@Veritek – So, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy hasn’t really been effective for me. So when I was seeing my counsellor, he tried doing guided imagery with me. Kind of like a form of meditation. In the beginning he had me imagining a situation where I felt completely loved and safe, with no doubts. Imagining the feelings in my body, etc. I would think about when I was a little girl and my mom would hold me in the rocking chair each morning.

And as time went on, my counsellor had me try to expand that imagery into imagining that feeling of being completely loved and safe with a man. And I struggled with it. He asked me why I thought it was so difficult for me to imagine, and I realized it’s because I’ve never experienced it. So I told him, it’s like asking me to imagine being in Paris when I’ve never been there. I can imagine photos of the Eiffel Tower, I can think about fleeting scenes in movies, but I’ve never been there so I don’t know the sounds or the smells, I can’t see the whole picture, only bits and pieces.

I’m supposed to be practicing “mindfulness” daily, so I got this app for beginners, little 10-minute guided meditations, and I hate it. I just get so restless and frustrated. The stupid voice telling me to focus on my breathing, just think about my lungs filling up with air, focus on releasing the tension in my body, blah blah blah. I hate it because I can’t feel any of the things I’m supposed to be feeling, I can’t relax, my mind wanders. It’s like I can’t even count to 10 without my brain getting distracted and thinking a million other things before I realize “Oh yeah I’m supposed to be counting!”

TLDR: Counselling sucks and I still can’t imagine what it’s like to feel completely loved by a man and safe in a relationship.

@MissDre, It was frequently suggested to me to practice mindfulness, and I freaking hated any kind of meditation. HATED THEM. What ended up working for me was…knitting. When bad thoughts started swirling, I’d start knitting. I’d pick a more complicated pattern where I would have to count stitches or something. It forced me to concentrate on what I was doing and otherwise quieted my mind. That’s my version of mindfulness, and it really does help. I hope that’s encouraging for you. It doesn’t have to be a meditation to be mindfulness, so keep looking until you find something that works for you.

@MissDre – I think I’d HATE guided imagery. Years ago, I tried getting into yoga after my first big break up/when I had just graduated from school and had literally no job prospects in sight and the instructor was big on meditation, always telling us to clear our minds, let go of our worries, imagine ourselves doing things we wanted to do. What I wanted was to stop thinking about my ex, and to imagine better things for myself. And I just… couldn’t, not in that quiet, sweaty room. Being told to clear my mind just seemed to make me focus on my stress and sadness more and it frustrated me. Like @shakeourtree, I had to find something that required concentration to quiet my mind. A couple years ago (after another breakup) I started running, and it helped because it was just me and my goals and my trail, and nothing else mattered for those 30 minutes. Nowadays, I get that same hour of peace of mind at Crossfit of all places — the movements require so much concentration that it’s become the one hour of my day where I literally think of nothing but the task in front of me. Point being, keep looking for other ways to get that peace of mind if meditation isn’t working for you. Physical activities that I think I can’t do work for me — and there’s that added confidence boost that comes with accomplishing goals you never thought were possible.

@veritek – I’m sorry you were laid off! I’ve never been through that before, but I have been prone to thoughts of “omg, I have no skills, nobody is going to want to hire me ever again and I’m going to die at this job” — I have those about once a week right now, even though I’ve gotten a couple interviews. It helps me to remind myself that no employer is interviewing me to be nice, and that there is interest in my skills — so even if THIS opportunity doesn’t work out, someone will be interested in my skillset again. Good luck! I hope you get good news about the jobs you’ve been interviewing for soon.

I find running pretty great meditation! And I also find myself completely incapable of meditating when directed to or in a yoga class. I’m not really into yoga at all; I prefer more intense exercise classes like kickboxing where I have to concentrate on what I’m doing.

Last night Banjo and I went out to a new Korean place, which was pretty good. Then we were on the tram home and he started telling me about his good friend who’s seeing someone. Apparently his friend was the one escalating things and saying he wanted to them to “be something for real” but now that it’s getting relationship-y he’s gotten all scared of commitment. Banjo tells me this story and says, “isn’t that weird?” So I tell him, no, not only is that not weird it’s a thing men do all. the. time. He was pretty surprised. So then later we were lying in bed and he brought it up again and said he hoped I don’t think he’s leading me on in that way because he’s so into me and he would never do that. He’s always so straight-forward. He says exactly what he means and there’s no games – it’s so refreshing!

@veritek33 I’d take it personally, too. It’d be hard not to even if you logically know it’s not performance-based. I don’t think my job is a great long-term fit, but I genuinely like and care about my team, and one who started here a few months after I did was laid off from her previous job. My team is pretty close for a group of co-workers, and she didn’t tell us until recently that she was laid off. Not that she owed us that, obviously, but she felt embarrassed about it because it still felt like it must’ve been at least a LITTLE personal. So yeah, I’m sure everyone who has been there feels the way you do!

In other, non-news news, Dimples wants to go out tomorrow and I have a (super late!) holiday party for one of my client teams. I’ve been looking forward to this party for months, but I’m so sad I won’t get to see Dimples again as soon as I would if I were free.

Aaaaargh another You’re The Worst fan! I thought I was the only one. It’s so funny and smart, I can’t wait to see next season, should start as a doozy.

I got made redundant a few years ago from my very cool and prestigious job, it really stung. But they weren’t lying, the money really had run out and they still had to pay me a really fat redundancy package as well as figure out where else to cut corners. Eventually my whole department went and most of the people I worked with. It led to a few years in the wilderness but I’m back in my field and loving it now, I hope you find that place again Veritek. I must admit the best part was them having the meeting with me and it being rather awkward and unpleasant. The idea was I was to leave straight away afterwards but that day I had taken my car to the mechanic and had to wait for my husband to come and pick me up, which he couldn’t for hours. So there we are, all sitting around staring at each other being hostages. Eventually we kind of shook it off, they took me to lunch and I ordered the most expensive food and wine on the menu while making jokes about being unemployed just to watch them squirm. Good times lol. (I should mention we were all on good terms and I visit whenever I’m in town to say hello)