DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Oh, and I think I’m also not immune to the fear of being alone driving my decision-making. I wouldn’t put up with a lot of the crap detailed here, but when I went to therapy recently, I cried all over the therapist’s office. I cried because I really felt a connection with C.T. and how could he not be feeling it, but then also started crying wondering aloud if it’s time to settle cause settling is the best I can do. So yeah. There’s that.
My exboyfriend once threw up in my car. He got it cleaned and never drank after that. We had been together for a year. But peeing in your bed, when you have been dating recently, I mean, just no.
She says she cried the whole time she was cleaning up her mattress. Like wtf.Copa, don’t settle! Unless you really only care about marriage and kids, then sure, settle.
I was 35 when I started dating the husband. Mid-35 in fact. My close friend just turned 36 when she met her now husband. Another friend was 33 when she met hers and married at 35. Another friend is my age, started dating her guy at 35 and they’re starting to talk marriage. I can give more examples, too! I never knew I’d attend so many first marriages in my mid to late 30’s. It’s insane!
I think there is something to be said for adjusting expectations. I think that’s different than settling though. To me, settling means you’ll marry any dude who comes along and shows interest, even if he isn’t a good fit, just so you can be married. Adjusting expectations means taking a look at your dating patterns and see if any isn’t working and maybe look outside your normal.
@copa, I’m with Ktfran…don’t settle! I don’t have any examples though. Being from the south, most of the people I know were married young (and not always to the right people…but ya know, that’s what you do in the south, marry young). Except for my best friend. I think she did settle. I like her husband and he’s a good guy, but I don’t think they are a match. I’d never tell her that in a million years (though she said something similar to me once) She didn’t even want kids so timing wasn’t a factor. She just didn’t want to be alone. They are still together (8 or so years now) so I’m hoping those feelings she had are gone and they are happy.
Ok-maybe that’s not a great example either cause it worked for her. Maybe go kick more butt at Orange Theory as that sounds awesome! I might have to look into that 🙂
Yeah, it wasn’t so much crying about “is it time to settle?” but I was telling her about A.T., who I am still casually dating but not thinking I have any kind of future with because, well, he doesn’t treat me the way I’d like to be treated. Like, he’ll tell me what he’s doing on any given weekend, and if our schedules allow, we’ll go out. But it seems pretty clear that I’m low on the priority list, so I’ve put him pretty low on mine. And I was crying in therapy more because, I mean, is the best I can do some guy who squeezes me into his schedule when it’s convenient? I enjoy his company enough and for casual companionship it’s fine, but my expectations for him are low. (And then I cried about how when my dog dies in like 10 years, I’ll be 40 and alone again.) My therapist herself is about 35 and recently got married to a guy she met on OKCupid a couple years ago, so she understands the struggle. It’s not that I don’t believe people can’t find a good match well into their 30s (or beyond, for that matter — my best friend’s grandpa met someone at the nursing home), it’s just I’ve started doubting it’ll ever happen for ME.
I know next week when I go home for Thanksgiving I’ll be, like, the 13th wheel when I go out with friends from home, and I’m dreading it. The holidays are hard enough without feeling like the odd man out.
In any case, I likely won’t be dating much until 2018 with the holidays being right around the corner. This time of year always tends to be jam-packed with obligations. I have a few trips coming up and a huge work conference after travel winds down. And then more travel for Christmas. Dating likely won’t be a huge priority, so I might just use this time to recharge.
“Is the best I can do some guy who squeezes me into his schedule when it’s convenient? – No! The guy I dated before my boyfriend was like that. He was always so busy with work and always coming up with excuses. I’d suggest hanging out and he’d say he was too tired or didn’t have the time. It was really frustrating, especially because he’s the one who pursued me in the beginning. It will make you appreciate it that much more when you do find someone who makes time for you!
And as for that guy, in the past 4 years he’s had 3 different girlfriends, all ranging from a few months to a year, and he got engaged to one. All the relationships ended, and I’m wondering if his poor time management was an issue in those relationships as well.
@Copa, I totally understand what you’re saying. I will be 35 on Thanksgiving (holy shit) and my dog is 9 1/2. My vet thinks I will get her well into her teen years and maybe to 20, so I’m hoping to do the best I can with her. She’s very healthy right now and acts the same as she did when she was 3. 🙂
I’m feeling a little angst with M.G. I just ask that you don’t be too judgmental or critical, but if you also have general advice that would be helpful.
We spent the whole weekend together. On Sunday morning an hour before he was going to meet my sister and BIL for a casual lunch, we were sitting on his couch and he asked me, “Is there anything I can do to make you happier? Because you make me happy.” When I was silent for a few moments, he said, “That’s a loaded question. Forget I asked that.” And I think he didn’t mean any negative connotations or anything, he just wants to make me happy but not overwhelm me.
I’m angsting because there have been moments of “maybe I should break this off”. There’s no real reason except maybe I’m not as physically attracted to him as I want to be and his scent is different to what I’m used to, but the physical parts of our relationship are fun and good. And I do find parts of him sexy. Also, when we were eating breakfast that morning, there were moments of silence and I panicked that we don’t connect on an emotional level. But we talk a lot about various things, and we’ve been in moments of silent before. I hope to chalk that up to still being tired. Overall, the physical attraction part is shallow, but just a “not feeling it anymore” is a legitimate reason to end a relationship. But I’m not ready to end it either.
The moment he asked that question I had the urge to just break it off. But I didn’t want to be rash and it wasn’t that he was just about to meet my sister and I’d be embarrassed because she’d be fine with it. It just seemed like a bad thing to do then in the heat of the moment without thinking it through. So I said “I like you and I like spending time with you. I think that my level of feelings to you are not the same as you express and that’s a concern.” And he said that was OK. And that he does express his feelings more, but that’s how he is.
So we “kissed and made up” and lunch with my sister was pretty good. Everyone’s pretty nice and amiable. We actually went out for food in my culture and he liked it which although not a big factor is definitely a plus.
@ktfran, you mentioned almost marrying a “nice guy” at one point. Do you mind sharing a bit more about that?It’s only been 2.5 months. This angst is not good so early, but I’m an anxious and doubtful person. I don’t want to self-sabotage. He’s kind and good to me. He’s smart and funny. I like that he’s more country and I’m more city, and I learn a lot from him. Friday night he met a few more of my friends and it turned out to be all guy friends since one of my girlfriends fell ill. And I was afraid it would be awkward but it was fun! I sound a bit me doth protest too much. We had a late night Friday so Saturday night we went to bed at 9:30 and it was also great. I feel so comfortable around him. I’ve told him things I’ve never told anyone else.
And honestly, just reading about the various guys on here and just on the internet, this guy is a gem. I wouldn’t be settling. So of course that makes me hesitant to “get back in there” (I was never really in there). I don’t know if I would find someone “better”, partly because I don’t know what I want. And I’d hate if a guy felt this way about me.
Most relationships don’t last forever, but I don’t want to break this off yet, because we are still having fun together. The longer I wait the more it’ll hurt. Also maybe he’ll break it off. But also I’m looking at the months and I’m thinking ok well he’s gone for two weeks at the end of November so you will have to break up early December before Christmas. Otherwise you will have to wait until the middle of January. And that is messed up and I feel shitty for thinking things like that. I just want to “ride it out” and really know if this will happen or not and yet I don’t want to waste our time, even though most relationships don’t last forever.
I’d say in the last 4 years, I’ve attended about three weddings/year. Of those weddings:
All but one was for people between the ages of 33 and 38, most were 35/36. That one was for my younger cousin and he lives in a small city. Still, he was late 20s. I’d say about half dated for only a year.
All but two of those people dated for about a year about they got engaged and was married within nine months. Only two dated longer.
Of all those, only me and one of my friends are with someone who has been married before. Luckily, there is no baggage with that.
Also of those, only two have had trouble conceiving, and one of those has finally conceived. The other is still trying unfortunately.
Anyway, I thought a few hard statistics would help to show that it’s not only late 20 something/early 30 something people getting married!! There’s hope!
Oh, and we already have two weddings on the docket for next year. Same age range. The husband is one. If my friend T ends up getting engaged, we’ll have three.
@hfantods, I guess I don’t understand what has you so stressed. If you hands down don’t see a future with him, and feel like you’re leading him on because he has expressed that he DOES see that with you, then maybe you should break up with him. If you’re just not sure yet how you feel one way or another, then my advice is to chill out and stop overthinking it. It’s been 2.5 months. You don’t need to have your feelings all sorted out yet. In the grand scheme of relationships, this time frame is a blip.
This section I took from your post tells me you see something in this, but are scared:
” He’s smart and funny. I like that he’s more country and I’m more city, and I learn a lot from him. Friday night he met a few more of my friends and it turned out to be all guy friends since one of my girlfriends fell ill. And I was afraid it would be awkward but it was fun! I sound a bit me doth protest too much. We had a late night Friday so Saturday night we went to bed at 9:30 and it was also great. I feel so comfortable around him. I’ve told him things I’ve never told anyone else.”So again, unless you’re sure, just stop thinking about it and take it for what it is. And silence is ok!! One can’t possibly talk the whole time they’re with another person when it’s been days!
hfantods, I can tell you about the “nice guy”….
We were engaged but I called it off on the account of never wanting to have sex with him. In retrospect, I should have called it off sooner, but I didn’t because everything other aspect of our relationship with great.
He was smart and funny. A bit nerdy. He was into outdoor sports. He built things. We liked the same food and movies and travel. We had the same idea about family. We both adored each others family. I liked to hug him and cuddle with him. Oh, he was also good looking, it’s odd that I didn’t list that first. Anyway. He was a great friend! Sex was ok in the beginning, but it faded pretty fast. Once he proposed, and I did think I wanted to marry him, I freaked out. I realized that as great as he was, he wasn’t great for me and we both deserved someone who meets all our needs. Not having sex was the only thing we argued about. And that was before marriage and kids! So… I went to a therapist and finally called it off. It was a good decision and now I’m with someone who does meet all my needs for friendship and love and sex!
I feel for you hfantolds. I really, really do. I can’t tell you what to do because people have different needs or reasons for being in a relationship. For me, I wanted all aspects and I’m glad I broke it off. All I can say is, if at two+ months in, you’re feeling meh, this may not be the right guy for you?
Or do what Lianne said, and relax, and see where it goes?
Yeah, I think it’s got to be a gut decision for you. No one here can tell you what to do. But you admitted you get anxious and doubtful, so that’s the only reason I say see what happens. Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies…
