DW Community Catch-up Thread
- This topic has 11,820 replies, 97 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I have earplugs from the hotel. I knew my sister snored but it’s been ages since we’ve shared a room, I had no idea it was so bad. I actually considered taking the bedding into the bathroom and sleeping on the floor at on point, which I know sounds stupid dramatic. We’re out of the country atm so I’m not sure I’ll be able to find Mack’s but will keep that in mind for the future. I’ll download a white noise app for the rest of our trip just in case. Thanks for the rec! All I could think about last night as I was lying awake was that I never encountered awful snoring in dating and what would I have done if I had!? I’m not a great sleeper to begin with.
Hope everyone’s well. I’d appreciate your thoughts because I’ve been invited to a family reunion and it’s totally thrown me because the other guests will include my estranged aunt and cousin. And I have no idea how best to handle the reunion.
Why we’re estranged: I left my abusive ex-husband several years ago. Some of my friends and family had seen my husband’s behaviour first-hand, so were very supportive. I was expecting the same from my aunt and cousin, but instead they declared that they felt sorry for him because “he seems so sad”. I tried to tell them about the abuse I’d endured over the years, but my cousin told me that “I can’t believe X would do that, he’s always been very nice to me.”
In the meantime, my ex continued to threaten me and make my life as difficult as possible by dragging out the divorce and withholding child maintenance payments etc. But much worse, as our kids got older, he became controlling and abusive with them too (I won’t go onto more details but just to say that the courts were involved, and for their own safety the kids now haven’t seen their dad for a few years. It was obviously an awful time for them but they’re doing really well now).
It was really difficult seeing my aunt and cousin take my ex’s side through all of this – my cousin even used to go away regularly with him – and so I cut all ties with them a few years back.
And now I’m going to see them at a reunion soon.
So the thing is, I’m autistic. I often feel quite awkward in social situations, and the thought of arguments is really stressful for me. I want to go to the reunion to see my other cousins, I don’t want to miss it because I’m avoiding my aunt and cousin. But I’m also not sure I’m capable of smiling and making nice with them and pretending that everything is fine. But neither do I want to cause an atmosphere at the reunion or get into an argument.
I keep stressing myself out by imagining how the conversation with my aunt and cousin might go. It’s exhausting! And I just don’t know how one is supposed to act in a situation like this. I would appreciate some thoughts on how best to handle it. Thanks.Just ignore them! They owe you an apology. Maybe let some cousins or other family that you are extra close to let know how you are feeling so they can possibly keep an eye out and swoop in and help you if you’re feeling weird or feeling tension building.
I’m so sorry they didn’t support you when you needed them. That’s terrible.
Perimenopause is the worst! I started going through it at 38 and then I developed subclinical hypothyroidism which made getting a diagnosis even harder. It took almost 10 years to find a Dr. who was willing to listen to me and figure out the problem.
I’d like to offer a word of caution that I learned from my experience. Taking just estrogen can actually lead to estrogen or estradiol dominance (unopposed estrogen) and create even more problems. Your body actually needs a specific ratio of estrogen to progesterone to testosterone to function properly and women can test in the “normal” ranges and still have symptoms because what’s right for one person may not necessarily be right for another. I can’t remember what the numbers are right now and all of my googling is only coming up with stuff about male hormones (of course). Anyway, I think I originally learned about it from a book – What Your Dr. Won’t Tell You About Menopause. Long story short, read up on the subject and talk to your Dr. about adding testosterone or progesterone to your therapy. In addition taking straight estrogen without progesterone or testosterone can lead to uterine cancer and heart disease. Here are a couple of links one from the National Institutes of Health and one with a chart showing the hormone ratios. There is another page on the second website under Female Hormones that talks about progesterone. Basically, don’t forget your other hormone levels are changing too. It’s no exaggeration to say that testosterone saved my life and sanity.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7039145/
https://www.georgiahormones.com/normal-hormone-proportions.html
@Daisy – you have to acknowledge their presence otherwise you could be perceived as “bringing drama”. That said come up with a few oblique phrases that you feel appropriately find the balance between disdain and pity (Pity that their heads are so far up their asses it’s difficult to see things right in front of them). Also, I’m not autistic and awkward situations are awkward. You can prepare. Find phrases and most importantly, practice saying them out loud before the event. Make them comfortable in your mouth. It sounds crazy, but it helps you not stumble over the words. And you can hear when it sounds “rambly” and too long winded.
Phrases like:
“Yes, I see that you made it here safely.”
“Cousin, still alive and kicking. How nice.”When they come up – if the first thing isn’t an apology then just politely excuse yourself. Get more soda. Look for your “missing” kid. Go to the bathroom.
And if you really want to throw it in their faces:
“I am so glad that the children and I could be here, given all that has happened, just being alive and healthy feels like a miracle each day.”
“It is good to see family, especially those who have supported me in the most difficult times. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find <person> and hug them and tell them how much I’ve missed them.”And if worse comes to worst:
“If you want to read the court transcripts they may be publicly available as the police and courts had to step in to protect us.”Good luck.
Thanks LisforLeslie, that is truly useful! My brain often cycles on potential encounters like this, trying to prepare what I could say, as a form of self-defence. Having some solid options is so helpful. (And, short options!! My brain keeps coming up with these 20-minute speeches… No-one needs that.) Thanks again!
I haven’t been much of a foundation person in years but did recently feel compelled to try Haus Labs foundation and it is excellent, even on my dry skin.
I did House of Color! You can find stylists by zip code.
Last week I went to an all-day event for work, which is why I was on the hunt for a long-lasting foundation in the first place. I ran into a guy from grad school who was my then-boyfriend’s close friend at the time (unsure if they’ve kept in touch), and also happens to be friends with a different guy we all went to school with who, when I moved here, slid into my DMs and has been talking to himself in there since probably 2016. I left FB a few years ago, but the messenger function is separate, so I still have that. He consistently reached out every six or so months despite never receiving a response. The last message I received on FB was maybe last spring that said “I’m watching a video that you’re in right now.” Creepy!? So I temporarily reactivated my FB account just to delete this guy from my friend list and block him from being able to contact me. Within a couple weeks I had a LinkedIn request from him. Anyway, the mutual friend I ran into last week was always very kind, but I was still kinda anxious when I recognized him during a presentation. We hadn’t seen each other in probably a decade and I don’t know what he’s heard about me over the years from my ex and the random guy. We caught up after the event and I worried over nothing. He’s still a nice guy and it was good to catch up a bit.
ETA: Maybe I’m totally conceited thinking this guy from grad school has heard anything about me. LOL. But my ex cheated on me and proceeded to be gossipy about our breakup after. Like, to the point that I saw a friend of his post to his FB wall making fun of me by quoting something I’d said to him during our breakup followed by a “BAHAHAHA,” and a friend forwarded me an unprompted email he’d sent her trying to explain his side of things. I do not miss FB. Or the elements of grad school that made it feel a lot more like middle school…
Ok. Need some quick work advice. I’m headed to Austin next week for some meetings on a major pursuit. There’s a golf tournament Monday, but I was going Monday and will be there after for meetings.
One of our partners is looking for a 4th golfer. They guy leading this pursuit asked if I’d be able to come in early and play. It would be a good chance to mingle and meet the client. HOWEVER:
1. I don’t golf. My long drive is about two feet. I can put. But that’s about it.
2. I’d be on a team with people I don’t know.
3. I’d have to move my travel plans to Sunday. There’s no late afternoon direct flights. I’d have to leave at either 1:00 pm or 8:00 pm. I’m already overwhelmed w/ how much I have going and Sunday was going to be a cleaning day / Xmas decorating.
4. They don’t have clubs you can rent, but it’s a first come first serve on 15 sets.
5. Last time I tried golfing, it was 2015 and I ended up just sitting in the golf cart and putting. And it was with people I knew.I don’t want to feel like I’m not a team player / it’s a good opportunity. But I really don’t want to. So what would you do in this situation?
