I think this was the little kick in the butt I needed to reevaluate things, so thank you all.

I can’t really disagree with anything anyone said, I think it was all valid points or accurate summaries.

As far as having a sip and see I didn’t even know that was a thing? I’ve only been to baby showers / that’s what was showing up online for me as well! So…I didn’t avoid that option, I didn’t know it existed. Which I wish I had posted something here back when all of this was beginning!

As far as not having friends able to plan the baby shower, one of my closest friends is dealing with her dad dying and another is dealing with a move and a new job, etc, so I felt like I’d be selfish to ask them to throw me a party when they have so much going on in their own lives.

Again, I think everyone’s comments were needed right now for a good reevaluation of my lack of boundaries and how I’m going to enforce boundaries in the future. I already know she’ll want to do her best to take over raising my child, my dad has also mentioned that would happen, and my partner is like ugh we’re going to have to avoid that because he also can foresee that happening. I have it in my head that “no that won’t happen, I won’t let it, I’ll have boundaries”, but if I haven’t even been able to have boundaries with something as stupid and trivial as this how am I actually going to have boundaries and enforce them? I have to really figure that out and work on it.

Also one of you mentioned me using this little thing as a way of avoiding bigger issues, and yeah, nail on head. It’s a little outlet for me to be upset about without having to think about the bigger things.

I would really encourage you to talk to your therapist and ask for help with boundaries ASAP. This is really a drop in the bucket compared to what you’re going to have on your hands after a baby comes, you’re exhausted and you’re mother is being demonic in the side. Trust me, it’s worse with a baby in your arms while you’re literally or figuratively screaming at your mother that you have an actual infant and she needs a new hobby. She is so emboldened by you all, your dad has warned you and apparently just enables her to behave this way, and has raised you to as well. This is a big deal. How close does she live to you?

I would be firm about the party. Give her the list of people, with people you worked with at an old jobs not on the list. It should be recent friends and coworkers and not fifty thousand Sharon’s around, because to me when you start inviting people you haven’t seen in 3+years (other than family) it does seem like a gift grab?

Take control back. Maybe think about what you envision your future life with your husband and baby to be like, talk about it with him. Get a vision in your mind of the kind of involvement you want from her. Write it down. Then, read it a few times and edit it and make the language calm, no abrasive or accusatory digs and tell her what you need. What you need is the space to grow as a mother and a wife in a new marriage and you really envision this happening…… hopefully you have the kind of relationship where you can ease her into something more healthy. Glad you have a therapist to help you work through it.

Make sure you and your husband are on the same page about the situation and most of the parenting stuff. It’s amazing to me that he and your dad are like, wow mom’s gonna be off the hook, and you’re like “yes, she is.” You are not seeing the red flags everyone else is.

Yeah, I’ll definitely be going over boundaries again with my therapist at the next appointment (thank you all for being my in-between unprofessional but useful therapy!). Note the word “again”, as it’s been a huge process for me over the past few years (I’m 25 now) trying to break free, gain independence, be my own person, etc. She lives 15 minutes away and that won’t be changing for the next year or two, my partner and I will be moving eventually but won’t initially due to the housing market being insane and figuring out what a baby is like financially as opposed to what we just assume / budget.

Also I do see it as a red flag with her, I just keep thinking to myself “I won’t let her do that, I’ll have boundaries and enforce them and she won’t be able to get her hooks into my child”. Good thoughts to have, but I clearly need to work on the application of boundaries before having this baby. Because I can have the right thoughts all I want but if I can’t have boundaries over a baby shower how do I see myself actually enforcing boundaries when I’m stressed out as a new mother with barely any sleep? It’s like I think I’ll go through labor and then suddenly I’ll magically have boundaries or something. Not really the reality, is it.

And I like the idea of writing everything down!

@Anonymousse – your advice is mostly spot on. But when trying to set boundaries – do you think inviting Sharon sends the right message here? If I were Mom I’d just take it as a given that I’ll get my way, because I always do and it just reinforces that all I have to do is pester her until she caves.

Actually, depending on how far the planning has gotten, and whether there have been any invites sent, I wonder if the LW could just call off the whole thing.

I don’t think it sounds like you have broken free of your mother, have much independence or are your own person yet if this is a huge issue that’s still floating over you. I don’t see how it’s been addressed. If you thought moving out was addressing it…clearly that hasn’t worked. Your mother will do this for as long as you allow her to. I am actually feeling really sad that in what should be a really exciting time, preparing for the birth of your first baby- you’ll instead be having emotional discussions with your mother and learning how to enforce boundaries. I want you to imagine the rest of your life like this. Stop this shit now and have some actual freedom in your life. Your mother is an adult woman and can throw tantrums but I assure you, she can get over it, too. You need space to become the best new mother and wife and woman you can be without her bearing down on you. I truly wish you the best of luck.