Hey, Ver, you didn’t ask for advice so forgive me for offering this, but: what if you just didn’t have a relationship with your SIL? Like, what if you mostly ignore her, let your husband be the one to deal with her, use covid as an excuse to avoid her for at least the remainder of the year, be civil when you have to see her at family events in the future, but otherwise have nothing to do with her? You really, really don’t have to have a relationship with all extended family members. It’s perfectly fine to just peace out. Maybe one day you’ll both have kids who will be cousins and that might be an opportunity for deeper engagement – or not! – but until then, I don’t see any reason to have much to do with her. I’d skip her wedding and tell her now – well, let your husband tell her – that you aren’t going to go because you don’t feel at all comfortable committing to a destination wedding when we’re in the middle of a pandemic with no end in sight. let her have her meltdown about your absence now, who cares. you don’t have to see her or deal with it. You seriously have THE PERFECT excuse to simply not see her. Tell your husband to deal with it and just turn it all off in your mind. It doesn’t have to exist. No one is making you deal with her or have a relationship and since having anything to do with her causes stirs up negative feelings, stop. Just stop doing it. Problem solved!

Ok, her living With them makes it harder but what if you don’t always see your in-laws when your husband does? Like, just stay home sometimes when he goes over. When my FIL was still alive, drew would go over and have dinner with him every week, but I only accompanied him maybe at the most once a month and sometimes less than that. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my FIL; we had a good relationship and we’re mutually very fond of each other. But he was drew’s dad, their relationship preceded me by many, many years. They didn’t need me around every time they got together, and I enjoyed having a little time to myself on those nights drew was with his dad. And, as amazing as I am (ha), I’m sure my FIL appreciated having his son to himself sometimes. It was good when I came along, and good when I didn’t. And in your case, maybe it’s not so good when you go along – through no fault of your own – simply bc of the tension between you and the SIL. Also, can you invite them to your place where you can be comfortable and not worry about the SIL? Also, is covid not a concern? Can that not be used as a temporary excuse to avoid so many get-togethers?

Oh, ok, it sounded like you were seeing them and her more often. Since you haven’t seen them much, how do you know about all the drama – the screaming match she had with her parents, how she “keeps saying at least veritek got the wedding she wanted’”? Is it your husband who’s telling you? Tell him to stop. Tell him that the best way to keep peace and keep
You happy is for you to know as little as possible about the crazy shit she does and says. Be on a must-know basis with information about her, meaning you only want info about her that you need in order to make a decision about your own behavior (like when And where her wedding will eventually be). Everything else, including what she says about you, is just gossip and there’s no reason for it to be repeated to you. If she’s not saying it to your face, you don’t want or need to hear it. And if you aren’t heating about her and you aren’t seeing her very much, she doesn’t need to take up so much space in your head. If she IS saying nasty stuff to your face, that’s enough reason to skip the wedding and any event that would put you in her presence.

Yeah, she sounds annoying for sure. Fortunately, it does sound like you don’t have to see her often and your husband doesn’t like her much either. Realistically, maybe you’ll have to deal with her 2-4 times a year in the future. My in-laws live an hour away and that’s really about as often as I see them (and I like them and we get along! And we all have kids who are cousins and love seeing each other, but life is busy, we all have other family to see and spend time with and that’s the way it goes). Drew will occasionally meet his brother halfway for dinner or they’ll go to a ballgame together, but my interaction with my in-laws is infrequent and there’s no reason your interaction with a SIL, whom your husband doesn’t even like and who will eventually not live with her parents anymore, can’t also be infrequent. And there’s no reason you need to hear about her between visits if it bothers you and stresses you out. Your husband should accommodate this request! It will make you happier and, by extension, he’ll be happier you.

I do think most of this should be his responsibility.

Like has he ever taken only her out for a drink and said, “Look, Crazy Sister- Veritek is my wife. I want you to have a good relationship and that means that I need you to treat her with respect. If you can’t be courteous and civil to her, I’m going to feel let down by you. I haven’t told her we’re having this conversation. It’s just between us, but please cut the shit.”???

Agreed he’s not tuning it out if he tells you all the crazy shit she does and mean things she says.

Again, sorry you’re dealing with this.

Honestly, I wouldn’t stress about the vacation logistics. The odds that it’s going to be safe to have this kind of gathering by next April are I think pretty low. I would of course would love to be wrong.