DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I hope you figure it out. We’re all struggling, or have struggled. What I like about this author is that her advice is based on what she’s observed with hundreds of clients. And I emailed her once and she wrote back!
Turns out my boyfriend of two and a half years just told me that he is afraid of commitmment. He is not ready to get married or live together. And he doesn’t know when he’ll be ready. Otherwise, the relationship is normal. In the beginning he used to tell me that he wanted to marry me. We have discussed wedding stuff before, houses, things we would like eventually in a house or a place together so this comes out of the blue.
I dont know if I want to get married eventually, so that’s not an issue, but I thought we were coming close to at least moving in together and having a place together, in a year or so. When I ask for timelines he doesn’t know. Things are good the way they are but I don’t know if this is a deal breaker. So, yes I’m struggling because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should keep waiting a couple years until he’s “ready” risking that he will never be (and in a couple years I’ll be 34-35) or if I should just end it now.That’s a tough one. Definitely a good idea to do some reading and contemplating. On the face of it, it isn’t a good sign that he’s backing off of his original stance. A relationship should really move forward, not back. How did this come up?
It came up last week because he is close to getting a new job that would pay him a lot more than what he is earning right now. I’ve always made a lot more money than him and the reason that he earns less has been important in deciding to move forward. He always told me that once he got a different job we would decide. So, now that things are going to change I asked where we were and all of a sudden he isn’t so ready or sure anymore.
Ok, so it was like, you talked about taking the next step, moving in together, and he was saying that could potentially happen when he earned more, and now that that may become a reality, he’s saying, wait, no, I’m actually just not ready? And he can’t point to any specific reasons or doubts or things that he wishes could be resolved? Did you probe on that?
I think at your age, if he’s not enthusiastic about moving forward at two and a half years in, and can’t talk to you about a timeline, or any specific concerns that he has, he’s not likely to get there. I’d try to find out more about what his doubts actually are. If he can’t articulate them, but still says he’s not ready and doesn’t have any idea if/when he will be… I think he’s telling you something important.
That sounds like a difficult situation to be in Ale, sorry to hear it. I hope with further reflection and discussion with your boyfriend you will be able to decide on your path.
I just came back from my date. It’s only been an hour, but I have a feeling he won’t be messaging me back for a second date. I mean I hope this like reverse putting this out in the universe will happen and he will message me, but I don’t know. It sucks because he’s probably the first guy I’ve met from online that I actually know am interested in getting to know better. We had good conversation, no amazing sparks but still lots to talk about, but he gave no sign of wanting a second date. Anyway, maybe it’s an indication for -me- to be more interesting. I just hate that I’m waiting by my phone.
That sucks, Ale. 🙁 I’d agree with Kate. At this point, I feel like should know. I tend to be skeptical of someone who says they don’t (especially if it’s been hanging out on the back burner for a while) and always wonder if they do know but don’t want to say it (or are at least lukewarm enough that they think they don’t know).
@Ale, I’m really sorry that this has come up. I’ve been in your shoes and it really really sucks. My advice is going to be biased because of what I went through with my ex, but my instinct is that you need to MOA.
Of course, do what you need to do to make sure you’ve thought things through and that you’re making the right decision for yourself. But if he’s all of a sudden coming up with excuses why he’s not ready after 2.5 years together, my guess is he’ll never be ready.
I’m sorry 🙁
@Ale – I’m sorry, that really sucks. I’m inclined to agree with Kate. And, if you decide this IS a dealbreaker for you, better to move on sooner rather than later.
@hfantods – If you want to see the guy again, contact him! Don’t wait around for him to contact you. He may not be into it — and if he’s not, it’s fine and not a reflection on you — but you should go for what you want. And, if nothing else, you’ll have your answer rather than waiting around for a text or call.He has reasons. His parents divorced when he was 9 and his mom never remarried and depends economically on him. He says he can’t abandon her. He also says that living together would cause us to fight. He mentioned silly things like that he would like to listen to his music loud and that I have a problem with that (one time I asked him to turn it down a little because I was studying). He claims that he knows that he has a problem with people telling him what to do. And that would happen if we were living together, I would always be telling him what to do. He isn’t showing any willingness to compromise on some issues (for instance the music volume thing could be agreed on) he just wants things the way he wants and is set on No.
I think I have my answers.
I’m sorry, Ale, it sucks to be thrown into this. But I agree with your assessment, that you’ve got your answers.
FWIW, I’ve seen relationships work where one parent (or even more than one parent) is somewhat dependent on the significant other. But the way you’re talking about his uncompromising attitude towards these issues… That doesn’t sound to me like a partner.
