DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@kmtthat, definitely. That all makes sense. My bf and I don’t officially live together (my mom is super against it, and I’m very close with her) but we essentially live at at his apartment. We used to spend time some at mine, but his is more convenient. If we were engaged, I’d want to move in together officially. So even though I have a ton of clothes, pots/pans, etc. at his place, we still pay separate rents, internet, and all that. If he isn’t sure about marriage yet, I’m not ready to commit to fully living together, so I feel the same way as you do.
I also know what you mean about a guy who is super enthused to marry you. I think I tend to date guys who are just not like that, and who are more deliberate and painstaking in their decisions. His mom recently said to me “He’s a slow mover”.
I know we need to talk about it in person. I’m just saying it doesn’t need to be now. It’s perfectly ok if we wait til after Christmas.
I get that, MissDre. What I mean is, if you’d written him something like, “that’s exciting! A lot to think about… let’s plan on talking about it when I’m there,” then you could still have a conversation in person on this trip, gauge his reaction, get into some logistics. As it stands now, you don’t feel like you can unless he brings it up. I think you threw a lot at him with the talk about sacrifice, marriage, kids, and a timeline, and it was risky because you weren’t face to face and able to get his reaction and thoughts in the moment. Your hands are now tied. I’m not talking about game-playing, just communicating. He may or may not have felt like that was a really heavy missive, and be unsure how to proceed.
Also, and I’m seriously not trying to be a bitch here, just seeing his possible POV:
“As much as I love to plan out details, nothing would happen for another year anyway so no point stressing over it right now.”
Well… not really, because you said you’d like to discuss marriage timeline at Christmas, get engaged soon after, and get married in the summer. So something would have to happen in about 4 months, then something BIG in about 6 (a proposal) and something HUGE (wedding) in 9-12. That’s what he’d be thinking right now, right?
So, you laid out those specifics and now you’re already backing off of that timeline, should he not bring it up in Sept. And you’ll be playing an anxious waiting game until Christmas.
You really may want to gently ask his thoughts in Sept so you don’t do that to yourself.
Another reason to gently bring it up in Sept is that you don’t know how he took your letter, right? You don’t know if he’s like, “cool, sounds reas,” or if he’s freaking out inside. And the more time goes by without talking about it, the more you’re both wondering what the other one really wants and maybe drawing the wrong conclusions.
I don’t know, tell me I have no idea what I’m talking about, but strategic communication is kind of my thing.
I 100% wouldn’t be able to write a letter like that then wait for several months for the other person to bring it up. My stomach would be a wreck and I’d probably self sabotage the relationship because I was worrying constantly. But that’s me.
I do think it would be ok for you to bring it up sooner rather than later dre. In person. See what he’s thinking.
Yeah. I see what you’re saying. I just have no idea what to say.
I took it as a positive sign that he planned our trip to Belfast after all this happened. And that he’s being his usual self. I was kinda just planning to go and see what happens.
Sure, planning a trip is a good sign, but it doesn’t signal tacit agreement with your timeline and that he’s on the same page. Look, most people don’t think moving in = marriage. He probably *wasnt* thinking that. I’m betting he wasn’t thinking marriage for a while, after you’ve been living there for some time.
I might say, hey, you know, I realize I kind of put a lot out there and then said we don’t need to discuss until Christmas, and so I did want to check in and see what you’re thinking. It’s a chance to ask him what *he* had in mind, and find out if he’s feeling pressure. Personally, I would in this situation.
@MissDre you should bring it up. I get the feeling that you don’t want to bring it up because you don’t want to push him or because you don’t want to sound crazy for marriage. But this is a conversation that needs to happen, especially if you’re finally going to see each other.
I hate comparisons because I compare myself too much to others. I’ve seen a lot of my friends and family get married, including my 25-year old sister and I just don’t get why I haven’t found someone that wants to marry me. My two serious boyfriends were commitment phobes. So I get what everyone is saying about comparisons and timelines. I feel like I’m a catch and yet the two people I have been in love with have ended up kicking my ass. And it’s the worse when people tell you “but you’re so pretty/smart/nice, you’ll find someone in no time”. Well, I have found people before and guess what, they didn’t want me.
And now the whole thought of starting over with someone and have the same doubts about timelines, marriage, moving in, kids, etc, etc, “does he want the same, what is he thinking” just creeps me the hell out. I don’t want any of that. Why can’t relationships be easy?@Ale you’re right, I don’t want to push him, because we’ve been together for less than a year. I wouldn’t have even brought it up on my own til after Christmas anyway, but then he started the whole thing by saying he wants me to move.
Anyway, we’ll figure it out. I think I’m being nervous for no reason. Anytime I have brought up serious subjects with him, it has always lead to a positive conversation.
