OK so, this is getting ridiculous. I am a 35 year old professional woman who understands boundaries, holy shit – I would never show up at his work (?!) and I wouldn’t even add him on Facebook because that looks like too much of a stalker. I would appreciate a bit of the benefit of the doubt, please.

I also very strategically chose the guys at work I was asking based on 1) guys who had talked to me about dating or relationships before, 2) guys I know who are on dating apps, and 3) guys who are looking for or who are in a relationship. I didn’t just poll randos, which I didn’t explain because I was kind of hoping for the benefit of the doubt there too. Several of these guys I have known since my last company and/or have talked to me about their own dating lives or marriages. They thought it was awesome to help me out, and I prefaced it by saying “This is not a work related question, just an opinion, if you’re busy you don’t have to take time to answer” etc.

I’m EXTREMELY cognizant of my reputation at work (see: not wanting to pursue the crush I had here despite him acting like he has interest) and would never do anything to jeopardize the career I’ve built for a decade for some random guy on a dating app. I mean, seriously. I’ve even gotten feedback from some of the directors (I’m on the sales leadership team) that I need to be more open/lighten up to fit in with the culture here. I am in no danger of this holding me back.

I also asked these guys because they are my target market: single (or recently married), several in their mid-30s, and looking for a relationship.

Apparently I needed to spell all that out, so there it is.

Anyway, I guess we’ll see what happens if/when he checks his Instagram. I have to say, I no longer believe in “if it’s meant to be” or “letting fate take its course,” but I don’t want to look inappropriate or like I don’t understand social norms.

I feel a bit piled on here, so I’d appreciate if we could move on from this.

I specifically said I didn’t think you were doing those cooky things I described. I’m just saying, as someone who has received a message from a stranger who saw me on a dating site, Googled me, and decided to contact me on an entirely separate platform, when this happens, you have NO CLUE what that person might do because they’re a TOTAL STRANGER. And that’s why being on the receiving end is unnerving, not flattering. (The workplace example I shared is just an example that yes, some people actually will do bizarre things like show up at an office uninvited.) Bluntly, emailing him seems just as stalkerish as adding him on Facebook, if not moreso, and I’m truly not sure why it seems like a good idea if you understand boundaries. Saying you’re open to receiving IG DMs is not the same as saying “Find my full name on IG, Google me, find my personal email, and shoot me a note.” I know these things can be easy to find online, and I’m not at all judging you for Googling him (I do stuff like that, too). I’m sorry if you’re feeling ganged up on — I don’t think that’s anyone’s intention (it’s certainly not mine) — but I think the response you’re getting goes to show that what you’re thinking about doing IS considered boundary-crossing by many people.

Oh ya so much no. Do not email him. No no no no no. So creepy. The guys in your office are not thinking of this how they would actually react. They would be saying what a stalker a chick is if she did this. They are just thinking “hey hot chick wants to meet me, yes!” I guarantee not one would actually find it anything but stalker if it actually happened. He can see your message. I don’t see DM’s in my instagram for weeks and I go on there daily. I just never use that as a way to message people so it doesn’t even occur to me. Heck I don’t even know how to get into them unless one somehow shows up one day.

Ys, this hurts you proffessionally. Do not overshare at work. As someone who had a long relationship with a coworker, and even a year after it finished, people STILL TALK.
I went to my first session with a new therapist yesterday. IT WENT SO WELL, I’m so happy I finally found a good one.

I’m sorry you feel piled on. I just really don’t think it’s a good idea to email him for privacy reasons. It’s kind of “falling for a profile” which you know better.

As for the work thing, I’d say you know your workplace. But all this talk makes me think of something I did that still makes me cringe. I met a guy at a social event for our professional association. I thought we were vibing but I didn’t do anything. Then I saw him on Bumble a couple months later. For a couple weeks I would literally restart the app so I didn’t have to swipe left or right. Then I decided to swipe right and we matched! I messaged something like “oh hey there, [something about his profile]”. He said “haha I’m just on this to see what’s out there.” I was a little taken aback but just said “Haha, how 2016 of you”. And he either unmatched me or deleted his profile later. Anyway I just cringe! It was all innocuous and he was on there too and swiped right. But ugh whenever I see him, maybe a few times a year, I always think about it. It’s fine. I didn’t say anything wrong. We don’t work together. But it’s just one thing I cringe whenever I think about it.

Instagram Dude Update: he messaged me back. Crisis averted. 😛

Happy Friday, all!