DW Community Catch-up Thread
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And do not let yourself go down that rabbit hole. I saw the saddest story on CNN today about an 18-year-old girl who killed herself because some people were bullying her about her weight. Like very cruel cyber bullying. And she was a beautiful girl with a loving family and apparently well-liked at her school. Do not get sucked into this whole trap of needing to look a certain way. You don’t. Your biggest problem is you pick crap men. You do. I’m petite, and no asshole ever said I couldn’t be sexy because I’m short. One ex said something about the way I looked after I washed my makeup off and I should have dumped him right then and never looked back. Don’t try to be someone you’re not. We had this whole long thread about how being conventionally attractive doesn’t even mean anything. Try to let it go.
I know everyone uses this thread for different purposes, but not all of us are trying to be in a serious relationship. So yeah, if I want to sleep with a guy 15 years older than me I think it’s perfectly fine to enjoy that he looks like he’s still in his mid-thirties. I’m sure a huge part of his attraction to me is my looks. For the people that are looking for serious relationships, I think it’s perfectly fine for them to complain that guys way out of their age range are approaching them online. I think all of us are well aware that looks will fade but wanting to feel physically attracted to someone at the start of dating isn’t asking to much.
Don’t sweat it, LadyE. I don’t think you, or anyone else for that matter, meant to say anything offensive at all. I only know you online, but from what I can tell, you’re a kind, loving person.
But… yeah, some of these comments (yours included) did come across as a little judgmental. And i think if the tables were turned and we were hearing about a group of men discussing women in terms of how they age and the toll aging takes on their looks, we’d be pretty bummed out. I wanted to point that out, not so much to point fingers or embarrass anyone, but to give some food for thought.
Also, it’s not really true — that women age better than men. I look among my peers — you know, we’re middle-aged… — and the men usually have aged better than the women, especially when kids are in the picture.
It’s interesting because I spent the day with a consultant for my work [partly while reading this thread on my lunch break] who is in his 50s and he is really, really handsome. His hair is totally gray but he’s obviously taken really good care of himself and his intelligence and charisma really shine through. He holds the attention of everyone in the room for hours because he’s so smart. That said, I wouldn’t be interested in him romantically (and not just because he’s one of my professional mentors) but if I were 10-20 years older, hell yes, I would totally be into him.
I mentioned upthread awhile ago that I had a really incredible experience with a man who’s not my physical “type” at all. He’s in his mid-30s so not because of age, but because of him being a bigger guy and having a mountain man beard and hair. It was amazing though, and we really connected. I’m going to see him over the holiday and I can’t wait. I wish we lived closer to each other because we would date for real, I’m sure. I definitely know looks fade and/or grow on you because of who the person is intrinsically.
Reading the series of comments about how everyone looks 5-10 years younger, and some of the guys you’re dating look young, it just really sounds silly from a decade in your future, which might be me. Of course we should all wash our faces at night and use skin care and SPF, that’s all a good idea for health and feeling good about yourself. But the idea that looking younger = better is insidious. It’s our f’d up culture that’s telling us that, and the problem is, you WILL see signs of aging in the next few years, and the more you value your young appearance, the more it’s going to upset you.
I’m sure you’d agree it’s really sad to see a good-looking woman in her 40s or 50s desperately hanging onto youth and doing all kinds of unnatural looking things to her face and body, being unhappy in their relationships, acting out in destructive ways… I bet you dont see it yet in your social circles, but I can think of several examples off the top of my head. A few of them have good-looking, successful husbands too. Some of it is botox addiction, too long and too much, so their faces don’t look right anymore, some of it is full-on “work.” None of these look like happy couples to me. But I just took a beach vacation and saw all these middle-aged couples (it was a no-kids resort) walking around, holding hands, looking relaxed and happy, with sagging skin, a little extra weight, eye bags, whatever. There was one beautiful tattooed couple who were younger, and every day, all day, they went to the water’s edge every 10 minutes and stood there posing and taking pics.
It’s hard to see in your 20s and 30s, but youth and looks really don’t matter much. I just… want you to know that from 8-10 years out so you don’t obsess about it. I know I’m not expressing myself well, and it’s totally good to look for a partner who takes care of himself. This looking younger thing really is silly though.
Kate’s right. Looking younger doesn’t equal better. Also, this whole, “I look younger than I am” thing is a little tired. I’ve been told my entire adult life that I look younger than I am — I had a baby face until my early 30s, and as I said, it’s only in the last few years that people don’t act really surprised when I tell them my age. Occasionally, I still get the ‘You don’t look 40’ comments. Actually, I do. This is what 40 looks like now. At least, if you’ve lived a life that’s been moderately comfortable and you take minimum care of yourself.
And, really, does 30 look that different from 26? No. And 35 doesn’t look that different than 30. And at 40, no one is going to call me a liar if I say I’m 35. When someone tells you you look a few years younger than you are, they’re just trying to flatter you, because really, there’s no discernible difference between 27 and 32. Now, if you’re 40 and people are regularly telling you you look 27, that might mean something. But, being told you look 3-5 years younger than you are? Eh. Just flattery. Because we’re told over and over and over than looking younger is the best, and so, when you’re meeting someone new and you want to ingratiate yourself, you say that person looks younger. And so many of us eat that up.
I’ll just speak for myself when I say that for me it’s just being happy that someone complimented me. I know people are full of shit when they say I look younger but it’s just a nice thing people say. I often say exactly what you’re saying – I don’t have a husband and kids to wear me out or age me faster or however you want to phrase it, so maybe that’s why I appear to look younger than my age. Or maybe I look exactly my age I certainly wasn’t implying that I think I look better or hotter or whatever than anyone else because I’m often told I look younger than I am. It’s jut something that’s a nice compliment and it’s a good feeling to be complimented – whether it’s on looks or personality. It doesn’t mean we, or at least speaking for my self, are obsessed with looking younger than we are.
Side note from the aging discussion – things might be getting real with my coworker. Today I was working from home and he had 45 minutes to kill before a job in my area, so he came over just to chill and cuddle for that time. We pretty much message all day every day. That NRE (new relationship energy) all over the place 🙂
I think in general people look younger than their age because people have the resources to take care of themselves or live a lifestyle that’s less taxing. My grandfather died at 52, and he definitely showed his age. But years of hard labor in the sun and rampant smoking and alcoholism does that to a person. My mom is 56 and hasn’t aged anything like her father, but she has been able to work a job that’s mostly indoors, uses sunscreen, doesn’t smoke, drink, etc. I think many of us think of our grandparents in their 50s and 60s and use that as a barometer for age when really the baby boomers and generations following that live an entirely different lifestyle. I don’t think aging is unattractive, but it is unattractive to not take care of yourself. My brother is only 30, but he doesn’t maintain any basic sense of hygiene. Plus all the drugs and alcohol that seemed to have no effect in his 20s are really catching up to him. Unfortunately a lot of people from my rural hometown are heavy drinkers/smokers/drug addicts, and it’s definitely taking a toll on them. But heavy botox use and plastic surgery is also unattractive. I would be happy if I aged like my parents, who I feel have aged gracefully and naturally.
Agree, Kare, I think I look good in the sense of well groomed and cared for, but I can’t stop the aging process, and I don’t think I’d do more than maybe get a mole removed, a peel now and then… hair color. I don’t want to get into Botox or fillers or lips or what have you. I hope I age like my mom, and she never did anything beyond basic department store and drugstore skin care and a good colorist.
