DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I should add that it’s not just teenage children – I don’t think I’m a good fit for a man with children at all. Their ages are pretty much irrelevant because every age presents different challenges.
And also the absolute last thing I want is to have to deal with step parenting and dealing with the childrens’ mother(s). Every single instance I’ve literally ever heard about sounds like a nightmare (including a very good friend who has been married for 20+ years who straight up told me to avoid men with kids) and just Not Worth It to me. My life is very peaceful and I want it to stay that way.
Anyway, I never dated a guy with kids so I’m not going to tell you to do it.
How many dates is it now with the co-worker?
Ah, I see. Yeah, if there’s no momentum and no one’s on a trip to Europe, it probably isn’t going anywhere. I’d say don’t have more than one egg in that basket, and be careful about not having time free for dating!
No need to argue with me about why a dad isn’t a good match for you or that you really, really don’t need a man in your life, and why you absolutely don’t need to make any concessions. I get it. Since you would only want a guy in your life who matches all your values and wants perfectly, it’s great that you are so happy and and busy and fulfilled without a guy.
But why bother in the first place, I guess? It seems like a lot of energy and effort to expend on something you don’t have any time for?
Not trying to argue with you, Wendy. I get what you’re saying and why you’re saying it. I’ve just thought a lot about it and about what I want my life to look like. I do apologize if I came off as antagonistic; I got zero sleep last night and don’t feel like myself at all today.
I absolutely do want a partner but dating and failing to find one for so many years, even when I have switched it up and dated outside my “type” or in spite of my dealbreakers with the same result, has made me more selective, not less. I would 100% make time for the right person (I did last year with my ex – HE just wouldn’t make time for ME).
Longtime lurker popping out from the shadows: TheLadyE, as the daughter of a man who married a woman who REALLY wasn’t ready to be a stepmother, I just have to say thank you for knowing your limits, recognizing that kids come first (and are supposed to), and cheerfully accepting that it may not be the right fit! My stepmother’s reluctance (which became resentment, which became anger and lashing out…) was incredibly painful and permanently damaged my relationship with my dad; frankly, if this guy is a genuinely awesome person, he won’t get serious about anybody who is ultimately less than enthusiastic about his kids.
FWIW, in general (which is to say: not just addressing you), I do totally agree with Wendy that it’s important to let go of the parameters for possible partners that are based on shallower or more surface-level stuff. People and life are both chock-full of surprises. There’s a big difference between trusting your gut on the big stuff and getting hung up on the little stuff. Sounds like you are loving your life right now, which is a great place from which to be starting. Good luck!
TheLadyE, I completely understand what you’re saying about not wanting to date a guy with kids. I wouldn’t either. Perhaps if I was older I’d consider it, but at this time in my life, it’s just a complete no. I wouldn’t be able to handle somebody else’s kids.
In regards to looking outside the box… well funny enough, years ago I read a dating advice book. There was a worksheet exercise in the book that asked me to write down my ideal partner exactly as I imagined him. What does he look like? What does he do for a living? What is his personality like? What are his values?
I made these notes in my phone and then promptly forgot about them. Years later, I found the note while clearing space on my phone. I had been dating my current partner a few months already and I laughed as I read the note because he matched every single thing I had written down. So I suppose sticking to what you want has it’s benefits!
That being said, I did overlook one thing that I thought was a deal breaker. I thought I would never ever ever ever move away from my family or leave my city for anyone. I used to say that I would never ever even move 4 hours away to the big city.
Well… I really liked this guy and wanted to keep getting to know him. With Wendy’s and BGM’s encouragement, I decided to give it a shot and now, as you all know, I am moving to the UK (across a damn ocean) to be with him.
So… sticking to what I really wanted but being willing to overlook one thing for someone I already liked is what worked for me.
MissD – Was this the book (I’ve recommended it a few times here and it’s a workbook that I worked on in he weeks before I met Drew)?
Absolutely, if you know you don’t want kids in your life and/or you feel strongly you don’t want someone else’s kids in your life, don’t date a single parent. But if that’s a dealbreaker that isn’t super fixed in stone — if there’s some wiggle room — like you moving for love, MissD (which I, too, wasn’t super keen on doing myself, but did anyway, and it all worked out), I think it’s always worth stepping outside your comfort zone to see what might work that you might have otherwise said no to.
I can’t remember if that was the book… I THINK I bought that book when you recommended it… I also bought Is He Mr. Right on Kate’s recommendation and I read a lot of stuff by Evan Marc Katz (I was going through a hard time feeling like I would never ever meet anybody who would love me).
Anyway, I’m definitely glad that I didn’t pass on this guy just because he was moving. As much as long distance sucks, it hasn’t even been THAT hard. I think mostly because we just sort of fit together so well and because he made it clear to me that if we were going to do the long distance thing, it had to be with the goal of eventually living together.
