My older brother lives with my parents in the next town over from me, about half an hour’s drive away. He’s in a long-distance relationship with a girl from another country. They planned a vacation where she would come out here to Idaho and stay for a couple weeks. My brother asked if I was okay with her staying at our place while she was here (my parents’ house is small and really doesn’t have a lot of room for extra visitors). I was happy to host her and told him so. He then asked if he could stay out here, too, to maximize his time with her. I said that would be fine and we’d set up an extra bed for him, no problem.

Now, a little background. I grew up in a religious home and still hold that religion now. My brother has a different set of beliefs and that’s fine. However, in our home, we do ask that unmarried people sleep in separate beds (funny rule to have when your kids are still learning to walk and talk, I know, but either way, it’s how we were both raised and what we’re comfortable with). I didn’t explicitly state this to him, I just figured he knew my position on the matter based on our shared upbringing, as well as setting him up a bed in a separate room.

Anyway, she got here yesterday I took their bags to their respective rooms. She was tired from travelling and retired early. My brother went down to her room with her, and then a few minutes later came back up, grabbed his bags and headed downstairs. We didn’t see either of them for the rest of the night. My wife is really uncomfortable with the situation and feeling very awkward. I’m in a place where I’m realizing they didn’t ask to stay with us in order to have enough room, but in order to stay together without being bothered about it by my parents.

I know the “they’re going to do it anyway” answers are going to come up, but that’s not the point. I’m not trying to force them to live a different way, because I know it’s not going to happen and because it’s his own life. But this is my home, and I really don’t want to feel complicit in something I don’t agree with.

I know this next part will sound weird to pretty much everyone, but another of my religious beliefs is that we ought not drink alcohol. I bring this up as an example because if we all went to dinner, it hasn’t in the past and still wouldn’t bother me if he ordered a beer or some wine with his meal. He believes differently that me and that’s fine. That being said, I would feel a lot differently if he brought it to my house to drink while we had dinner at our table.

That’s a lot of rambling, but here’s my point and my question: How do I go about bringing this up? I don’t want to drive a wedge between us (he harbors some fairly bitter feelings toward what he considers overly judgmental religious people and I’d rather not add myself to the list). I also don’t want to ruin his vacation with his girlfriend whom he only sees on very rare occasions. However, I don’t want to compromise my standards, and I don’t want to leave my wife feeling awkward and uncomfortable. If I had been really explicit about my expectations beforehand, this would be a less awkward situation, but where he’s already moved his stuff into her room and stayed the night there, I feel like it’s partially my fault for not being vocal, but I can’t just ignore it because that’d be choosing my brother’s feelings over my wife’s, and she’s my #1 priority.

Any advice for how to diffuse this would be much appreciated.