DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@Anonymousse and @Ale I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect, heal, and figure out what’s going on with my therapist and we’ve boiled it down to not enforcing good enough boundaries in romantic relationships and genuinely just bad luck. I’m working on my perfectionism. It’s an easy trap to just think “if I was prettier it won’t happen” than to really swallow “there’s nothing you can do to keep it from happening.”
Because I have a history of being cheated on, the insecurity is just…there on some level, always. Not dating doesn’t make that go away, it just makes me more nervous to put myself out there. It also feels like I’m letting fear control me and not let me move on with my life. That being said, I’m really not on the hunt (Tinder profile hidden and not talking to anyone). I just don’t want to hide away and be passive either?
@K If more straight men were into book clubs, theater and SoulCycle I’d probably meet some guys haha. I wish we had more decent hiking in the Midwest because that’s one Meet Up group I’d totally do, especially after knockng out the Inca Trail and feeling all pumped 🙂
Always awesome to get everyone’s perspective. Is anyone having better luck out there?
I understand, insecurity is a bitch. Sometimes I wonder why my boyfriend of two years is with me, when he could be with someone much more attractive or feminine than me. It’s not that I am bad looking, but I have struggled with weight and skin issues. At my almost 31 years old, I still get some awful pimples. So, when he tells me that my face is “glowing”, or that I look beatiful I wonder why is he lying haha.
Another example, during my weight loss my boobs went MIA. I hate them now, they used to be perky and now, they’re not. He compliments me on them every single day and I just can’t believe him. It’s like I’m thinking that there is no way that I am that beautiful as he says.
I remember in college when one of my “friends” said that nobody would ever want to be with me because I had an “ugly body”. That is still with me. And I also remember one time I came home crying because I felt ugly. I cried for two nights in a row. And the next week I joined a gym.
So, I feel what everybody is talking about.
And kmen, I guess that what people are saying is not to stop dating, but maybe get rid of the apps and meet people the old fashion ways. That does not necessarily means to be passive, because by joining new groups or activities you keep being looking for someone, but in a different way. I think apps maybe cause some exhaustion due to the fact that you meet the person after you had some original idea or first impression, and that can cause some dissapointments when that idea isn’t what the person is. So, sometimes a break could be cool.
Oh no, kmt! 🙁 I just got caught up on all of this and since I’ve met you, I can say you’re a like a total babe! And not just because of your appearance — you’re also kind, funny, outgoing, and make amazing faces if I do recall correctly!
I’m sure this is true for more than just cheat-y situations, but I think with cheating in particular it can be really, REALLY hard to get emotions caught up with logic and wind up in that unfortunate “I wasn’t/am not X enough” mindset. Or, at least, I’ve struggled with this in the past and still sometimes today. But like everyone else has said, looks have nothing to do with cheating or relationship happiness. That said, I do think it’s fine to want to look good and honestly think it’s fine if you want to look good for others as well as yourself. Just as long as it’s not SOLELY for others or in the hopes of being more date-able.
I hope when you’re feeling bad about someone (anyone) not wanting to date you for no real reason at all that you can at least remember a few perfectly love guys you didn’t want to be with through no fault of their own. Most guys I have rejected have been kind, good men with absolutely nothing wrong — I just didn’t feel they were the right match for me. I try to keep this in mind when I get rejected.
A dating hiatus may be good for you, but I do think everyone is different in that regard. I usually take pretty significant breaks between relationships (like 6 months+), but a lot of that has been having literally zero desire to meet new people or put myself out there afterward. Eventually, I’ll feel ready again and I think I’ve gotten better at knowing when I feel good about getting out in the dating world again and when I can handle apps. My last serious relationship ended 2 years ago in a sad (for me), super-cheat-y super-lie-y clusterfuck and I started dating again way, way too soon because I didn’t want the experience to impact me more than it needed to. He was fine and I wanted to be, too. Buuuut in my effort to move on just as quickly I completely overlooked that I WAS affected more deeply than I wanted to be, not ready to be dating, and doing myself a disservice. And eventually wound up taking a dating break way after-the-fact and it was what I needed. Maybe you’d benefit from that, too, even if my experience doesn’t resonate with yours.
And yeah, add me to the list of people who thinks it’s harder to overlook looks when online dating. I’ve been trying to be more mindful of that myself but I feel ya, it’s hard!
Kmen, I hope you don’t feel ganged up on or that we are picking on you.
It is difficult to vicariously witness people (not just you) repeat patterns over and over and get so personal about these rejections, when it doesn’t seem that they are very personal. Especially when some of us have gone through similiar things and seemingly gotten out of these patterns. You also seem to be reflecting inwards on it and I don’t think it’s you, as a well rounded interesting person, or a beautiful woman, that’s being rejected. Cheaters gonna cheat. It’s not appearance or charm or anything you are lacking. The truth is that they seek validation from having attention and sex with as many women as they can. I hope, for you, that you are doing all you can, whatever it is, to make yourself happy, not to make a potential partner interested in you. Because no one is ever going to be as invested in your happiness and wellbeing than you are. I truly wish you peace and real contentment.
I asked a guy out! …on Tinder. Baby steps. We’re planning drinks on Friday night after work. I’m a little nervous because we did what you are not supposed to and chat for almost two weeks, like paragraphs (which is certainly weird on Tinder) so I hope we will still have things to talk about. I really didn’t want talk so much but I was waiting for him to ask me but I bit the bullet.
Also, he’s clear he wants to move to Toronto where he works like early next year (we matched in the suburbs) and I plan on staying where I am right now, where I work. Also he mentioned (on the topic of Facebook and weddings) he’s not ready for marriage now as he wants to get settled financially, travel and a spend a lot of time with someone right, which objectively all makes sense, but like woah, too soon (when you’re chatting)?
I think these are just yellow lights, not red flags.
Anyway I hope this works out. I literally haven’t been on a date (or like even a meet up from online) since the end of last September.
Hiiii everyone. I’ve been so busy with work lately, I haven’t really been around much. (Divorced/divorcing parents love to fight over back-to-school issues.) I also didn’t really have anything interesting to report dating-wise. Turns out being super busy with work and just generally not giving a shit about dating has actually been really good for my dating life for whatever reason. I’ve started dating two men recently, both of whom I really like. This might become a problem later on, but I’m trying to just enjoy it right now.
I’ve been on a couple nice dates with an English gentleman! So far the only thing that I dislike about him is that he travels a ton for work (he’s a consultant). I’m out of two this weekend and three weekends from now. He’s out of town two and four weekends from now. We’re planning on going out again but looks like it won’t be for another 4-5 weeks.
I went on a first date with a different guy over the weekend and he was nice but shy and asked literally zero questions about me over the course of 2.5 hours. I’m so glad we planned a date that involved Doing Things (walking around the zoo) so there were things to chat about.
So that’s what’s new in my dating life!
Hi guys! I’ve been lurking for awhile now, but I thought I’d update as well. Early-mid August I went through a busy dating period- for instance I had 4 dates in 3 days over a Saturday-Monday – and, well, it’s mostly dropped off since then. Which is good since I can’t keep up with that kind of schedule. I’ve gone on 5 dates with one guy (“T”), but in the last week and a half, contact has been sparse so I’m thinking things will fade with him as well. T is just starting grad school for an MBA program, and he relocated to my area for it. Our dates were great (chemistry! sex! lots of convo!) but school started about 2 weeks ago, and he has barely kept in touch. I last saw him a week ago, and he never even replied to my “goodnight/made it home safe/had a great time” text. So I don’t know what’s going to happen but I am not very optimistic about it.
I’ve gone on two dates with a second guy (“D”), which were both very fun, but they also felt a bit like friend-dates. I’m not sure what he’s looking for exactly. I met him off Tinder but his profile says he’s looking for people to do things with, yet he also paid for the dates we’ve had so far. Either way, I think we could at least be friends or activity-buddies, and we’re going to go to a nighttime museum event next week. Our text convos mostly consist of discussing Stranger Things.
Other than that… I’m still putting myself out there and have been spending time reconnecting with friends and doing fun activities with my book club, like Trivia Night. 🙂 🙂
I’m trying to keep from feeling too discouraged- it just feels like there has been a rotating cast of men who come into my life very briefly and then leave.
@Moneypenny “I’m trying to keep from feeling too discouraged- it just feels like there has been a rotating cast of men who come into my life very briefly and then leave.”
I feel you girl. Shit, I feel you.
@MissDre- High fives! 😛
But seriously, yeah. I’m pulling back a bit, just to focus my attention elsewhere on more fun and fulfilling things.
@hfantods Glad you put yourself out there and asked him! I always get worried too if the conversations are long winded, but I find it’s a 50/50 that it will seep into the date and end up making it great. If things so far have been good only think positive for the date! I hope it goes well 🙂 I don’t think it’s totally weird that he mentioned what he is looking for/what his goals are at the moment. As long as it wasn’t totally random and wasn’t thinking you were trying to suggest anything. I usually get that conversation out within the first 3 dates anyways or if one of us asks what the other is looking for. If he keeps bringing it up then maybe be wary.
Haven’t been dating, but making rounds on Tinder. Had a couple fun meetups but haven’t hit the second round yet with any of the guys. Oh well! Fun to chat them up regardless.
