Thank you everyone for your support! I’m glad we were able to talk about it, too. When he was texting me that he was scared I legit thought I would never hear from him again despite how interested he seemed before, but then he called. 🙂

I asked him things like “Are you not attracted to me?” or “Are you not over your ex? Are you not ready to date someone else?” and he said he was definitely attracted to me and felt nothing for or about his ex anymore. He said he decided to date again because he felt like he was absolutely ready.

His ex-fiancee was really awful to him so I understand him being scared initially, but I’m pretty proud of myself for saying something instead of waiting forever and feeling bad about myself, heh. He was the one who asked me to go hiking and said he really likes me.

The other thing that I haven’t shared is that he had to have jaw surgery when he was in his early 20s and it damaged some nerves in his mouth…and since then he hasn’t been able to feel his lips or the area around his mouth about where a goatee would be. As in, he will bite the inside of his mouth and not feel it until he tastes the blood (at least he can feel/taste things with his tongue), and he can’t feel when there is food on his face so he’s super self-conscious about it. He didn’t start dating until he was 25 so that means he has never actually felt a kiss…ever…not in the way we do who can feel our mouths. 🙁 He told me all this on our 2nd date. Last night I said “I assumed you were telling me that so I would know when the time comes…” and he said I was right. It’s never stopped him in the past, he said.

My assumption is he is planning on kissing me on our hike. I will not kiss him first…especially in light of this conversation! But I’ve put my needs out there so he knows. That’s good I think.

And also I told him exactly that, @Regina Chapman – that there’s no way we could determine if we would be compatible fully unless we kiss and are physically affectionate. He agreed with that too.

@mucha, I’m sorry you’re feeling neglected. 🙁 At least you know it will hopefully pass soon…right? It’s just temporary?

@ktfran – Good for you for communicating! It is really scary. I think it’s good you were able to share and have an open dialogue with him. 🙂

@MissDre That’s awesome! Congrats! (As long as you are actually interested & want to go!) That’s usually how it happens. 🙂

@TheLadyE- I know I’m randomly jumping into this thread to say I had the same surgery Lion Tamer has and had some residual nerve damage, which means I can get a cavity filled with no anesthetic because I don’t feel much and walk around with lunch on my face without knowing it. However, that doesn’t really have any effect on kissing my husband. The feeling itself is a bit different, but kissing is a lot about emotions and feelings and I still enjoy it. So, I will say as someone that has gone through it, that he’s overthinking this a bit much, maybe because he didn’t have any kissing experience before the surgery. Hopefully the date and kiss go wonderfully! Good luck!

Mucha I can soooooooo relate. The Dude is involved in a huge writing project – an 8 episode TV series – and on top of that he’s wrapping up work for his freelance job (which he quit because he can’t do both).

He has worked really hard for this and I couldn’t be more proud. Before he started, we talked about what this would mean for us and if I was okay with it (he was scared about quitting the steadier job) and I said I support him all the way and would make my needs secondary to his for the duration of the process (4 months).

In spite of all that, we’ve been in three HUGE fights in the first month. Basically I’d ask him to do something, he said okay even though he meant no, he wouldn’t do it, I called him on it, and he would blow up. And I’d end up feeling needy, and he’d end up feeling guilty.

So I told him I expected him to be an adult and just tell me if he couldn’t do stuff. He said ‘I understand, this is a shortcoming on my end right now, but I’m so stressed I can’t clearly tell you no (something he’s always had a problem with).’
On my end, I realized I was being kind of childish, too, because I said I’d let things slide but I didn’t let them slide.

So we talked it out and made some decisions that work for both of us:
– date night once a week (he doesn’t even get weekends right now)
– we’ve hired help for house cleaning
– I won’t ask him for stuff that I can reasonably predict will stress him out
– I made the commitment to support him through those months, so I’ll truly let stuff go, not just say I will.

Up to now it’s been working!

I think you guys need to have a similar conversation and figure out where what both of you need meets the minimum of what the other can contribute at this point. And then make a solid plan and stick to it.

I will add, this only works in a fairly balanced relationship. He’s had my back more times than I can count, so that makes it a lot easier.

Hope this helps!

@ktfran: Congrats for bringing up that you were disappointed! Being able to work through (even small) issues is huge. Sounds like he reacted in a pretty good way, too.