DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@Kate There is an important reason he wants to take it slowly…I can’t be more detailed but it’s something he shared with me that is a legit reason that I need to respect if I want to try things with him, because pushing him would not be right or fair to him. He said he appreciated me calling him out on it and he wanted to work out himself why he was so scared. When he told me why it made total sense and it’s something that I can accept.
Also, he did give me the expectation of a week – like when he gets back from his trip.
Something a few people said earlier I think rings true as well – I am more focused on emotional intimacy at first and allow physical intimacy to follow after that. I usually have the expectation (or have had the experience) that kissing, at least, comes after a handful of dates (3ish, sometimes a few more) so once we got to more than 3, I wanted to make sure we were on the same page – as in, that he is attracted to me, likes me, and that we are heading in the same direction (a dating relationship) rather than just friends, if that makes sense.
After our very deep conversation this weekend, we are now absolutely on the same page. To be honest, it’s not a bunch of excuses, it’s one very good reason that I can accept because I see a lot of potential with him.
I also want to add…it really is not that he is dumping a bunch of stuff on me and I’m expected to deal with it. At least, I don’t see it that way; he’s not making me responsible for his issues. I’ve been so impressed that he seems to be very mature in taking responsibility for his own stuff and not blaming others or not dealing with things.
Our dates are usually 6+ hours at a time and during that time we are talking and sharing the whole time. I have shared plenty about myself as well and opened up to him. Maybe it’s the more emotional vs physical intimacy thing that’s not coming across well in my stories, but that’s really what it is because (apart from Hippie Artist, which I knew wasn’t going anywhere) I am looking for a deep emotional connection/partnership which will lead to a relationship that has the definite potential to lead to marriage. I hope that makes sense.
Well, no, it doesn’t make sense to me at all. I understand respecting his confidentiality though.
I’m glad you have a timeframe in your head. It’s your love life and, again, I realize you’re going to see this through no matter what, and I really do hope that it works out.
Thank you. 🙂 I know it seems strange and I wish I could explain it better, but I really appreciate everyone giving me the benefit of the doubt.
It’s been really nice to read all these updates!
ktfran, you had me laughing out loud with the ‘I call him my boyfriend…in extreme cases’.
MissDre, I think you should go with your gut. And I don’t just mean on the subject of how (not) attracted you are to this guy, but also on whether or not you’re ‘obsessing’ over this, feel like you honestly want and need to challenge yourself, or you’re okay just letting an uninteresting date go. You know what’s best for you! Your own standard is right there within yourself. Don’t listen to us. 🙂
And TheLadyE, I like that you feel that kind of a connection with Lion Tamer! I hope it works out. I have to say, I do see a bit of a pattern there as well.
When I was around 17-19, I had a long-term boyfriend that I – in hindsight – wasn’t very moved by sexually. I’m pretty vanilla, but I do need to feel physically passionate about my someone, and our connection on that level was just too tame.
So around those years, I had all these intense, platonic friendships with ‘broken’ guys. Cue sleepless nights with heartfelt confessions, walks under the moonlight, cuddling, them telling me I was gorgeous, ‘an angel’, they’d never met anyone like me, we had such a deep connection, etc etc.In hindsight, these friendships were a back door to getting what I so craved – a perfect connection – without me having to step up and be vulnerable (and break up with my bf/acknowledge my sexual needs). It also gave me all the validation I needed: I was the perfect woman for these guys! I listened to all their sad stories, shared private jokes, exhilirated in all the endorphins, without ever having to put myself on the line. Because it was safe: it was *just* friendship.
Once I met The Dude, there was this incredible click of ‘wow, he can be a man to me, a partner, in every sense of the word’. I’ve never had those kinds of friendships since.
If I look back, I was kind of afraid of sex because it held a risk of losing control and being, literally and figuratively, naked. From the outside I was pretty brass, but I never really made *contact* on a sexual level. So I kind of directed these energies into other venues.Sorry for the essay. I’m not saying that this is exactly what you’re doing, but there’s something in there that reminded me very much of me back then. So I had to share; please take or leave at your discretion.
Last but not least a small update about me: remember when I whined about the vibrator I bought and The Dude wasn’t into it because he was afraid of hurting me? Well – last week we tried it a couple of times with me ‘behind the wheel’ and him as ‘assistant driver’, shall we say…annnnd we have lift-off. 😉 Yay!!
@ktfran may I call him your boyfriend? BOY FRIEND BOY FRIEND BOY FRIEND! Sorry, I just had to 🙂
@Regina oh wow I’m glad that a little mechanical help is working out for you! That’s awesome.I have zero advice for anyone today, just wanted to share that last night when my mom did one of her semi regular crazy calls (i’m always doing something that doesn’t make her happy) I talked to Tinder Teacher (or Q as ktfran likes to call him) and he told me every joke he could think of to make me feel better. And we shared a glass of wine via phone. It sucks him being 2.5 hours away, but even so, he’s better at making me feel good than many of the men I’ve dated. So there’s that 🙂
I have to say, ver, in spite of that last post about him not knowing where this is going and all that, it does sound like he is very good to you:).
Ugh. He is. He told me Friday he was crazy about me. PUKE! But I like it.
Regina… congrats. YAY! I heart sex.
Ver… that’s really super sweet. I can’t wait until you see him in less than two weeks!
I’ve lost my v-card to my ex husband, at 22. So I wasn’t really sexual beforehand, and during relationship/marriage, it was good, and I learned a lot about sex and myself, etc. But it wasn’t till after I left him, that I met my FWB, that I REALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY came to LOVE sex. FWB was exactly what I needed at the time. It was just hot, long nights, fun talks, and he got me through a few bumps.
Now I have my guy (who I’ll call SkyGuy for the DW thread), and it went up another level. Of course, I had to call it off with FWB, but that was alright. It’s not as crazy single sex I had, but it’s on a whole different level. We’ve also introduced another aspect to our fun recently…sometimes the more the merrier.
I know we’re all analyzing dates and such, but sometimes it’s not too bad to just go with the flow, throw yourself in, and have fun. Though it is important to know when or if you have to pull out.
I have been following you post for a month.
From a male point of view I don’t feel he is into you or he really likes you. You need to come to move on and quickly.
Really Band over you, what is this American Pie?
@lianne – you’re right – I told the Italian today I was going to leave it as we didn’t seem to be looking for the same thing, and as the Academic is a true introvert, he hasn’t reached out again after my non-committal response to his suggestion to doing it again.
Leaving okc for a while to concentrate on work and real life meets (hello halloween!) after a spate of yucky messages.
Flexing my assertive muscles feels good 🙂 I’m usually compelled to just carry on ..
