DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@/hfantods I’m glad you’re going out again. Just keep an eye on whether this dude takes any initiative in the future. I don’t mean to imply that he’s not interested, it’s just that I’ve found that a lot of guys are perfectly happy to go out if you ask them. You’re cool enough to hang out with, it’s something to do, maybe they’ll even kiss you or sleep with you if you pursue them. But they have zero intentions of taking any initiative. They aren’t interested in asking you out. They aren’t interested in a relationship. If you don’t do the work, they’ll disappear.
So, just be mindful of that moving forward. Otherwise, hope you have a great time!
Eh, I think it’s fine to text first. You can’t really tell if the effort is all one-sided until a couple dates have come and gone, so why not make it known that you had a nice time?
Oh, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with texting first. Lord knows I’ve done it many times. I’ve just found that there’s a correlation between texting first and getting ghosted 🙁
My experience was, I’d send a text after the date (next morning) saying I had a great time, and thanks. If he didn’t respond with a “want to go out again?” then he wasn’t interested in going out again. I could text him and suggest a second (or third) date, and he’d agree, but he wouldn’t be proactively getting in touch with me to set up dates, which means he’s not interested in proactively setting up dates. Or in other words, not interested enough. I wouldn’t say don’t text a guy and ask him out, but have low expectations. And definitely put the ball in his court after that to see if he follows up.
Not saying this is anyone here, but one of my friends was so terrified of being rejected that after every first date she went on, she would call me in a panic when she didn’t hear back from the guy immediately. I’d remind her it’s okay to text first, and her response was always, “I don’t want to be rejected!” I don’t want that to be anyone on this site, because good grief, it’s just a text saying you had a nice time (if indeed you had a nice time). You should be able to gauge pretty early on by a guy’s actions if his interest is sincere, so I never hesitate with the first post-date text.
Also, my therapist has reminded me before that men have anxiety about dating, too. So even if you’re not comfortable texting to ask about a second (or third) date, I do think a “great meeting you” text is a good way to open the door.
You literally have to send the “thanks, had a great time” text after the first date. It’s mandatory. Just like a thank you note after an interview. Will not sending one keep you from getting the job or a second date? Not if they’re really into you, but regardless, you should. You can add that you’d love to do it again, if you want. If the guy doesn’t bite, he’s not crippled with shyness, he’s not clueless (do you want a clueless guy anyway?), he’s just probably not interested.
I had a guy text me the next morning saying thanks for dinner and nice to meet you. No offer of a second date. So I suggested a second date and he never answered my request, instead talked to me for two more days till he faded out. Men are weird. I went out with a guy on Monday and he texted me after I got home and said he wanted to see me again. So he texted me within the hour. If I am interested in seeing the guy I usually text that evening or the next morning. So the ball is in your court just as much as it is in his. You both made the committment to meet up and both have the reaponsibility to indicate whether you want to see the other again. Don’t let rejection get to your head. It happens often and you just need to let it roll off your back. Otherwise you will never move forward. Don’t take it personally. You can’t expect every person you go out with to like you and vice versa.
The men I go on 2+ dates with usually beat me to the punch when it comes to sending the first text. The last guy I met was last Thursday, and as our date was wrapping up he told me he wants to see me again when he’s back from vacation. I really like when a guy is confident enough to say it in person. On Friday I was going to text him after I got home from work — and my life has been so busy that I was genuinely worried I’d somehow forget (I’m a good example of that rare someone who really, really DID like you, but truly sucks with the follow-up and texting and all that) — and when I finally got home at maybe 9, I got my phone out to send him a message, and was happy to see he’d texted first. It made me feel like I won our first date. (Kidding.)
I think I’ve also gotten better at reading if my date actually is having a good time with me and attracted to me vs. just getting through an okay evening with someone. Which I think has helped me manage my post-date expectations. In the past year, I’ve been surprised by how quickly things have gone from seeming good to falling to pieces — but I’ve never once been surprised by who I went out on more than one date with.
It’s great if they text you right away, but you’ve still got to send that text, that night or by, say 10 the next morning. Especially if he picked up the tab, to say thank you. I say just send it right away, before you forget or your head goes into that place where you want to wait to see if he texts first, and then some time passes and he hasn’t, and you’re like, shit, I should have texted him, “thanks, had a great time,” but now it’s kind of awkwardly late to do that, blah blah.
