DW Community Catch-up Thread
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It’s good that you don’t care, but even the large vs. small and managing family expectations is worth a discussion. Like, you don’t have to have it settled prior to an engagement, but casually bringing these kinds of things up in conversation isn’t the worst idea ever, and at best, you won’t be blindsided during the planning.
This goes with lots of things about spending your life together, not just the wedding.
If your mutual timeline has you getting married this Christmas, i think you should be discussing in some detail.
My parents were very worried that FMH would want a Catholic wedding because his race is traditionally Catholic. They had this fear built up over a few months before they asked. They finally asked over Christmas, and we relived them that we were not going that route. FMH and I had those discussion prior to engagement because of my past experience with an ex that was super religious.
I agree with ktfran, I’m so glad we talked a little about some of those larger ideas before getting engaged (like having a wedding, managing families, etc.). And it’s not like we decided everything before getting engaged, but it was a hell of a lot easier to be firm with our parents on not quadrupling the size of our guest list within a week of our engagement (an actual conversation we had).
And with a Hindu wedding, depending on the area of India they’re from, it can get complicated fast. For example, a friend is marrying a Hindu guy and having a candle in the ceremony has driven so many decisions throughout their planning because not many venues allow open flames. And that’s only one detail.
Good point Portia. No need to figure out all the details. I’m really talking about the larger ideas as you said. For instance, the husband and I both decided that we wanted an immediate family only ceremony and a party with everyone else before we were engaged. And that I wanted to spend money on a photographer. But how we executed our vision was decided after we got engaged.
One of my friends (Indian, Hindu) and her husband had a Hindu wedding. It was important to their families that they do it this way. It was very, very beautiful, but there were events for several days. Also, during the ceremony, it was kinda funny cause neither my friend nor her husband knew what they were expected to do a few times (they don’t do rehearsals).
ETA: I don’t think Hindu weddings are typically “small and simple” — like, the groom rides into his ceremony on a horse — so if that’s what you want, definitely good to address expectations ahead of time.
Oooo this is so timely for me! My boyfriend was also raised Hindu, but is an atheist. And I’m an agnostic who was raised Catholic. We are planning to get married in the next year or so (not engaged yet, but it’s coming) and have been talking a ton about what kind of wedding we should have. His parents are super religious and I know they’d want us to have a traditional Hindu wedding, but my boyfriend isn’t sure he wants to- tho I can see his mother lobbying HARD for it. When the time comes it’s going to be a delicate balance between what feels right for us as a couple and seeing how much we should try to please our families. We already decided it’s going to be buffet style since we’ll essentially have to have two menus. One of the main reasons we are already semi-planning it is to save and busget for it- it’s worth it to have these discussions for the financial planning alone.
I’m really not all that fussed about wedding planning. If we end up going to the court house and then going out for dinner after, that’s cool too! I just can’t possibly imagine wanting any kind of party that would take a year to plan and I can’t picture him wanting that either.
One of his friends got engaged in April and they were married a month later in May and it was perfect. A beautiful little dinner gathering and then we all went to a bar after. They didn’t even send out formal invitations, it was just like “Hey, we’re getting married, wanna come?” I thought it was awesome.
I just want to get married, I don’t care about having a wedding.
@Copa, the same thing happened at my friend’s Hindu wedding ceremony – she was like “Yeah, I had no idea what was going on for some of it”!
Oh yes, @Copa makes a good point that I forgot to mention- traditional Hindu weddings are very involved and I’m not sure how you would make it small. I was trying to explain this to my aunt the other day. She thinks that we can just have a pandit say a prayer and that will be enough to satisfy the Hindu side. I almost laughed when she said that. She meant well with the suggestion, but she was looking at it through a very simplistic lens. I’m pretty sure his parents would feel totally erased from the process if that was all we did.
I should probably also mention that the only family he has around is his mom and his 2 siblings so it’s not like there are generations of extended family to include. He is also extremely laid back and has the same attitude towards weddings that I do. So figuring all this out now is just not a priority. We’re busy talking about other things lol.
I saw your second comment after I posted again. My bad! Yeah if you know it’s going to be small, then of course focus on other things. I am a perpetual worrier and right now that worry is centered on how to tell my future MIL we don’t want 500 people at the wedding haha.
