DW Community Catch-up Thread
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For #2, we were at a bar discussing moving in together. I was pretty adamant that if we were sure about that, we should also be pretty sure that we would be getting married etc. Then we started talking about the court house (in chicago) which we decided was too ugly/would be complicated because then there would be people who would feel they SHOULD or HAVE to be invited.. and that morphed into .. San Fran City Hall.. Napa.. Yosemite.. So i woke up one morning three months before the weekend we figured we should get married (based on when we could get off work and when yosemite was available), i booked our wedding..
I wasn’t expecting a proposal since I paid the deposit for city hall, but we did propose the weekend before we moved in together while we were in San Diego. That was unexpected and very nice@kate you never know!
@copa I don’t really believe in living together as an experiment to “see how things go” – I believe in living together because it is our intention to get married and this is the first step toward that. If I wasn’t already certain that this is the person I want to marry, I would not be moving.
That being said, to each their own.
Yeah, I guess I couldn’t do LDR with relatively infrequent visits straight to new country + new living arrangement + engagement/marriage. That’d freak me out. It’s not so much about treating it as a test run — at this point in my life, I wouldn’t unnecessarily entangle myself with someone else unless I knew we were sure about building a future together. For me it’d be more about not changing literally everything about my life at once. I don’t like change, I’m not good at it.
I am, possibly weirdly, super proud of my high school friend. Her marriage lasted not quite five years. They’ve been unhappy the entire time, separated for two years and living in different countries. He’s been calling all the shots their entire marriage. She has refused to be the one to call it over no matter how bad things have gotten (and they’ve been BAD). Recently he said (for the millionth time) he didn’t know if he wanted to be married anymore and had their therapist pass along a message to her that he needed time to think, then went MIA on her in June. No indication of how long he’d need to think. On Monday she FINALLY told him he can’t do this kind of thing to her anymore, and she’s out. And I’m over here like YAAAAS, girl, take control! I can’t even put into words how much I dislike her husband and how much I HATE how he treats her. (And how much I hate that she’s allowed it.)
I’ve never lived with a dude unless we were engaged. So twice I’ve lived with a dude and both times I was engaged first. I likely would have moved in prior if I knew an engagement was imminent. It just worked out lease-wise.
I suppose my thinking was like MissDre’s. But yes, to each their own.
Copa, I’m not so great with change either, but all of this excites me. I think because I know I’m with the right person. We’re a good match and there are no underlying issues worrying me like in past relationships. I’m a worrier by nature but he always makes me feel calm and safe. So yes, lots of change is happening quickly, but I know I’m heading towards something really great!
My mom always told me to live with a partner to try it out. In college I got a house with two friends of mine, one male and one female, and she wanted to know why I was living with a dude who wasn’t my BF. I definitely wasn’t ready to live with my college boyfriend though, and had a great time in that house with those friends.
I’ve been living with my partner, Banjo since February and we now we have a kitten together. I feel very committed to him but also not ready to talk about marriage. He hasn’t brought it up either. Right now neither of us have been very happy with our jobs. I’ve also had a nagging injury for nine months and haven’t been able to do my main hobbies (running/hiking) so I feel kind of unsettled in my daily life. We’re both working hard on getting new jobs now… I’ve been at my job over five years so there are some big changes coming up for me (at least I hope so). I also would like to date probably 3-4 years before marriage. We’re coming up on 2 in November.
Oh man I give ’em alllll a living together test run, but that’s the default over here. Even my super religious friend lived with her husband before getting engaged and he had been in our friend group for years beforehand so he was a pretty known entity. It’s more like you don’t want to move the commitment forward until you know it’s going to be ok living together rather than waiting for the commitment to show you’re ready for moving in. However if I was going to move countries I would DEFINITELY want some indication shit was going to happen so that I 100% get.
To the point of friends getting divorced — when I was in my late 20s, early 30s, I had a handful of friends divorce, too. Maybe 5 couples? They had all married young or quickly. One was a dear friend who married his girlfriend after a year of dating, though on the side he was seeing men. He is now happily married to his husband. I feel bad for his ex-wife because he did not treat her well but I’m also happy that he finally came out and has found peace with himself. He really struggled.
That’s also the timing for when my longterm relationship dissolved, at 30/31. I was with the guy for 8 years and lived together for almost 7. I am so very glad that he and I never married. Disentangling our lives would have been so much harder!
Lived with the college boyfriend but we were young and of course going to be married because everyone knows your first relationship is always the one. Ha.
Never lived with the ex of 10 years, which was a point of contention but I became quite fine with it once I realized his mother comes over whenever she wishes and hides my stuff. I still despise that crazy woman.
After that I wouldn’t have lived with anyone without an engagement. I also just didn’t want to. Frankly I still wish i lived alone sometimes. Sorry hubs. Just miss the quiet and everything being mine and the way I want it.
FMH moved in over Memorial weekend of 2017 after just under a year of a LDR. He was the first person I’ve lived with since college. It was a super hard transition for me personally. He was also trying to find a job, learn the area, get a working car and adjust to life with me.
We were engaged by Thanksgiving. I knew it was coming when it was, but I am glad there was some buffer for me to kind of navigate my feelings and emotions. We’re still adjusting and learning.
@Dre – for a long time people were all “you’re moving so fast!” Then he moved in and it was “When are you getting engaged?” Now that we are it’s “When’s the wedding?” I’ve been recently having to explain to people we won’t be having kids ourselves when they ask that question. Why do people feel it’s their right to know these personal things? No idea
I think I’ll miss living alone if I ever move in with someone again. I lived with a boyfriend for maybe a little over a year when I was pretty young — moved in together at maybe 23/24 and broke up at 25. In hindsight, I think it’s truly laughable that I thought he and I were mature enough for that step. Around when we lived together, we would talk about marriage, and he wanted us to be married with three kids by 30. He had just graduated from law school and was working for his dad making not a ton of money, and I was still in school and living off student loans. His plan was ridiculous. I know some people get married at that age and everything works out just fine, but even in my early 30s I’m already looking at people in their mid-20s and thinking, “You’re basically still an adolescent.” Anyway, aside from temporarily living with my parents after said ex and I broke up, I’ve otherwise lived alone since college and really enjoy it. I like my space and not having to compromise. Moving in with someone actually kinda scares me.
