DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Him not paying for a drink after saying the Melting Pot is too expensive would be a turn off to me. Cheapness is not attractive. The Melting Pot does sound overpriced, so I get him finding that out and having an “oh shit” moment. I’m sure he could have just worded it better. But to punctuate a less than ideal conversation by not paying for your one drink is bad form.
One of my coworkers told me about a date where she ended up paying because the guy had BOTH of his cards get declined. And they only had one drink each. Awkward.
I do feel like I want to set a precedent and also to express my disappointment, but I am not sure how to talk about it. He is really sweet and we have a lot of the important stuff in common (values, life goals, interests, etc) so I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot.
Anyone have any suggestions on how I might talk to him about this in a way that will make it clear but not hurt his feelings? He is VERY hard on himself and spoke a lot about how “I’m working on this or that” in relationships, which I think is good…but if this happens again I would like to have a way to talk about it.
(That being said, my last boyfriend paid for our first date but said AT THE TABLE that it was all going to be 50/50 from now on. And he didn’t tip at all which caused us to have many fights. That was a nightmare. From that, though, now I know that it’s important to set expectations or precedents early…but I don’t quite know how.)
I agree with Kate, Lianne, et. al about the drink thing. He should have paid and I would have been a little, or very, annoyed.
Actually, I sometimes gets annoyed with the guy because he picks up most tabs. I try, but he beats me to it. Sometimes he lets me. We talked about it last week when I wanted to pay but he had his card out first. He said he likes paying and since it’s not like I’m expecting him to fund our outings, he’s happy to do so. I’d say right now, we’re probably about 75/25. I prefer more 50/50 or 60/40, but he does make quite a bit more than me. I don’t know that for a fact… odds are good that’s the case.
I don’t have any good ideas in this case, I just wanted to chime in and say it’s really awkward/thoughtless to have made you pay for your one drink, when you drove to meet him to keep him company. I agree, it’s gotta be at least a yellow flag.
The next time you are out, see what happens. I think there is a difference between being cognizant of your budget and trying to save, versus inviting someone out and being cheap about it. I think we can all agree five dollars is not a huge extravagance. How did he handle that? Did he ask for separate checks or just ask you to pay?
I haven’t been to the melting pot, but it is kind of strange that he’s having this reaction to money, a few dates in, especially when you have a groupon already…
I have never been out with anyone, friend, family or business who didn’t tip. I would leave it myself and probably never see them again.
When the waitress came over and asked if the checks were together or separate, he said “separate.” One of the 3 types of beer he got was one that was in a bottle (think a small champagne sized bottle) and he shared it with me – like asked for a 2nd glass so I could have some, so technically I had 1.5 drinks – a beer and then some of his – and she asked if he wanted to split that beer onto my check and he said oh no, of course not, he would never expect me to pay for that.
So…hmm.
I do know he does tip. I guess we’ll see what happens next time.
I just realized I’ve been posting with an I in front of my username…whoops. I’m on mobile, and sometimes my browser has a mind of its own.
That’s weird he said separate then further clarified that a drink you split should just be on his. I could understand if he said “separate” on impulse without thinking about it, but then to clarify like that is odd.
It wouldn’t be a deal breaker or anything, but I would definitely keep an eye on it. $5 should not make or break you. (And if it does, you should invite your date to a more budget friendly setting).
LadyE – definitely a red flag that he did;t cover your $5 beer (while buying three for himself, plus food, and after you trekked out a ways to see him). Also a red flag: three dates and no kiss yet. I don’t know about this one…
By three dates, I’d be up to over the shirt action versus over the table action…but I may be a little more “fast” than others 😉
LadyE you are way too concerned with hurting people’s feelings. What about your feelings?? You need to read the book “Why Men Love Bitches”. Not because being an actual bitch is good, but because being honest with your feelings and demanding what you need from men is GOOD.
I dunno, I personally would probably find it to be a bit of a yellow flag if someone was dead broke and uncommunicative from the start- but I’m a little older so I’d expect men I date to be more established. Plus maybe I’m more shallow. I can tell you from experience that you don’t need a ton of money to be happy, but actively struggling is no fun at all, and if that’s your partner it’s going to be a big part of your life.
I just read more and see he hasn’t kissed you yet either. Maybe this is unfair, but just from what you’ve written I’m getting another dramatic, life is not quite together, not-that-into-you vibe from this guy as well. I hope I’m wrong!
Honestly the beginnings should be fun and easy, and it should be obvious he’s into you. I understand a little bit of watching the finances, especially if you’re young or a student, but that should be made up for in EFFORT. ie: cooking dinner for you, taking you to the beach etc. If this guy can afford three beers and dinner out he isn’t that hard up.
@LadyE Agree with everyone else that not paying for a single drink when the only reason you were there was so he wouldn’t be there alone is a flag (and not at least offering to pay the time that you picked up the check is another one). Not necessarily a dealbreaker, but enough that it would give me pause.
I’ve decided to just stop dating for awhile. I haven’t been fully single in a decade, and I am *really* enjoying being able to binge on alone time and not have to entertain anyone else for awhile. I had gone out on a couple of dates after the breakup, and I liked both of them. When I decided to take a break, I sent each a text letting them know that I was going through something rough and wasn’t going to be making any plans with romantic intent for awhile, and I wasn’t sure how long. The response from one: “Do what you need to do. I can be patient for good things. Get back in touch with me when you’re ready.” The response from the other… I won’t go into it, but it was a 15 minute text interrogation about why I felt the need to do that, had something happened? Anything else? Was it something specific? Was I sure he couldn’t change my mind?
Not sure I’m going to call that guy again when I’m ready to date. It was exhausting.
