Do you feel stigmatized and judged because you’re divorced? I didn’t.

Well I’ve only just turned 30. Where I live, most people my age (especially men) have never been married. So I’ve never met anyone before who has been divorced. It’s hard enough finding a 30 year old man who has a career and doesn’t live with his parents.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being divorced. Both my parents are twice divorced. I have a friend currently getting divorced.

But marriage is a really big deal to me, and at my age, I imagine finding my life partner, falling in love, getting married, and that marriage being a once in a lifetime thing for both of us. The idea of being somebody’s second wife is uncomfortable for me. I imagine my wedding day, exchanging vows with my life partner in front of witnesses, I just don’t like the idea that I’m the second person he has exchanged vows with.

I also wouldn’t date anyone with kids. And at 30 years old, I don’t think my preferences are unrealistic.

I’m sure as I get older, it will be more and more common for me to meet divorced men. So if I stay single and continue to date, I may have to adjustment my attitude and be more open minded.

But for now, yeah. Finding out that a guy I might like used to have a wife, that’s a shocker.

@Kate I think I was sort of curious about whether he’d tell me or not?? but you’re totally right I’ve kind of lost interest. I haven’t heard from him anyway.

It’s definitely interesting as a married and child-having person to read this. Why wouldn’t you consider a divorcee or man with a child, assuming you don’t hate marriage or children? To be the “first?”

Asking as a friend, not as a criticism.

I just think marriage is a really huge, significant, “forever” deal to some people. To me it’s none of those things; I know it doesn’t fix anything that was already messed up, or keep you together as a team forever, ???,and since I don’t want kids, I don’t really care about whatever “protections” of marriage. But I respect that a lot of people see it as a very significant life event and would want to know if you already did it, or at least are you tied to a crazy spouse forever. A lot of people, like Dre, are sure that they will get married once and once only, and it will be forever. They love that vision. My ex boyfriend felt that way, and he did end up marrying a woman who was significantly younger and had never been hitched. It’s just how people feel. Maybe there were guys who avoided me because I checked the “divorced” box, but that’s ok. If I’d checked the “single” box, I’d be going out with some guys who see and care about the distinction, and then it might get awkward. I don’t really see Stone’s point about self-selecting the other way.

I’d prefer not to be with a man who has children with someone else. I know it’s selfish but if you have children, they have to be your first priority and I wouldn’t want my relationship to have to take second stage.