Brother and his Girlfriend staying at my house
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I think this is simply a case of assumptions leading to non/miscommunication. The two of you grew up in the same household and just assumed that you thought alike. Your brother thought your parents’ rules were old-fashioned and silly and believed this was a shared brotherly rebellion against your parents’ silly religion-based rules, since he had rebelled against those rules. You share your parents values on this particular rule and assumed that your brother realized this and that a little hint like where you put the suitcases would be sufficient. Likely your brother saw this as letting yourself off the hook and putting responsibility for breaking the parents’-house rule squarely on his shoulders. When he moved his suitcase and you just stood there without objecting, he decided that he had correctly assessed the situation.
While I share your brother’s view on this rule, I do see your point. You likely feel that although your brother is an adult and free to make his own decisions about religious rules/sinning, that you become complicit in that sin if you are essentially enabling him to do so under your roof.
I think the brotherly dynamic is tougher, with you being the younger brother. It makes it harder to challenge him. It also puts him in more embarrassing position. Here he is with at least a very infrequent visit from and overseas LDR gf he wants to bang and he doesn’t have a place to take her other than your house and now you insist they be celibate. Bummer!
…the rare issue where I mostly agree with Mark.
Look, they’re adults. They’re doing legal, consensual, adult things. You don’t have to like those things, but I think that attempting to prevent them, even ‘under your roof’ is both a) not going to work, they’ll just wait until you’re not home, b) kind of mean, and c) wow, really kind of mean, and just obnoxiously priggish to boot. Stop pearl clutching, say nothing to your brother, and next time don’t be so quick to let people into your space who you know aren’t going to follow your rules.
Thanks, everyone. Things worked out, if not in the way I had intended.
My wife’s family is one where everybody tells everybody everything and there’s really nothing kept from each other. As such, she feels comfortable calling anyone in the family for advice. She called my mother while I was at work (seeking advice, not intending to nark) to ask what she ought to do in this situation. She asked my mom not to bring it up with my brother. MY mom told my dad, who told my brother I was uncomfortable, who then came and told us he was sorry and that wasn’t his intention.
I really wish it hadn’t happened like that and I could have just kept things between the two of us, but it is what it is, and I should have known my brother would handle it well. He’s always been really good to me like that. I really had nothing to be worried about.
I’m glad it worked out but seriously, your wife called your mom and she had your dad handle it? Dude that’s not good. I think you should take an assertiveness training course or something because as an adult you should be able to handle this type of thing.
My goodness. Your family is very interesting. Why is your wife going to your mother for advice, while she clearly can’t keep anything to herself? Your parents treat you all like children.
Yeah, this is messed up. Your wife didn’t trust you to resolve the problem on your own, you’re not a united team, she’s airing everyone’s private business to your parents, ratting out your brother, and your parents are out of control. Bad bad bad.
I think Dave’s wife should have spoken directly to her bro-in-law (who apparently is a reasonable human being), but I think she was bang-on not to trust her husband to do a darn thing about something that made her uncomfortable.
Agreed that this is not good. Not sure where the problem lies, though. I suspect it’s with Dave, honestly.
Well Dave, I think your wife’s explanation for her actions is shear bunkum. Her family may be able to ask anything to anyone, but that doesn’t seem to be the case with your family and she knows how your parents feel about pre-marital sex. I think you thought you had a brother problem, but you really have a marital problem. Your wife not only ratted out your older brother to his parents, she told you that she thinks you are too much of a wuss to solve this problem, so she recruited your parents to solve it. Just not a good look for a marriage dynamic. Can’t you and your wife discuss issues between yourselves? Do you typically leave it to one or the other sets of parents to solve the problems in your marriage? How long have you delayed talking to your brother and how many times did your wife speak to you about this? Frankly, you and your wife seem too immature to be married if you run back to the parents to resolve issues like this. It really doesn’t bode well for your future. Either your wife has an incredible amount of nerve bringing your parents into this or she is beyond angry with your lack of action.
I feel sorry for your brother’s LDR gf. She’s been treated like garbage in all of this. Conservative religious family, except for her bf? Check! This whole religious family apparently talking about her behind her back about what a slut she is and how unacceptable her behavior with her bf is. She innocently wandered into your home thinking she was welcome and that you and your brother had your shit together and now, in what she likely hopes becomes a serious relationship with your brother, this is her introduction to your parents. Nice! Your wife owes this poor woman an apology. If your wife is feeling to self-righteous to apologize, then you should apologize and pay for a hotel room. You and your wife totally blind-sided this woman. She must be feeling terrible about this.
Your wife sounds like a real piece of work. I sure do hope you go buy her some pearls so she can clutch…
