DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I’m not saying it’s wrong to say it so early. I’m saying it was surprising for me. If you don’t want kids, then maybe put it in your profile. I matched with him because it didn’t say anything. I won’t waste anyone’s time because I don’t know.
@Copa his kids as I call them are kid-adults. They’re 23, 20 (almost 21), 19 and 17. So they’re basically adults. I really enjoy it. They are smart and so different than what I was like at that age. I’m 31 myself so sometimes with the 23 and 20 year old I have a hard time seeing them as kids, rather than peers. But they do things that are like….omg kids.
I have told my boyfriend many times if his kids were younger, even by a few years, this wouldn’t have worked. He feels the same way. His kids are raised, I don’t have to change diapers, I don’t have to go to middle school plays. I am looking forward to being a grandma without having to have kids myself. It has oddly worked out really well. And while I love his kids, and I love him, and I already know he’s a great dad – *we* still don’t want any of our own.
He tells me he was looking for a Unicorn of a woman and got laughed at a lot. He wanted a woman who didn’t want kids of her own, but was OK with this FOUR kids, a divorce and a few other baggage items. None of which to me were deal breakers. So, he calls me his unicorn often. Haha! He even told that to my parents.
Cool! I was curious because, as I’ve mentioned on this thread and basically all over this site, I’m not super into kids. I’m also 31, and while I do know there are plenty of single men in my age range who have never married and have no kids, I sometimes see guys who seem great on apps. Buuuut they have kids. So I’ll swipe left. Divorce isn’t a deal breaker. I’m not even sure kids from a prior relationship are since I’ve never really gone down that road, but I still swipe left anyway because I’m not sure I want to be a mother to any potential biological children let alone a stepmother figure to a boyfriend’s kids. Like I just wish every single man had a dog. Haha.
@Copa when I was online dating I wouldn’t even bother with guys with young kids. I knew I didn’t want to be a mom so young kids were a no-go for me. It helped that he had kids VERY young. Because most guys with kids his age are in their 50s. SO I felt like I was in with either (1) guy wanted kids (2) guy already had kids (3) guy was a douche or (4) guys who had older kids were way too old for me.
I usually go by what they put on their profile. Some are younger and therefore unsure, so they say ‘maybe,’ but even for me that kind of makes me worry they may change their mind. Most of the guys who don’t want kids are older, mid to late 30’s, then into their 40’s. I find it easier to just look for the guys who say no in their profile, that way I know for sure they don’t want them. But I suppose taking a chance on those who are on the fence is risk I could take. I also assume most guys want kids out here, the rural lifestyle kind of promotes kids and families. So maybe it is an unfair assumption, but I imagine there are very few men who don’t want them, so needle in a haystack.
I could ask my friends if they know any bachelors who don’t want kids, but I try to avoid the friend circle as I like to keep my circles separate. But if I do have too many misses online, friends are a likely option.
@Cleopatra_30 I was set up by friends about 3 times in my life. Two were far enough removed from the circle that it was no big deal. The other was the guys BFF, who is my current boyfriend. I had the very awkward conversation before him with a guy friend to say “hey if you think of anyone, let me know!”
Worth a shot.
I’ve been set up from time to time, but more often than not when I put myself out there and actually ask friends or even acquaintances that I’m looking, I’m told they only know single women. Which gives me anxiety.
Men who want kids probably live in the suburbs in higher numbers, because they have bought or are saving for a house and the life they want to have. City dudes are hooking up on tinder and are still in the mindset of a younger man. Immediate fulfillment of what they want, basically, attention and/or sex at their fingertips.
I have never felt a strong desire to have kids and I was pretty adamant about not dating men with children for a long time. Then I got older, and found it pretty difficult to find a guy who did not have kids or hadn’t been married. I have nothing against kids per se, I just wasn’t interested nor did I want any mama-drama. Eventually I put on my profile that I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids, and looked for similar dudes who weren’t sure, but it wasn’t a deal breaker if they had a kid. Met my bf on Match and his pic was of him and his son. His son is now 8, (known him now for 5 years) and I love my little buddy a lot and we have a really good bond. At this point, I am 42 and likely not able to have kids and I am really OK with it b/c I have the best of both worlds with my bf and his son and he has a super strong family support system where everyone is involved with raising his son. Takes a lot of pressure off me. While I know my bf would be fine if we had a child together, he knows the logistics aren’t good but he has his son and is completely happy. But there was mama-drama – but she lives in Germany (long story short, he has full legal custody) so we’re a bit lucky that way. I couldn’t deal with her if she lived close by though. Eff that.
@TheLadyE, we live in the same city, don’t we? I’m 30 and don’t want kids. I have a strong contingent of friends who also do not want kids, and I haven’t had any trouble finding men to date who aren’t interested in having children. It’s probably a function of our personalities and friend groups and faiths (or lack thereof in my case) that we could have such different experiences dating in the same city.
@shakeourtree That’s right, we do! Y’know, it might be because I have been targeting mostly men who identify at Christian that I’ve had that experience. Ironically, my current boyfriend is agnostic. 🙂 Even so, most of the guys I know at my office (so a huge variety) either have or want kids eventually, as well. I was mostly saying…guys don’t listen to my answer as saying “it depends” – they hear “no”. Which it isn’t…it’s a “maybe, it depends.”
