DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I keep feeling like things are too good to be true with this dude. I’m so used to feeling let down, or disappointed, or worrying that things will fall apart and then they do. I was nervous to book my flight to the UK. I was afraid that “something” would come up and he’d back out or tell me not to come. But I finally went ahead and booked it. I texted him to tell him that I’d forwarded him my flight details and his reply was “Yay!! That’s soon!”
I knew that his friend was getting married in Italy soon. Didn’t really think much about it. But then out of nowhere he asked if I thought I could get the time off work to go. My jaw just about hit the floor, because I’ve never had a guy include me in things like that (not even my ex of 5 years). So I tried to play it cool and said if he wants me to come I’d request the time off. And he said “If you can I would like you to come.”
Yesterday he made comments about me meeting his colleagues. He’s made other “we” statements here and there recently. It’s got me freaked out. Not in a bad way… But even though the way he treats me (so far) is something I’ve been telling myself that I want and deserve, I’m still fighting that insecure voice in my head telling me to stop getting excited in case this all falls apart and I have to go back to swiping like @hfantods mentioned above.
I don’t think it’s “too good to be true” at all for a guy who just moved across the ocean to want a girl he’s been dating to come for a visit, be his wedding date, meet his co-workers. It’s fine, it’s normal. Time will of course tell whether your relationship can be sustained in the confines of both your paid time off and budgets.
I even asked my friends if it was “too much to ask” to have him meet me at the airport when I get there. I didn’t want to interrupt him in the middle of his workday, especially since he’s taking time off for my visit. And my friends were like don’t be stupid, of course he should meet you at the airport. You’re flying across the fucking ocean to see him.
I didn’t have to ask. He told me I should check the rules on cell phones, because he heard that some electronics were banned on flights in the UK. I was like “How will I call you when I get to the airport??” and he said I won’t need to worry about calling because he’ll be waiting for me at the gate.
MissDre. That’s exciting! Don’t let that little voice in your head freak you out. Go with it and enjoy this time. This is what a relationship should look like… someone excited about seeing you and wanting to include you and vice versa. You’ll have a fabulous time.
Love reading everyone’s updates!
As for the doesn’t want to move in together/get married…maybe it’s because I was pretty burned the last time and maybe because I’m 32 and really am a-ok with being single, but I won’t be with someone I have to convince to want the same things as me ever again. It’s too hard, it’s not fair for either person, and someone is always feeling like they are sacrificing in a way they aren’t ok with (wither by waitin longer than you want to or moving faster than you want to?) I think there are many ways to have a successful relationship, but having dated a lot of people who didn’t realize “I’m afraid of marriage, not sure why, ehhh” was shorthand for “I’m just not that into you but you’re awesome and everyone would think I was crazy to leave you so I would rather keep the status quo.” So yeah, I want to date someone for whom marriage etc. is a goal for them too.
As for me, things are fantastic. BF is talking about looking for another job (if he stays with the current he would have to move internationally in a year or so). The plan is to look in our current (major) city but we’re theoretically open to other places in the U.S. (my job will let me move anywhere in the country as I work mostly remote and we have offices everywhere). The end of April, we’re going to Cambridge for his MBA graduation ceremony and a few days in London with his parents, then the two of us are spending some time in Santorini and Athens. I do still feel like it’s too good to be true in some ways. Things just feel…easy. Safe. Fun! So not overthinking it, though my boss looked at me like I had a tail growing when I mentioned I’d be willing to move with a guy I’ve been dating for 4 months.
@kmtthat haha my mom thinks I’m crazy because I’ve already started imagining the possibility of moving to the UK. I told her I was curious so I did a quick job search on LinkedIn in his city and a whole bunch of positions were available (more than my own city). She’s like STOP TALKING ABOUT MOVING!! So, I get it. We have to be smart and not rush things of course, but when you’re in your 30s you do have to be conscious of what the future may hold when you’re dating someone.
So… I just started dating the fiance when this forum post started. And as you all can attest, I started to overthink things at first, but between you all and a couple of friends, I calmed my nerves. Now, it’s not quite two years later we’ve come so far.
Despite my brief moments of insecurity, this relationship was pretty easy and I knew early on that “this was it.” Me and my extremely cautious nature, I didn’t voice that to hardly anyone because I did the whole engagement thing before, but I knew. I pretty much knew after the second date and it was cemented about a month later when he went to Vegas with friends. The texts I received while he was away. They just made me so happy.
Anyway, I think it’s smart to be optimistically cautious. But like I said, a good relationship shouldn’t be hard and you shouldn’t have to work at it early on. So, good luck Dre and Kmen! What you’re both experiencing sounds awesome.
Thanks for the encouragement. I definitely feel that this is something I’ve never experienced before. Little things like the fact that we talk every single day, whether it’s just checking in with a text, or video chatting or talking on the phone. The fact that he’s told his friends about me, that he is looking forward to my visit, that he plans to meet me at the airport, that he’s invited me to a friend’s wedding, that he’s making “we” statements, etc… it’s all so new.
But I’m a little nervous because we’ve been Long Distance the entire time. At first we were in different cities within Canada, then he had to go back to his home country to deal with getting a work visa, and now he’s in the UK. Yes, we’ve met in person, but in the last 5 months we haven’t spent a ton of time together physically. I feel like this trip will be the real test. If we still like each other this much after spending 6 days together, then maybe I’ll relax. I just hate those stories you read here on DW, women who have these intense online relationships and then go visit the guy and everything is sunshine and roses, but when she comes back from her visit he starts to withdraw, and we all tell her that she didn’t really know him, that the relationship was mostly just a fantasy. I don’t want to be like those LWs.
Yes, my BF is currently living with his mom. During our conversation he said that he KNOWS he has to move out, just isn’t ready yet. Wants a lifetime with me, says he loves me (and it shows). He says that he will stick to my timeline if that will make me happy and says he would do anything to make me happy. But I don’t want to impose anything or make him do anything he’ll regret. Also, I don’t know if I still have a timeline. After all of this, I realized that I don’t know if I want to move in yet. Marriage and children are definitely not on my short term plans. And moving in, I don’t know. I love the moments I spend with him, we have a lot of fun but I also love being alone in my house, with my cats. I love my privacy and that I can do anything I want. I don’t know why I brought the moving in thing up, maybe because everybody is doing it?
I have been thinking a lot about a friend of mine who got engaged and started planning her wedding. Realized everything was super expensive so every week she postponed it or reduced it until she was set on eloping and her fiance kept pressuring for a date. She says that one day she got home and wanted to be alone and forgot he was there. When she saw him there she realized she wasn’t ready to get married. She thought that it was what she wanted but it wasn’t. Told the fiance and he decided to end the relationship. She says that she is the happiest person since. She has no BF at the moment and lives fully. I understand there are a lot of factors in this history (maybe he wasn’t suit for her) but she always reminds me that it’s ok to do things on your own time and not take steps just because of status quo or because “you’ve been dating so long” or because everybody else is doing it (at 31, you feel EVERYBODY else is there). I said that I wanted someone to be excited about a future with me and I have it. I also said I wanted a commitmment and I feel he is committed. I don’t know, I guess will keep talking about it and time will tell what the right thing is.
@MissDre: That is exciting. You are finally getting what you deserve. Please don’t let fear take away the excitement. If we were afraid of failing everytime, we would never do anything.Dre, my fingers are crossed that all goes well! Don’t put too much pressure on the trip. Go, have fun, enjoy each other’s company and then see what happens after. Easier said than done, I know, but I think that’s the best approach to take. One day (or trip) at a time.
And believe me, this is the perfect site to get your insecurities out of your head so you can enjoy your time with this guy. We’re here for you.
@Dre – Try not to overthink it and have fun! If he wants you to meet his friends and colleagues, that’s a GOOD thing — and very normal in a relationship! Is this going to be the most time you’ve spent together consecutively? You’re almost guaranteed to have fun because it’s a vacation. I have a friend who is married and miserable. She and her husband have been separated for over a year (married for a little over three). She keeps deciding to “try to make things work” because they have fun together when they vacation together every now and then. And I wanna shake her and be like, “OF COURSE YOU’RE HAVING FUN! IT’S A VACATION! EVERYONE HAS FUN ON THE COAST OF FRANCE” It’ll obviously be good to spend the time together, but I guess I’m opposed to the idea that six days will truly test anything. Before you seriously consider moving, you’d hopefully have a whole lot more than a few stray vacations on which to base your compatibility. I’m sure there are people on here who can chime in with advice on how to make sure you’re compatible when you’re dating long distance and don’t want to be an LW :), but I have no advice on that! For now, though, I think you should just relax and have fun without thinking about where the relationship MIGHT head. Meet his friends and colleagues, wear a great outfit to the wedding, eat some great food, and enjoy the vacation!
