BF's Neighborhood – NOT PC
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I’ve been in my state since childhood and my BF officially settled here after he and I finished college in the state. He’s generally pretty street smart (though sometimes not as cautious as I would think he should be in the neighborhood) and he is a big, muscly looking guy.
But to be honest and not PC: He and his roommates are young white males living in a newly gentrified neighborhood with tensions running high between the whites and minorities. It’s very unfortunate but that is the essential core of his situation.
He and his roomies like to go out on weekends, stay out till the bars close, get drunk the way college guys do, and often like to walk back from the bar through pretty rough streets – it goes through a community college with many young people with chips on their shoulders. This is often a 15-20 minute walk back, and is no joke when you are drunk. The streets are dark, and the metro is close which means high potential for criminals and easy escape.
I often ask him to text me when he gets home, and he does, but I am beginning to feel like his mom and I don’t want to feel that way. He seems to be pretty careless when it comes to his own safety on nights when they go out and I really worry. He doesn’t know what that neighborhood was like before ‘gentrification’ and he doesn’t seem to understand that tensions are still high. Lots of shootings happen around his neighborhood and they have been occurring more frequently lately.
He even walked back alone once at 3 am from the bar which I got really upset about! Really, you can’t take Uber just to ensure your safety?
What can I do? I truly worry about him and his lack of awareness but I don’t want to nag him and feel like his mom.
For the record, I am a minority living in a more affluent side of town and whenever I tell him about some safety issues I wish he would be more alert to, he thinks I am just being ‘snobby’ He says this in a jokey way but I know he really does think I am being overly cautious. But we went to college near his neighborhood and a lot of people in our school have experienced armed robberies and shootings. It’s no joke that this neighborhood is rough and I just wish he would take more precautions. He has never lived in a city before and I don’t think he is aware of these extra things. It’s like he is careless with safety overall…he doesn’t even look out for cars when he opens his car door and his car almost got hit by an incoming car (we were parallel parked)!
I know I sound really naggy and anal but this situation often has me on edge. They often don’t even lock their front door, which is definitely not OK. I’m often the one going downstairs and making sure the door is locked..which they like to leave open because one of their roommates is forgetful of their key (to which I say: Shouldn’t be anyone else’s problem, time for them to be responsible!)
For the record, I often tell him about these shootings happening around him and it is often the first time he is hearing about it.
Please help, I’m sorry if this upsets anyone or if people think I’m being ‘racist’, I am not, but the race issue is definitely an issue in his neighborhood. It’s unfortunate but my BF and his roommates being whites really do make them stand out in the neighborhood. I wish it weren’t this way and that race weren’t a factor, but it is a fact. They even had issues in their last home because of some racial tensions there left behind by the owner of the house they were renting.
Oooh, girl, no. I’m going to ignore the whole minority thing and just pretend you said it was a bad neighborhood. I understand your concern, and I’d absolutely be making sure the door was locked when I slept over. But beyond that, you’re not his mom, you’ve told him how you feel and expressed your concerns, and anything beyond asking him to please lock the door when you’re there is definitely nagging.
I don’t think you’re being racist, but I’m really not sure what to tell you. You’ve made your concerns clear to him, on several occasions, and that’s about all you can do.
He’s an adult. No matter if you feel he’s being naive or clueless, it’s his life to live, and it’s not your place to micromanage how he opens his car doors or how he and his friends get home from a night out. You just can’t.
All I can say is, if you treat him like a child, you’re going to drive him away.
Or, if you treat him like a child, you’re going to be in a mommy-child relationship dynamic, which I wouldn’t wish on my shittiest frenemy.
Okay – let’s just take everything at face value (I’m by about to wade into your comments on race, class, and violence – did you really need to say all that? Couldn’t you just say it was a rough or transitioning neighborhood?). I think there’s nothing really you can do. You’ve told him your concerns, he’s decided he doesn’t agree and isn’t going to change his behavior. You can either continue to nag him to likely no avail and with possible consequences to your relationship, or you can treat him like the adult he is and leave it alone from here on out. I go with the latter option. At the end of the day, he’s an adult he gets to make his own choices, even if you find them worrisome. Stop mothering him.
If *you* feel unsafe going over there, then stop. Make him come to you. But after telling him your concerns once, you need to stop telling him how to live.
I mean, there’s nothing you can do here, really. I live in a city where there are a lot of students and a lot of tourists, meaning there are generally a lot of people drinking and not paying attention, and, therefore, a lot of corresponding opportunistic armed robberies. I moved here as a student and during orientation, everyone preached and preached about not walking far at night and crime and being aware of your surroundings, etc. I didn’t take it at all seriously until one night myself and 6 others got held up at gun point walking home at 1:00 a.m. That was a decade ago and now? I pay attention to my surroundings and plan ahead about how to be smart getting home. I have friends who have lived here longer than I have and have heard the same warnings and still to this day don’t take it seriously. It’s just one of those things that unless it becomes a reality for him, he’s not going to consider himself a target, even if he potentially is. But definitely lock the door when you’re there at night. That’s just good sense, no matter where you live.
Generally if you need to write a disclaimer like, “I’m not rascist, but…” Nothing good follows that. Your post certainly sounds pretty discriminatory against minorities.
That being said, bring street smart, I felt pretty comfortable navigating the “scary” recently gentrified streets late night in the city I went to college in, as a petite young woman. Other people would be aghast that I’d wander around at night in the neighborhoods I lived in. But, don’t all cities seem scary to a lot of people? I was never bothered or attacked, and I had a cell phone to call if I needed to. Stop mothering him, it sounds like he can and is doing just fine taking care of himself.
I used to live in NYC. I was in a nicer neighborhood, and my boyfriend at the time was in a similar neighborhood as what you’re describing. It honestly never occurred to me to be worried for him because we were in NYC, and it’s sort of a given that you are at some risk of being a victim of crime. We all knew that when we chose to live there. It never occurred to me to give him safety advice. I don’t know where you live, but I feel like most crime occurs between people who know each other. Random crime is, well, random and less probable. It happens, but there’s not a lot you can do to prevent it. I had friends who were harassed walking in broad daylight, and then I’d turn around and take the subway home at 3 a.m. and no one spoke to me. I assume you mention race as a way to say that your boyfriend may be a target simply because of his race, but is that actually true? Are there honestly folks who are being randomly attacked on the street this often for that reason?
I think you need to get a handle of your stress over this. Do you normally have anxiety problems? Because this seems a little overboard.
Well, anytime you assume that because someone is poor and/or a minority that they are out to rob, rape, or harass you then you probably won’t be satisfied with any answer other than your BF moving out of there.
FTR, your BF could get robbed in an affluent area just as well as he could get robbed in a poorer area. The presence of minorities does not automatically mean he’s a target. It just means that minorities live, love, work, raise their kids, worry about bills/relationships/relatives in that area. Nothing more, nothing less.
TBH, if he’s a decent dude to the people in his neighborhood then they will probably look out for him or won’t bother him at all. He MIGHT just feel safe walking home alone because well…he knows that he is in fact safe in his neighborhood (I know, novel concept).
