I just read through the last few pages, and woooooow. I mostly haven’t dealt too much with being ghosted, or maybe just don’t really notice when I am. Most of the time, I’m the one saying “Not feeling it, best of luck”. I did go out with a cute guy who works in the same office building as I do, and we had a nice time and then he sent me a text the next morning saying he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything. I was bummed, but I always appreciate someone being straightforward. (There’s also a remote possibility that I’ll end up working at the same company, I had my second interview a week ago).

I am in decent shape, but would definitely not meet that dude’s height/weight requirements. And when I weighed 125 lbs, I looked really unhealthy.

Also, I never wear makeup, and I really don’t like hiking. I’m an indoor cat, and a lot of the time if I’m going for a walk I want there to be a restaurant or bar at the end of it. So that guy had some wrong ideas, for sure.

The stories I read here do not make me want to dive back into dating again. I think I’m just gonna stick with the one partner for the time being.

Well, this is not going on an awesome date… quite the opposite: I broke up with my boyfriend and moved out of our shared apartment, a gorgeous spot I did all the work to find and decorate. But actually, it’s been less than a week and I mostly just feel relief and … frankly joy. It had become increasingly, but slowly, verbally abusive over the past few months with LOTS of gaslighting thrown in for good measure. I’m not going to detail the nonsense I was put through and ridiculous yet cruel statements I endured b/c at this point it just bores me.

I come here to share this partly because a few weeks ago, it was wisdom I found in the “ask for advice, give advice” page that helped me put my situation into perspective and know I had to get out. I do not remember who, but it was a regular commentor here (maybe Copa or Stone Gypsy?) who said to letter-writer that in the beginning, all relationships can seem lovely but that relationships/people essentially prove themselves during rough times. That some people will be like a “rock” for you by being strong and supportive, therefore increasing your love and respect for them but that other people will turn to substance abuse or other negative coping mechanisms and become like a millstone. (paraphrasing). So thank you for that!!!

When I read that, I ended up confiding in a friend who lives 5 hours away what was happening and that I wanted to leave; she was so concerned about the situation she took off work and drove down a day later to help me move most of my belongings. After I moved out, at first I was sad and cried a bit the first 2 days but then a series of manipulative and abusive texts from my now-blocked ex totally made me get over it almost instantly, like a veil has been lifted off my eyes. I swear, in the days since that colors seem brighter and my libido and joie-de-vivre are back. I hadn’t realized how much of my energy was being drained by caring for him and trying to placate his temper.

Anyways, I hope it’s ok I shared this novella. I will admit to being a bit (or a lot) embarrassed/cringing at finding myself in an abusive relationship despite my outward appearance as an independent feminist but I figure all I can do is appreciate what I learned about myself, be grateful for my wonderful support network and increase my empathy for others.

@em – I think that’s the best update we’ve had to this thread in awhile! Glad you got out of the situation you were in — it can be really hard to do even when you KNOW the person isn’t good for you. And, don’t be too hard on yourself for ending up in a relationship that just wasn’t good for you — I think we’ve all put up with things we know we shouldn’t, but come out the other side wiser for the next time. Sounds like you’re in a good place about this, but take good care of yourself!

Wow @Em, that’s amazing that this website helped you so much when you needed it to. There’s no shame in finding yourself in a place you’d never thought to be, the courage to leave it and start out again is what matters. Good luck to you, what an exciting new chapter!

haha, @savannahanna, I have been using that very metaphor a lot lately. Thanks everyone for your kind words. One of the shocking positives of this whole situation is that talking about this with others/seeking help from friends/family, I have had to face one of my biggest fears which is being vulnerable in front of others. I had to admit to being so vulnerable and it actually paid off so…. I have also learned how sadly common abusive relationships are; nearly every single woman and many of the men I’ve talked to have had a similar situation. 🙁

I listen to the podcast Death, Sex & Money and follow them on Facebook, and today they linked to this article about dating in different cities around the U.S.: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a9078418/i-tried-dating-in-6-different-us-cities-heres-what-i-found-out/

I haven’t had a chance to read the whole thing yet because I’m at work, but I did scroll down to the section about her experiences in Detroit and skimmed since I was living in its surrounding ‘burbs until a couple years ago. What she wrote about dating in that area didn’t resonate with my experiences, but it was hard to tell if she was in the city proper or the surrounding areas.

In any case, I thought some of the regular commenters on this thread might enjoy the read!