DW Community Catch-up Thread
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lol@ Lianne we actually broke up four months after we first started dating, in large part because of issues surrounding that. When we got back together 4-5 months later, the issue had completely gone away because I had learned how to manage and get rid of that insecurity and he had met me somewhere in the middle as far as communication went.
The early dating phase with someone who really seems to have potential can be tough psychologically, especially if you have a high interest in starting relationship. With the distance everything is occurring in slo-mo which makes it even trickier. I really believe the only way out is to try to maintain one’s independence as much as possible and basically operate from a “if something more comes out of it, that’s great, but if not, it’s OK too” perspective. Basically, do expect that something will go wrong (or just not work out), because that’s the most likely outcome with dating (not the most optimistic perspective, I know! I really see a lot of value in lowered expectations).
(For the record, you seem to have a good thing going with him, it’s not that I see any sign to the contrary.)
Hey everyone! Last night, the Lion Tamer called me and invited me to go to trivia with him at his favorite place downtown. It was a “school night” for me – he doesn’t have a 9-5, but I do – and it was a bit of a hike for me to get there, but I went because he said he was going to be alone and I couldn’t let that happen!
We had fun – the trivia was “adult trivia” and we are two Christians who haven’t even kissed yet so it was a little bit awkward but still fun at the same time. We actually did pretty well at the trivia, haha.
Also, long story short, we had talked about going to the Melting Pot for our next date on Saturday (I have a Groupon that expires next week for it), but it turns out he was really stressed about how much it was going to cost. He originally agreed to it when I suggested it – I have never been there before and didn’t realize how expensive it was, I thought the $50 Groupon would cover most of it – but when I brought it up last night he seemed really uncomfortable. I asked him point-blank if he didn’t want to go and he said he didn’t, and that he had been talking to his friends/family about how he didn’t want to go because of the cost. I was pretty…frustrated. I won’t say I was upset, but I was sad that he spent 3 days talking to other people about how he didn’t want to go because of the $$ but he didn’t tell me that, and I’m not sure he would have if I hadn’t asked.
ANYWAY, we had a longish talk about communication and he definitely recognized that if he had just told me it would have been a lot better. So now we are doing…something…on Saturday, but I’m not sure what yet. He seems really sweet and earnest and he seems to really want to keep seeing me so I guess all is fine. It was just a little awkward, I guess.
Also, last night he had food and 3 beers while I had one $5 beer, and I guess I was totally expecting that he would pay for me since he asked me to go downtown and I went specifically to see him and so he wouldn’t be alone…and then he didn’t. I was hurt by that too, but I didn’t know how to say that after the whole Melting Pot conversation, so I just paid it. $5 isn’t a hill worth dying on, but I was disappointed.
Then again Hippie Artist never paid for a damn thing for me, and Lion Tamer already has, so I shouldn’t complain.
This is pretty promising! We are both, I think, a bit timid and/or a little insecure. I hope we can work on it together and both can learn to communicate a bit more openly. It’s only the 3rd date, after all. 🙂
TheLadyE, it’s not uncommon for people in the early stages of dating to be embarrassed/uncomfortable about finances and not want to admit they might have trouble paying for something. It’s good that you figured it out.
I’d say it’s a little thoughtless not to pay for someone’s beer if they agreed to come meet you out to keep from being alone, and it’s all on the same tab and you had multiple drinks and food and they had ONE DRINK. I certainly would have paid for his in that situation. But maybe things are just really tight.
Well I don’t think it’s the worst thing that he asked other people about it, I mean isn’t that what we’re all doing here?
What does this Lion Tamer do, besides taming lions? If he doesn’t make as much as you do, maybe you’re going to have to take that into consideration. It’s good that you were able to talk about it, it’s a step in the right direction right?
@Nookie, you’re right, it wasn’t that he was talking to other people about it that bothered me…it was that he was upset and uncomfortable and telling everyone else in his life that he didn’t want to go and I had no idea. If that makes sense. There’s a good chance he would have gone anyway if I hadn’t point-blank asked him about it when I saw how uncomfortable he was.
So, he does a couple things for income: he sells insurance (passively, I will add – he basically renews the accounts he’s already sold), and he has a full tutoring schedule where he teaches piano and tutors in math and gives soccer lessons. He works 7 days a week, a couple hours a day between those. He also owns a house and rents out a room.
He calls himself “retired” in that he makes his own schedule and isn’t accountable to anyone for his schedule…whereas I work a 40 hour/week job and have evenings and weekends free. I am absolutely used to out-earning boyfriends: every other relationship I’ve had except as a teenager, I have out-earned the guy. And that’s totally fine with me…I just have to know if he is uncomfortable with something.
It’s also why I get Groupons to try to alleviate the cost of going out, and also possibly to try places we wouldn’t normally because of the cost. He called that a ‘brilliant idea,’ I think it was just too much/too soon for Melting Pot. I’m going to take one of my girlfriends for apps/dessert instead, so it’s fine, I won’t be out the cost of the Groupon.
@Kate Thank you for validating my thoughts. When we went to a bar near my house last weekend, I had 2 drinks and he had one and I didn’t think twice about paying for it all. He also didn’t make move to pay for his drink then. It was just a little disappointing.
Yeah, that doesn’t bother me either, that he asked other people. He was stressed about it and wanted to know the best way to broach it. (FWIW, I concur about The Melting Pot…we had a $50 Groupon the first – and last! – time we went and we STILL had to pay over $50 on top of it. Ridiculous. It’s fondue!)
I would agree with Kate that I think the fact he didn’t pay for your ONE $5 beer to be thoughtless. If he couldn’t afford to do that, he could have only had 2 beers and then treated you. I wouldn’t say this is a deal breaker, and it may not be a big deal to you (though I suspect it’s at least a bit of a deal since you brought it up), but something I would keep my eye on, if it were me.
I don’t know, TheLadyE, if I were you I would consider it a flag. Not sure what color. yellow I guess. Just seems kind of rude. I would never ask someone, a friend or family member, or date, to meet me at an event to keep me company, run up a tab, and then ask them to pay for their one drink.
Yeah, I was definitely a little hurt and thought it was a bit rude…particularly since it’s only our 3rd date and we are not in a relationship with an agreed upon 50/50 split or whatever. And I went specifically to keep him company.
I’m definitely going to keep an eye on it. I know he is saving up for a trip later this month, he may be let go from his insurance selling job, and he is stressed about money. I know all these things. Still, it was $5, and the circumstances surrounding me going last night (I have a day job, he doesn’t, it was definitely not somewhere I would normally go on a Tuesday night) meant it was a sacrifice for me to be there with him. So we’ll see how we go.
It sounds to me like a guy not interested in the 9-5 life but has to make compromises on what he can afford to do to continue. You might find everything is going to be split or with you taking up the slack, which is fine but you need to think if that’s okay with you.
When we were first dating, the Cockney made considerably less than me (and pissed a lot of it away) but we figured that out quickly and planned accordingly. If I wanted to do something more expensive, I’d usually pay for it. Right now I’m getting on top of that credit card debit (halfway there!), so he’s taking care of me a bit more.
But I guess at some point, you’ll have to talk about it. For now, I’d just keep it in my mind that it’s always going to be Dutch with this guy.
