DW Community Catch-up Thread
- This topic has 11,820 replies, 97 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks, 2 days ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Oh my gosh that dress is amazing, Hizzy! I love the embroidery on the train (that’s what it is, yes?). So lovely. <3
Nothing super exciting to report on my end right now, but I do have a bit of a conundrum: in an effort to not put all my eggs in one (coworker’s) basket, I’ve stayed somewhat active on Match and a guy in his early 40s has been messaging me and seems really interested. I would be interested too, except…he has 3 kids, and, I just found out, to two different women. My rule is generally that I don’t want to date guys with kids and I almost always make it an outright dealbreaker, but this guy was nice/smart/could string a sentence together well enough that initially I made an exception – but then last night a few things he was saying (we were trying to work out when to get together, he has his kids this weekend, etc) made me pause, so I asked him straight up how many kids he had and their ages. Turns out he has two teenage boys (meanwhile I can’t believe I’m at an age where I could feasibly date a man who has TEENAGERS) with his ex-wife and also a 2-year-old daughter with a former girlfriend.
Eesh. I mean, two baby mamas and 3 kids? It seems like a lot. I know maybe that sounds terrible but keep in mind I usually say no to guys with kids outright. The other part of this is that I had to worm this information out of him – he wasn’t straightforward in telling me and I have to think it’s because he knew I would be more likely to say no to a date.
Writing all this out, it’s pretty clear I need to tell him this isn’t for me. Argh.
Happy Sunday, everyone! Hope you’re all having a nice weekend. Thanks for listening to me ramble.
LadyE – with all due respect what you’ve always done hasn’t worked well for you thus far, right? So, maybe the converse is true: maybe what you’ve always avoided could actually… work? Early 40s is not too old for you. I think you’re mid-30s, right? And, yeah, that is easily old enough to not only date someone with teenagers, but to have teenagers yourself. You’re not a kid anymore. You’re not really young anymore (I say this as someone several years older than you); if you want to find a match, you have to make some concessions. You have to reevaluate what you previously considered “deal-breakers.” Men your age or a few years older (which is a good age match for you) or a few years younger are going to have life experiences – many of which will include previous marriages, and children.
I had a friend who was still single at 36 and feeling bad about it. A former high school classmate connected with her on Facebook and they began talking. He had not one, but two ex-wives and a 5-year-old son. He also lived many states away. She could have said any of those were deal-breakers, but she liked him, she remembered him fondly, and she was tired of being single and knew she had to say yes when she may have said no in the past.
They’ve been married six years now and have a preschool kid together (And successfully co-parent the now-teenager with the mom).
Take/give chances. What do you really have to lose?
Thanks ladies.
As someone who said no to dating guys with kids FMH has 4 with two baby mommas. Showed his true compassion and his ability to love. Makes me love him more.
LadyE, please don’t feel any pressure to date people you would rather not. Age is not a big issue but dating guys with children is a lot of work.
All I’m saying is that sometimes avoiding something because it’s a lot of work – or you think it will be a lot of work – could prevent you from obtaining the joy you seek. Not always, but often enough that if you’ve spent literally years and years seeking a certain joy and ruling out various potential paths to it, it may be worth re-evaluating the paths you thus far have ruled too treacherous or whatever to traverse. Maybe those paths aren’t as challenging as you think they are, and maybe the joy you find on the way is worth whatever challenge they bring.
I agree with the general idea of breaking dating habits if the same old isn’t working for you (trying to do that now myself!), but I think it depends why dating someone with kids is a deal-breaker for you. I don’t really like children, don’t want to spend a ton of time around them — so a man with kids has generally been one of my deal-breakers. I’d consider making an exception for a man with older kids (teenagers are more or less raised), but a two-year-old? Nah, not for me. Not now, anyway, and maybe not ever.
That is an incredible dress, Hizzy! I like how it’s structured and flowy!
Hmmm, I feel the same way as you LadyE but I think it’s worth one date out to see.
My boyfriend has been in Europe on vacation for the last two weeks. I really can’t wait to see him when he gets back this week. I think it’s been the longest we haven’t seen each other. When he’s gone for work he still comes back on a Friday/leaves Sunday. I know there are a couple ldrs here so I feel a bit silly saying that. He asked me I think in February/March if I’d be interested in going with him and I wasn’t quite ready at that time but I of course told him to go. I think it worked out since we are doing a big family reunion trip in the fall. But I am so jealous of his pictures!!
Hmm, Wendy, I have thought about this a lot, too and the conclusion I’ve come to is that I…don’t agree that I need to make concessions. I’ve been on my own most of my life and right now I really like my life, my freedom, my ability to spend my time doing comedy and investing in myself and my passions and goals. I don’t want a relationship *at any and all costs.* I want a relationship, a partnership, with shared values, visions for our lives, goals, and dreams that each has the ability and interest in supporting. A man who has teenage children who he is going to have to send to college in the next 3-5 years is not going to be that partner by virtue of the fact that, as they should, his children come first. I don’t think *I* am a good fit for a man with teenage children, is really what it is.
In your example, a man with one 5 year old child is very different, IMO, than a man with 3 children to two different women, 2 of whom are teenagers. The guy in question was not married to the mother of his last child, and said that he had a baby with her way before he should have. That raises red flags to me as well. And hey, it worked out for your friend, and that’s great! Alternately, I have had several women in very long term relationships or marriages – women in their mid-late 40s, as well – tell me POINT BLANK not to be a stepmom. That it’s not worth it. So, obviously everyone’s results may vary.
And also, I never said early 40s was too old for me. I’ve been out with 3 guys who were 42 in the last few months. It’s the having several kids thing that I’m hesitant about, specifically. And for what it’s worth, I think “young” and “not young” is a state of mind and I certainly don’t feel “old” enough to give up my dealbreakers because of my age.
What do I have to lose? An entire evening when I could be doing comedy, working out, working toward my goals, spending time with my 10 year old dog, going out with someone else, deepening my friendships. I’ve cultivated a life that is very full and busy and I only want to make room in it for someone who could be a really good potential match. So, in my view, a lot, actually. This week alone I have zero evenings free until Friday, none on the weekend, and even then I would be giving up an open mic on Friday, too, if I decided to go out with someone that night.
A guy with kids, at least you know he has the sex. And he may have the capacity to think about other people besides himself.
