Boyfriend takes solo vacations often
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“…all I want as a reward is for an honest conversation where he feels comfortable chatting with me.”
That’s an interesting thing to say at a year into a relationship.
It shouldn’t be this hard. Don’t you ever just take a walk together or something? And you can just casually say how happy you’ve been and segue from there? If it’s more difficult than that, something ain’t right.
Oh, Kate. You are great. Yes, all the time. I think you are right. Just in a casual moment see what’s up. You guys are really great. It’s such an interesting situation. I’ve never dated someone so mobile who is so important to me. I just didn’t want to catch him off guard or have him have to defend his lifestyle. (Which is awesome).
Ok, just… there’s a reason he’s been single for so long. It sounds like you and your mutual friends are doing most of the work toward making this a serious relationship. He’s more just booking trips and fun activities.
I just can’t get over the yuck factor of the guy knowing the LW as a child, seen her grow up and then dating her!
Sorry LW.
Your boyfriend sounds to me like a man who knows exactly how he wants to live his life, and has arranged his life accordingly. He knows what he wants, and if there were something unsatisfying about his life, he would change it. He’s not a drifting twenty-something. He’s living a very specific lifestyle.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk to him about where you see the relationship going – I think you should, and soon. But I think you should be prepared to hear “I like things the way they are.”
The telltale thing, for me, is that he invites you along, and then when you can’t go, he goes anyway. That says to me that the travel is the main, driving motivation in his life. You’re a good, pleasing part of his life, but if the driving force were the relationship with you, he’d choose staying home and spending time with you over the travel. Most of the time, anyway. But he’s very content traveling the world, and having a girlfriend in port.
That would work fine for some couples. And not at all for others. What you need to do is figure out which one of those you are. You’re feeling around for a way to tell him that you want him to change his restless nature, to be more like you, without really saying it, because you understand that it’s not a fair thing to ask of him.
Like many other people, you’ve got Mr. Almost-Right.
Thanks, Essie. So helpful. And, yes. This will be an interesting chat, for sure. I should make popcorn and have both Kleenex and champagne on-hand for the outcome. HA! You guys are all so helpful. It’s a unique situation, for sure, so I wanted some perspective from folks who haven’t known us for decades. I don’t want to change him and his sense of adventure is what makes him so unique and fun. It’s non-stop fun whether we’re watching a movie or jetting off to someplace sunny. But, after a year, the trips are increasing and he isn’t offering any practical solutions for how we can best navigate that part of the relationship. I don’t know what the answer is, but I’d like to know that we’re both trying to find out.
“I should make popcorn and have both Kleenex and champagne on-hand for the outcome.”
I’m not sure what this means. This isn’t a romcom or a tragic love story. It’s not a movie. It’s just a casual state-of-the-relationship chat. And he’s probably going to say he likes things the way they are now, in which case why would you need tissues or champagne? I don’t think he’s going to end it OR tell you he wants to take things to another level.
He’ll want this casual relationship you’ve got now. That’s it. It won’t go deeper, just this foreseeable future. Be prepared for that.
So definitely have that talk, but if the above isn’t enough for you, then you’re going to have walk away.
Good luck.
Yeah, it’s definitely good to go into it with an open mind and be prepared for anything, but don’t set it up for drama (“it’ll either be tears or celebration”) from the get-go.
Men usually behave according to what they want. If/when they’re saying things that might seem to contradict what they’re actually doing, go by what they’re doing.
I would be concerned that a year in everything is “nonstop fun”. That’s not life, that’s a fling. Also, saneinca has a point; why would a 30 something strike up a friendship with a teenager? That’s creepy as hell.
Kate and Heather, thank you. I agree. He can say all the lovely things in the world, but when he is still globetrotting all around the world by himself at least once a month, he seems to be showing his priorities. He really enjoys our time together, but is split. He likes our time together, but also likes his time alone or traveling with his Rat Pack. After a year of non-stop fun and a lifetime of friendship – and not too, too many deep chats about the future – the time has come. And if he wants things to be fantasy land and traveling and fancy this and fancy that while I can’t make all appointments because I have to work, this won’t work. He’s smart. He should be able to figure it out, or not figure it out… so the answer should reveal itself. And I have to see what I’m comfortable with. He has said just the other day that he is so used to having me around that he would miss me if we weren’t seeing one another. He might need to feel that. Or, maybe he just says all the right things.
Maybe you should ask his friends how he feels about you. They seem to be the only ones who know.
You seem to always be putting a really big emphasis on how great his huge friends list, and how all of his friends say you guys are great, and his friends say he hasn’t dated anyone it over 10 years, and his friends say you are the only person he has opened his heart too, oh duh his friends totally new you should have been dating forever.
I mean it seems like he tells his friends plenty of things, and opens his heart to them, it seems like you both live through his friends. I know it probably isn’t true, but it sounds like you guys communicate through them, and when he’s not around you hang out with his friends, because it makes you feel like you are with him or something.
