DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I think the majority of guys want kids. Or at least abstractly see themselves having a family. Dating in my mid-30s, that seemed to be the case. On the other hand, I wouldn’t say it’s been hard to find guys who don’t, or are meh.
FWIW, I’m kind of annoyed by that “want to make sure we’ll be together forever” mentality some guys have when it comes to marriage or kids. Like, no shit. But also, I think it’s really really naive. Sorry, Charlie, but you *cannot* know fore sure you’re going to be with someone forever. You can feel like you are, and you can hope, but life is long and people and circumstances change, and shit happens. You can’t predict mental illness or midlife crisis or any number of events that could break up your marriage. That needing to be certain thing can also be a crutch for indecisive guys to lean on.
I feel like it somehow plays into these stupid stereotypes that men believe… being married means you lose your freedom, and then you’ll get divorced and she’ll take half your money. That fear is like, burned into them.
I’m in the suburbs so maybe that’s why. I sometimes wonder if so many men want kids because they don’t have to worry about physically carrying and birthing the child. That’s a big part of what’s scary about having a kid for me.
@Copa I live in the burbs but dated in the burbs, in the large metro I live in and the next large city over. I believe about 90% wanted kids, 10% were unsure. I didn’t sense a coloration between burbs and baby games.
I’ve noticed a correlation between men who want kids and men who live in the burbs, or at least wanting them way sooner. There are obviously still men in the city who want kids, since that’s where I am living and dating now, but I do notice a difference.
I can kind of see where the “want to make sure we’ll be together forever” statement comes from… although like Kate said, it’s a weird statement as there are no guarantees in life.
For instance, I decided quite a few years ago that I was ambivalent about having children. Like, if I met someone I was really jazzed about and we decided to give marriage a go and he wanted children, I would have done it. I think I’d make a great mom and I like kids, but the older I became, the less I wanted them, hence the ambivalence. It so happens I met someone who was also ambivalent. So… we’re not doing the children thing since neither felt strongly about it.
So, I think that statement these guys say is a lazy way to say that right now, they’re unsure, but if circumstances were right, they’d like to have children.
My answer about kids is that I am not desperate for them and won’t have them on my own if I never find a partner who wants them…it’s a decision I want to make with my partner/spouse when the time is right. I told that to my current boyfriend on our first date and he agreed and says he feels the same way. We both have some chronic health issues that may impact our ability to raise children well (generally less energy than the average person – both of us) and it’s actually something that really unites us as a couple and has provided a level of compatibility I’ve never found before. However, he’s pretty much the first guy who thought my answer of “it’s a decision I want to make with a partner” was a good one. Most other guys are like “YOU DON’T WANT KIDS?!” and I’m like “No, that’s not what I said…grr. Words have meaning! Listen!”
For what it’s worth, I’m in the south (in the US) so having kids really is the Thing Everyone Does. For me, knowing that my energy level is less than most people’s means I’m not opposed to having kids but I physically won’t be able to take on 80% of the work of child-rearing like many women do (even just the physicality of carrying a child will be more difficult) so I need to make sure any partner who wants kids with me really GETS that and is willing to step up.
@MissDre I don’t think they’re absolutely sure they want kids. But they want to have the possibility. If someone is on the fence about kids and you come and tell them you downright don’t want them, it brings up a lot of questions.
I know this because I matched with a 39 year old on Tinder about two months ago. He seemed cool, we talked for a bit and then he bluntly asks (still on Tinder) “do you want to have kids?” I was surprised that question could come up so early. So I answered I don’t know… why?
And he said he had a vasectomy and he wanted to make it clear since the beginning. I was shocked at having to decide right there and then if I wanted kids. I DON’T need kids in my life but I don’t know if I’ll ever want them, so I want to have the possibility. And to just have to decide that right there shocked me. We didn’t continue talking after that.
So, I guess it comes down to three kinds of people: people who strongly want kids, people who are on the fence and people who strongly don’t want them.@Ale I would bring it up very early on because I know my mind wouldn’t change. My boyfriend had a vasectomy and would make it clear to women he dated that he didn’t want any additional kids to the ones he had. Many times they would agree only to “change their mind” later on. If one person feels strongly about not having kids and have taken active measures to not have them, it’s best to get it out of the way very early on. No need to date for several months (or even several dates) if you KNOW something to be true. I have wanted my tubes tied since I was about 20 but never wanted to go through the surgery or the frustration of doctors telling me I was wrong.
I can’t tell you how many times I get told “you’ll meet the right guy and you’ll want to have kids.” I’ve met the right guy, and I still don’t want kids. My parents, who know he can’t have any, have told us it’s ok if we have an ‘accident.’ No. Even if he wasn’t snipped and I wasn’t on my IUD we still wouldn’t plan them. It’s OK to be unsure very early on if you want kids, and then go into more detail to determine if one does or doesn’t….but you HAVE to weed out people early on.
I met the right guy, and we had no known barriers to having kids, could have started trying at 38, but… didn’t want to. 4 years later, 100% do not. It’s not even like, I kinda want them but there are all these reasons not to (which there are). Just 10000000000% do not want.
My mom has finally stopped saying I’ll change my mind… thank god. A few friends and family members, not so much.
