DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I think I once shared on here the story about how a guy from Tinder once found me on Facebook and sent me a message on there. I didn’t see it until, like, a year had gone by, but it was creepy, made the guy look desperate, and felt invasive and inappropriate. So there’s one perspective. He says he’s open to Instagram messages, which you’ve done, so now you sit back and see what happens. Anything beyond that is pretty inappropriate IMHO. Nobody can possibly seem THAT incredibly by dating app…
Hm, I wonder if people would use dating profiles as advertisements… Like if you’re good looking enough, you could say something like the guy said (redirect people to an Instagram profile) and gather followers that way.
Yeah, I wouldn’t email him either. It’s possible he saw a message notification from you and wasn’t interested so didn’t “read” the message.
Or if:
1) You’re just kind of a dick and can’t make it work with anyone you meet on dating sites
2) You’re lazy AF
3) You’re supposed to be giving it a go with someone you met online, and not be using dating apps, so you redirect to your DMs so you can still lowkey check out your options.
I mean, I get it. Hinge is a bunch of swiping with very little connection. That’s why I haven’t been on it much – every time I try, I get very few matches and I think they have a lot of old profiles of people who aren’t active.
I took a poll of the single guys at my office and they all said give him the weekend at least, so I’m holding off on emailing for now. Several of them said they would like an email – shows initiative and interest – but for now I’m just gonna wait and see if he checks his DMs.
Hm. I definitely did not like the “interest” and “initiative” the guy who sent me a Facebook message showed, but to each their own, I suppose. My actual thought was, “Wow, this person could have shown up at my office if he’d wanted to, and that’s frightening.” (Not saying you’d do this, but it IS scary to think about the “what ifs” of personal information being out there on the Internet.) I also think it’s weird to make a point of saying you’re on an online dating break but putting it out there that you can message them on Instagram. I know how exhausting online dating is from personal experience, but it seems like the height of laziness to sit back and see what comes at you through Instagram, and then decide if you’re interested. I doubt anyone taking that approach is looking for a serious commitment…
E, seriously, if he really wants messages on Insta and is actually interested in dating, and available to date, and if he’s actually interested in meeting you, he’s going to reply to your DM. If any of those are not true, he won’t. What could an email follow-up accomplish that the DM didn’t? He didn’t ask for email, he asked for DM on Instagram. You made your interest known. That’s all you can and should do. Single guys at work can suck it. I did take advice from a happily married guy at work, to get on Match and to go on a second date with my now-husband, but polling the single guys is silly.
Also, barely related, but my office has a staircase that leads to the floor below ours, to the office of a sister company. Several months ago, both offices/floors were on lockdown because an employee of our sister company had some loon she’d gone out with (not sure if it was a guy she’d been out with a couple times, or a serious ex) dropping by the office against her wishes/not leaving her alone/generally being inappropriate. First, he showed up to her office, and eventually I believe he learned their floor is accessible through ours, so he came up to our office to use the staircase. I don’t remember all the details, and I doubt I was told the whole story, but it’s scary to know people behave like this.
Personally, I wouldn’t send an e-mail. And also personally, I would be a little freaked out if someone I did not know tried to contact me multiple times or multiple ways. But maybe because I’m weary and a woman.
Please listen to us and not the single boys at work: don’t email the guy. It makes you look desperate and stalker-ish, neither of which is sexy. Maybe in some rom-com, the guy would see your email, realize what a catch you are, and how he narrowly missed out on the chance to get to know you because he stopped checking his dating site messages and he insta messages and luckily you are a feisty woman with initiative and now you’ll ride off into the sunset together, but it’s not going to work that way. You’re going to feel more defeated and rejected and eventually foolish that you tried so hard. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the best, especially with dating. You already showed initiative and interest. Let fate and the guy do some work now if it’s meant to be.
Not only are you not going to get good advice from all the random single guys at work (as opposed to, say, one person who’s your work BFF and knows you well and who you really trust), it doesn’t look good professionally to involve groups of co-workers in your dating life. I know, I’m sure it’s a super fun and informal office and everyone talks about their personal life, and you actually don’t even do it that much, it was just this one time. Trust me though, it won’t help you, and could hold you back.
Yeah, nobody’s dating drama really reflects well on them in a professional capacity. Like, I don’t think that talking about it violates professional norms, but exposing people to the ins and outs of that side of your life can be deleterious to professional trust and advancement. You want people thinking of you as always-competent and no one is always-competent in their dating life.
