DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Did you ask him whether he’s generally looking for a serious relationship or did you ask him specifically if he sees the thing you have going on moving towards that? It kind of sounds like you meant the former but he understood the latter.
If he’s not sure he wants a relationship in general that’s a pretty big problem. I don’t think it’s worth dating someone with that mindset if you’re sure you want a relationship. If he generally wants a relationship but isn’t there yet after a few dates, that sounds completely fine.
@saslinna I basically said “I’ve never asked what you were looking for. Were you wanting something casual/serious/etc?” And his response was something like “All I know is that I like you and I like talking to you because you’re funny and interesting.”
Honestly it seemed like a non answer or he just doesn’t know what he wants. He had mentioned previously that he wasn’t completely sure about marriage and kids (I really don’t know if I want that,) and I try to take that at face value – he doesn’t know. Though some think that means no. And it might. And I might be naive, in denial, etc.
I did not come right out and say – where do you see this going with us? That felt like a little too much.
Maybe before you try and answer that try and figure out where you see the relationship going? Not in a fairy tale way but in a pragmatic way. How long do you see yourself being happy being long distance, would you be willing to move if it came to that, think more about marriage and kids and decide for yourself whether it’s with him or someone else if you want those things.
I have to wonder if in the back of his head the distance and potentials for the future are also causing him not to be able to give a firm answer. Eventually though, you will have to come out and ask him where he sees this going. Your relationship is going to take more planning and effort than if you were dating someone 30 minutes away and could not worry with how long will the ldr portion be, is one of us going to move, etc.
And I know you didn’t ask for advice, just as an outside perspective looking it I could see that sort of putting an extra level of uncertainty in to his answers. And in to what I was thinking/feeling if I was in your shoes.
I basically think that if a guy is really interested in you, he’ll say that he’s generally looking for a relationship (even if it’s too early to talk about it more specifically) – just to keep your interest. An interested guy typically doesn’t say “I might just be looking for something casual at the moment”.
I don’t think you needed to ask “where do you see this going with us” at all, just that he might mistakenly have taken it that way, because in his answer he’s talking about how he feels about your interactions specifically, not about his general interest in a relationship vs just casual dating.
Sorry if I’m unclear. My point is: Only date someone who says he’s looking for a relationship, if you are looking for a relationship. It doesn’t mean that you get into a relationship immediately, just that your dating is interpreted as being on that track, and that if things go well, a relationship will start at some point.
thanks SasLinna, I do appreciate the advice anyway 🙂 Basically i have a time table in my head. If things don’t pick up a bit more after football season/marching season is over – It’s gonna be time to ask where this is going. Like, if we aren’t seeing each other more regularly by Christmas time, I think it might be time to move on. It’s just hard. I get attached quickly and already the thought of “breaking up” with him makes me sad. I like talking to him everyday and i really enjoy spending weekends with him. But I do know I want a relationship soon. And yes, I think the distance plays into all of it.
I think that sounds like a good plan! I’m personally of the opinion that it’s OK to be fairly methodical about dating. Getting attached and then having to break up is a real bitch, so it makes a lot of a sense to weed out all the guys who are not clearly looking for a relationship pretty much immediately. I would start to bring up this question on the first or second date. “Do you see yourself starting a serious relationship soon”, or something of that sort. I see it as the brain protecting the heart, so that the latter only gets invested when it’s worth it.
I agree with Sas here. I believe Kate put that out there (that she was looking for a relationship) on her actual dating profile when she was still dating to weed out even the guys who would contact her – Kate is that right?
Veritek–to address the lube question (ha) I’m not sure that’s what he was getting at. It definitely could have been prompted by the lube (in the way that perhaps he was trying to figure out if you were hooking up with other people, because even if guys know you’re not exclusive they’re usually insanely curious about this but afraid to bring up the conversation), or it could have been that he was curious about future adult fun time and asking about a vibrator to see if you’d want to use it or if you like toys in general etc. I guess I’m saying there could be several reasons it came up and it could have nothing to do with wondering why a grown woman would have lube or trying to make you feel weird about that (I feel like most women do, even if it’s just hanging around there for a while, y’know? lol 🙂
@veritek33 – re: Bitmoji keyboard, I didn’t install it on my phone because you had to agree to let the app have complete access to your keyboard information, so I declined it. I just go to the Bitmoji app on my phone, find one and send it from the app directly.
As to Tinder Teacher not knowing or being unclear as to what he wants, that’s fine, he may not know exactly. But YOU need to make it clear to him what YOU want. I’ve come across this issue with friends/co-workers/family and they’re always afraid of letting the guy know what they want for fear of scaring the guy off. But if the guy eventually fesses up and says he doesn’t want marriage & kids (and you do) then won’t the relationship end anyway? If you’re honest and clear with him from the start then it’ll be up to him to make himself clear earlier rather than later.
Lion Tamer just called & invited me to dinner at his house tonight! He is cooking. 🙂 Good thing I put on a cute outfit today!
Oooh, have fun, TheLadyE!
Also, not dating but relationship related and perhaps TMI:
Since I’ve gone on anti-depressants everything in my life has gotten better…except my love life. I have a much lower libido now and when we have sex I have a hard time finishing. I’ve been with my bf for fourteen years, we’ve always maintained a healthy and active love life and are still very much attracted to each other. But now the dynamic is just different. So I bought a new toy, thinking maybe that extra stimulation would help. Well, we tried it yesterday, but he was so lacklustre about using it! He tried to be game, but I could tell he wasn’t into it and…meh, I felt so frustrated.
Sorry, I just had to whine a little. 🙁
