DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Also, a Christian and a Jew believe in the same God. A practicing Christian and an atheist is a little tougher. Not saying it can’t work, but… Anyway, the woman in the forum post was a good example of how not to proceed!
@Cleopatra_30, yeah! It’s been four months. He says what he feels in the moment all the time, which is what I meant when I wrote that, but I don’t think it was spur of the moment; as in, we had been cuddling for a bit and listening to good music, and at a certain moment he said it. I think he meant it as a whole. Strangely (?) I felt comfortable with it, because I knew he was saying what he felt and he wasn’t requiring anything from me.
Haha shoot, I missed that thread. I don’t know if he straight up identifies as an atheist, but I asked if he was more atheist or agnostic and he said atheist. He said he’d be open to going to church with me someday. He didn’t go to church at all as a child, so it wasn’t something that he grew out of or decided not to continue. As for me, it wasn’t a dealbreaker that someone not be the same religion as me, but as this progresses, it is different applying it.
When FMH saved me into his phone I was sitting next to him. He saved me as “Hot Hizzy” and I told him not acceptable and he changed it immediately. He meant it as a joke. I found out later that I had several nicknames within friend groups but mostly related to my state of origin and things like that. Nothing about my job/working class.
Being saved as “Hot Hizzy” (this was the first weekend in real life we met) made me question his intentions at first. I have since realized he was far more serious about me than I was about him to start. But if I had heard one of his buddies slip up and call me “Hot Hizzy” I would have not been very thrilled. At the time I was so far from invested I might have dropped him from it.
Before him I also dated a very religious man, and I am more agnostic than anything. It would never have worked because as agnostic I don’t believe in a God being and he did. He also muffed away evolution and things of the such. There were some serious fundamental differences because of his belief and my non-belief. Depending on how you want to raise kids I believe having similar belief (or non belief) in a religion is more important than some realize.
I used to always have nicknames for different guys, cuz I was going on lots of dates and nicknames that described these guys were how my friends knew who I was talking about.
But with current bf… I dunno I’ve always just called him by his name.
I think there are pet names (generally what you agree to call each other, like “babe,” once you’re dating), and nicknames, which are how you might refer to the person to others. A nickname should never be something they *dont or wouldn’t call themselves.* like if it’s a variation on their name that they themselves sign off on (my major exes both had names like this), or something they use in dating or social media profiles. Or even their profession if that’s how they identify. But you could create a bad situation by using a nickname that’s not endorsed by the person (appearance-based, occupation-based, class or ethnicity based).
Heard from the SIL that the kiddos were feeling much better the next day. 🙂
And as a Jew (on the agnostic side) who married a Catholic, I think it doesn’t need to be a dealbreaker. But, in my experience it seems to work better if the two people are generally open to learning about what the other thinks/believes and doesn’t want to change them, values are otherwise pretty aligned, and can come to an agreement on how kids (if any) are to be raised. I’m personally not sure on having kids, but long ago we talked about how we would raise potential children and we were both in agreement that we’d expose them to both and let them come to their own decision on religion and what they believed. I also knew a bunch of interfaith families growing up and saw firsthand that it could work.
I also think it helps if both are at the same level of religiousness/observance. Like my husband and I go to church/temple maybe a few times a year and religion isn’t a part of our everyday life. I also knew a couple where one was an Orthodox Jew and the other a religious Catholic, and they both became part of a Quaker community (and had a Quaker wedding, which was interesting).
My BIL’s Orthodox Jewish family members wouldn’t come to his and my sister’s wedding because she wasn’t Jewish. They even had kosher meals at the wedding and bought separate silverware, etc. in case those members came. They didn’t. They don’t recognize my nephew as Jewish either, because again, she’s not.
The Quaker thing is so interesting!
I wouldn’t care if someone (temporarily) put me in their phone as “Hot Copa.” Or any kind of nickname that isn’t insulting. I’d hope to eventually earn a better nickname than that. BCB is an insulting nickname, so yeah, I’ll never tell him that and he’d have every right to be upset. Though it’s still early, and he may bolt soon anyway.
Regarding religion, I think many people who think they’re agnostic are actually atheist. A + theism = without religion. (No???) A lot of people who are like, “erm, well, I dunno!” call themselves agnostic, but to me that seems like a crutch.
Anyway, I spent a long time calling myself agnostic and now am more like, “alright, I’m probably atheist,” which is kind of scary in a way. I don’t think I could date someone extremely religious because I think our perspectives on life and the world would be really different — that would be hard even without throwing kids into the mix. I went on a handful of dates with a guy I really liked in many ways about a year and a half ago. He was religious and because of his beliefs, leaned conservative in ways I do not (most notably, he’s pro-life). I couldn’t let it go (and I’m pretty sure he thought I was a baby killer). I absolutely could not date someone who doesn’t believe in evolution (or science in general).
In any case, if you’re not even sure if you are into the guy, worrying about how to raise your kids seems premature.
Also, I wouldn’t make a nickname for someone that I wouldn’t say to his or her face. I use to nickname men that my friend’s were dating, but it was always something I would say to the dude’s face. So it was fun and lighthearted.
A college friend of mine is Muslim and her now-husband identifies as Christian (but from what I’ve heard, he sounds pretty atheist to me). When they were dating, her parents were basically like, “No. Absolutely not with this guy,” and basically told her they’d never speak to her again if she married this guy. Initially, he told her he’d convert for her. I remember telling her at one point that I could never convert to something I don’t believe in, and by adulthood, I don’t see how most people can devoutly start believing in a new religion. Eventually he came to the conclusion that he couldn’t in good faith convert. After years of drama, they got married and everyone (including her family) has chilled out. My friend hasn’t been ex-communicated and to my knowledge they’re welcoming her new-ish husband into their lives. I could not have handled the drama and uncertainty that existed over religion during their dating years.
