DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Sure, he could be seeing other women and that’s fine. We met recently, don’t know each other well enough to be moving into relationship territory yet, and I assume that until that point any guy is or could be seeing other people. I don’t necessarily want to ragequit something that seemed to have potential, but he lied, got caught, made a desperate attempt to avoid notice, and then followed up with another lie. I don’t really know a way forward that doesn’t seem to just passively accept that
Well, you called him out already, so you didn’t passively accept it. I’m pretty much with you, but I guess I would feel for the guy if he told a harmless white lie and then looked like an asshole because you happened to see him. I re-read it and saw that he lied about running to his car, which is just dumb. He should have said he was just trying to be discreet about having other plans, and in retrospect it was stupid to say he’d be out of town… or just played it fuckin cool and said he got back early. I think you’re right that he irretrievably f’d it up when he texted you another lie.
Since I’m not dating right now but my sister is, I thought I’d regale you all with her most recent story.
She met an Indian-American guy on OKCupid and they’ve been dating for a couple of weeks, getting to the point where they are ready to have the exclusivity talk. He has said from the beginning that his parents won’t like that she is white and would have a hard time accepting her but “they would have to get over it”. He’s only introduced one other girl, who was also Indian, to his parents and they didn’t like her because her parents were divorced. (?)
Finally it comes out this week that he says that in the end his parents are the most influential people in his life and, after my sister pressed him on it, that if his parents didn’t approve of his girlfriend he would ultimately side with them and end the relationship. Keep in mind they’ve only been dating a few weeks (like 6 dates, I think) and she wouldn’t be meeting them until they’d been together 8 months-a year, according to him.
Now she is scared to get any closer to him because she doesn’t want to spend all this time with him and end up that he sides with his parents if they ultimately don’t like her because she’s white. He doesn’t understand why she is worrying about this right now but she doesn’t want to get her heart broken. FWIW, they are both Christian and she wants to get married and have a family, and doesn’t want to invest time in someone who that wouldn’t be a possibility with…plus she is terrified of getting hurt.
So I guess now they’re taking “a step back” and “getting to know each other” but ultimately I don’t see how that will work since they were at the stage of wanting to be exclusive but now this happened. So…we shall see.
As for me, I did my 5th open mic last night to a packed bar and everyone said I was hilarious! Yay. Other than that, it’s been a pretty low-key weekend for me.
@TheRascal I loved my first class! It was an endurance day and was a great workout! I burned 620 calories (and since they use heart rate monitors, actually trust that this is within the realm of accurate) and got 25 splat points. I ended up buying a package of 10 classes to supplement the workouts I already do. Kind of an impulse purchase, but I’m considering it my Christmas present to myself. The animal rescue I volunteer at is doing a fundraising event at an OrangeTheory next month and I’m pumped to go now!
@nickel_5 The whole lie is weird. If he’s busy, why say he’s out of town? Why not just say he’s busy/has plans, and counter with a date that works for him to show he’s still interested!? This is what I do when I’m dating more than one person and want to be discreet. No guy has ever pressed about what my “plans” are. But then literally *hiding*? And then lying about it when caught? Yeah, that would be a no-go for me.
@TheLadyE I couldn’t date a guy who lets parents decide how our relationship plays out. A good friend of mine (Pakistani, Muslim) ended up marrying her boyfriend (white, American, agnostic) and her parents initially told her they’d disown her if she did. Their relationship had some super dramatic moments caused by her family’s disapproval. I told her once that I wouldn’t have been able to handle it had I been in his shoes. I’m not sure what ultimately changed but her parents have accepted it.Okay, no. It’s only been 2 weeks. She should move on right now. He’s doing her a favor telling her so early on that his parents are not going to be okay with her (they’re not. He knows it, you know it, I know it) and that he’d “side with them.” She needs to thank him for his transparency and NOT continue “getting to know him.”
“Finally it comes out this week that he says that in the end his parents are the most influential people in his life and, after my sister pressed him on it, that if his parents didn’t approve of his girlfriend he would ultimately side with them and end the relationship.”
No.
I know it, yep. However, she HATES when I try to give her advice (I’m older) so she has to figure it out on her own. She’s already been agonizing about this for over a week and crying herself to sleep at night because of it. I tried to say that no relationship should have this much angst and hurt and conditions, especially right in the beginning, but even that she didn’t want to hear from me. I also tried to say that maybe it’s a maturity issue – he just turned 26 and has very little relationship experience – but she uses that to justify staying with him because she says “He’s never had to deal with this before so he hasn’t thought about how he’d handle it.”
She lives in Boston; I mean, I want to tell her there are plenty more guys there and she should cut and run now, but she’s “falling” for him. It seems to be one of those lessons, as most are, that she’ll have to learn the hard way. She’s very big into telling me “I told you so” with guys I date, but I’m trying to be the bigger person, and sister, and not do that. It’s hard! But with the holidays coming up I need to keep the peace.
The other thing that annoys me is that it seems like he’s kind of being a dick about it. Like, he jokingly said something like “OK, what if I just say I don’t like you anymore and we should be friends? Would that solve this?” Like WTF, dude? He’s the one who has the issue, not her. So she called him on it and he said that’s not how he felt. And then he got snarky when she said she was hanging out with one of her guy friends, like “OK go date him, I see how you are.” Ugh. Just so much immaturity. The last guy she dated was such an asshole – and an emotionally abusive addict too – but she thinks I pick losers so she can’t really hear it from me.
That would be a no for me too @nickel. Actively hiding and lying made this all so ridiculous. He sounds like a child who can’t own his decisions. And lying since the beginning? No no.
“…agonizing about this for over a week and crying herself to sleep at night because of it.”
This is crazytown. After dating this guy for a week, she was agonizing and crying herself to sleep? Truly bananas. I can’t.
I might have described the timeline inaccurately: they’d been dating about 2 weeks, then this week (3rd week) she wormed this out of him. They have been talking about being exclusive since last weekend.
He’s all “Why do we need to talk about this now?”
I wanted to say…even my last relationship (which she disapproved of vociferously because my ex is an atheist, that’s a whole other story and that was an hour of therapy time right there) was really happy and honeymoon-y up until, y’know, he broke up with me suddenly. No angst like this so early on. But, hey, what on earth do I know? 😉
Yeah, this is super dramatic for someone she’s only been dating for a couple weeks. I get being *sad* about something you had high hopes for not working out, and I’ve definitely cried a few tears over a couple guys I went out with once or twice, but agonizing and crying yourself to sleep? That’s a bit much.
It’s not just about the angst. He literally told her what’s going to happen, and that it would happen in about 8 months’ time. Like, okay, be hurt now, but CUT IT OFF because if you’re this messed up after a couple weeks, how do you think you’re going to feel in a year?
