in that if it’s not there pretty strong from the get go, it rarely develops for me. Last few guys I dated I thought were very good looking but a few of my friends disagreed but said they were magnetic personalities (I have a hankering for tall, lanky, vaguely ethnic men with big noses…Adrian Brody is my weird celebrity crush). I’ve dated short guys, super tall guys, guys 10 years older, guys a few yeas younger, a wide variety of ethnicities. And unfortunately, some of the less conventionally attractive men have cheated and treated me more poorly than the 9s I dated. My brother said some guys will get an ego boost dating a pretty girl and think they can suddenly pull better ones. I don’t feel “safer” dating a less attractive guy. So I go by chemistry and attraction regardless of conventional looks. Sometimes I think I just haven’t met the right person, and that’s all.
With apps and things it’s so hard because photos are one of the few things to go off of, so I’m much more picky looks wise than if I met the guy in person as was really attracted to his whole vibe. I’ve put it out there with friends that I’m very open to being set up with people they know, so hoping I meet more people that way!
“. So I go by chemistry and attraction regardless of conventional looks. Sometimes I think I just haven’t met the right person, and that’s all.”
It’s been by experience that people who just “go by chemistry” aren’t really engaging in a lot of self-evaluation/awareness about what they’re attracted to. It’s basically “I must be drawn in my numinous forces outside by understanding and that’s the only way I can operate.” This doesn’t mean that there’s no such thing as chemistry, but it would be good to cultivate self awareness of what is attracting you and whether it’s good for you.
When I was a younger, I used to find myself really drawn to women who were going through personal crises/upset/etc. In retrospect I think that it made me feel powerful/virtuous. It always ended poorly since they were either messes or when they were no longer in crisis we no longer had anything in common. I just thought I was feeling “connection” or “chemistry” and until I sorted through what was sticking me there I couldn’t really fix it.
If you find yourself cycling through people who treat you poorly it’s probably not a coincidence. There’s something about these guys (which you attribute to “chemistry”) that you are seeking out and until you cultivate more self awareness about it, you’ll probably end up with the same crap again.
Adrian Brody is hot but supposedly an enormous douchebag. Tine Fey is rumored to have said that he was the biggest asshole ever to host SNL during her tenure. Just an interesting tidbit.
Listen, I know your type. That guy — the smarmy guy with the big nose — was my type, too. Still is. If I see that guy on the subway, I always do a double-take. And it’s not even about looks, exactly. There’s just something magnetic about the guy who we think deep down is going to treat us like shit. It took me a while to get over that guy and move on to gentlemen.
Anyway, I hope you find what you’re looking for. Or, actually, maybe what you *aren’t* looking for… Best thing I ever did was go on a blind date with a guy a friend set me up with whom I probably would not have picked out for myself. He wasn’t my physical type, but it turns out my friend knew much better than I did what I should have been looking for all along.
Wendy you’re killing me hahahaha. Pretty sure you’ve nailed it and we’d be swooning over the same dude! I will say, the last two guys I dated were really nice, good guys that just didn’t work out so I feel like some progress has been made. I’ve taken your advice of dating against type and it hasn’t worked out yet, but just staying open minded 🙂
@fyodor Yeah chemistry can sometimes be a cop out. I try to balance it with shared values so even if they are super attractive/we get along great it’s a no-go if those don’t vibe (e.g. genuinely kind, affectionate, family oriented, ambitious/driven in whatever career they’ve chosen, non-religious, adventurous, communicative, willing to never make me move to the suburbs haha).I’ve talked to my therapist a lot about how I spent my childhood as the mediator of my family and the person who likes to help people, so I tend to be drawn to people who need help and not cutting loose when I realize it’s not a good fit because I over empathize (I’d much rather be hurt and just deal with it than hurt someone else). I have been working on having stronger boundaries and feeling confident that I can accept and feel comfortable with someone taking care of me right back. It’s a work in progress.
My dad looks kind of like Adrien Brody but with better cheekbones. Also, he is not a douche.
Kmtthat, I think you need a full break from dating. No apps, no dates, nothing. The toll it seems to be taking on your self-esteem is not healthy. Getting botox, tanning, wanting to lose weight are not bad things in theory, but they shouldn’t be response to feeling lonely/rejected/whatever. If getting botox boosts your confidence, that’s fine. However, it sounds like you keep going from one thing to the next to figure out what makes you into girlfriend material. But these things aren’t going to make a huge difference to people that aren’t you. Most guys are going to either find you attractive or not, and the addition or minus of a couple of wrinkles, light tan, a few pounds, is not going to change that. You sound like an amazing person, and one day you’ll find someone equally amazing. But sometimes you have to take some time to fully appreciate yourself before you can get into a serious relationship.
Why not even just cut out the apps and online dating and just stop looking? If you meet someone organically and are interested, go on a little drink date, but stop the hunt.
I know I’m just a spectator, but it seems like you had a giant breakup and got right back out there without time to reflect, heal and figure out what is going on. I did the whole cliche’d thing of dating insanely charming and attractive men who always kept me on my toes. I was endlessly trying to be the most attractive and that guy is always going to cheat. Cheaters cheat. It’s not who is the prettiest or less pretty or five pounds lighter, or a shade darker or has perfect hair, they cheat because they want to, they can and they need the validation and attention and sometimes the drama and excitement of it.
I’ve always been a big proponent of attraction and desire, but if you find yourself only really attracted and into total assholes, you aren’t going to get over that by continually doing that. I was single for probably a year or slightly less before I started dating again. (I did have one night+ stands with men I was sexually attracted to.)
I dated stunners. And though my husband is insanely attractive to me, looks-wise, he’s not the best looking guy I dated. I do admit I had an almost physical reaction when I met him, though.The people that have suggested to stop looking -I think- are spot on. You had a big breakup and you were out there pretty soon. Maybe you didn’t have time to grieve the loss of your relationship, process the whole thing and what it did to your self esteem. It’s OK to want to look good and nice, bute for you. It may be good to take a little break.
Agreed with the stop looking, or at least looking through dating sites. Maybe take up a new hobby, join a Meetup group, etc. and meet new people organically. But the dating sites get old after awhile and it’s easy to burn out. And meeting people organically usually means you’ll be more open, because their personality shines through right away. It’s hard to not judge only by photos, when you’re online dating. I did the same thing. My boyfriend (who I met through a hiking Meetup group) wasn’t the type of guy I tended to be attracted to looks-wise, but once I got to know him then I found his looks attractive as well!
