Can someone help me?
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I need advice. A little background: I am a 49 year old divorced mother of two (both over 18) in a committed, monogamous relationship with a 57 year old divorced father of three (all daughters and all over 18) We met online in late 2015. We maintain separate homes but spend every weekend together. We are both happy with this arrangement and have no plans to marry or to live together full-time.
Until recently there has been little conflict in our relationship, except for the occasional squabble over his lack of boundaries with his youngest daughter, “Anna”. He loved being the “cool dad” and was always trying to buy his daughter’s love. His (then 17 year old) daughter took full advantage of this. She would get her dad to buy her and her friends booze and he would host drinking parties his house. I quickly put the kabosh on the underage drinking while I was around. Until I came into the picture, his youngest was always able to manipulate her dad because he felt guilty about the divorce and for marrying a full-blown sociopath (ex-wife #2). From what I understand, this particular kid has always been a spoiled brat even before his subsequent remarriage.
Fast forward to last February. Things have deteriorated between father & daughter (now 19 and a freshman in college) I should mention that, aside from his permissive parenting style, this man is an otherwise loving and devoted father. The daughter, however, does not seem appreciative of anything he does for her, including buying her a Jeep Grand Cherokee for her 16th birthday and giving her $36,000 for college. She seems to always wants more, and if he doesn’t capitulate, she throws a tantrum and/or gives him the cold shoulder.
Two weeks ago, somewhat out of the blue, my boyfriend received an angry voicemail from his daughter telling him she no longer wants him in her life. My boyfriend is usually a very calm, easy-going type of guy but after the voicemail his demeanor took a sharp turn for the worse. He has been unusually short-tempered and distant with me, picking fights over the the smallest things. I should also mention that he is under tremendous pressure at work. After a difficult week I decided the best course of action was to give him some space in hopes that things would calm down. To be quite honest, I am happy to see her go. Boyfriend, however, is devastated because she is still his child and he wants her to love him, no matter how obnoxious and spoiled she is.
Boyfriend and I have a camper at a nearby lake where we enjoy spending weekends together during the summer months. I was looking forward to our weekend at the lake as we had not seen each other all last week, nor had we spoken by phone (he was very busy and I didn’t want to put any pressure on him)
We drove to the lake late Friday evening. We were both in a good mood and looking forward to a fun and relaxing weekend. We decided to have a drink and ride our golf cart before going to bed. Boyfriend stopped to chat with some friends. The conversation dragged on a bit too long and I told him that I wanted to go back to the camper. I had already sat there for 45 minutes or so listening to the men talk among themselves and was not enjoying myself. Boyfriend thought I was being unreasonable even though I said I was okay with him going back to shoot the bull with his friends after dropping me off. He said he felt I wasn’t being “supportive” and that I “embarrassed” him and “ruined” his evening. He felt I should have continued to sit there quietly like the other wives/girlfriends were doing.
His mood became very hostile. I think he may have had too much to drink. He drank a few beers with his friends, on top of the mixed drinks we had when we arrived, and we had not eaten anything that day since lunch.
As we were heading back to the camper, we began to argue. Without warning, mboyfriend pulled the golf cart over and grabbed hold of my head in what I can only describe as a “vise grip”. I yelled, “(boyfriend’s name) please let go, you are hurting me!!” but he did not let go. He just kept squeezing my head harder. Terrified, I hit him upside the head just as hard as I could and I dug my fingernails into his arms until he finally let go. He did not apologize or show any remorse immediately afterwards, instead he made a point to show me all of the injuries that I inflicted upon him (he was bleeding from the side of his face and from his arms)
When I tried to talk to him about what the hell just happened, he got pissed off again and put all the blame on me. I should add that this behavior is TOTALLY out of character for this man. We have since talked things out and he did eventually apologize the next day.
Last night it was like nothing happened. He was kind and attentive towards me like he was in the beginning of our relationship. So, for the sake of the relationship, I decided to just let it go and just continue to be a loving and supportive partner to this man. If I didn’t believe he was a good man, I probably would have ended the relationship over this. I ended a previous relationship due to verbal abusive, and he never laid a hand on me.
I truly believe this is an isolated incident brought on by the stress of being “discarded” by his hateful, narcissistic youngest daughter. I would think he would be thrilled that this “child” is out of his life, as she has given him nothing but grief and heartache. Instead he is brokenhearted and taking his heartache out on me, and it’s not fair. I do not deserve to be treated this way.
I should also mention that the day my boyfriend’s daughter told him she no longer wanted him in her life, we got into a very heated argument because he was more concerned about his daughter’s feelings than with mine. He literally “threw me under the bus” and blamed me for all the problems he and his daughter were having, saying if I hadn’t “stuck my nose where it didn’t belong” none of this would have ever happened. I accused him of not standing up for me whenever she spoke disrespectfully about me. He continued to blame me for everything and I responded with, “Fuck you!” and took a swipe at him. He almost hit me back (which I would have deserved at that moment) but instead he grabbed me by my shoulders, looked me right in the eye and said, “Get your stuff and get out”. Devastated by his total lack of concern for my feelings, I apologized and begged him for his forgiveness. After taking some time alone to cool off, we made up later that evening.
I am still deeply ashamed of my behavior because it was so out of character for me. I’ll be hones, I felt threatened by the daughter. I know that she resents my presence in her father’s life and has indicated to him on more than one occasion that she objects to our relationship (I saw her texts) I was afraid he would decide his relationship with his daughter was more important than his relationship with me. It was my fear and insecurity that drove me over the edge.
Do you think this relationship still has a chance, or am I just fooling myself? I’m not getting any younger and it’s hard to find a good man at my age. I don’t want to end up old and alone. Sometimes I think I should just “put up and shut up” because the alternative is a whole lot worse. Then I think to myself, I deserve way better.
His relationship with his child is more important than YOU. You obviously over step boundaries that you had no buisness being involved in. If your finances are not combine, you arent married, and you don’t know his child than NO its not your business. He can give his child whatever as long as he has the ability to do so. You don’t have a relationship with this child and how you see her is very negative. Also, sounds like you both are abusers. You don’t sound innocent. Sounds like its time to MOA.
Also adding I love it when women cry that a man is abusive but yet they instigate and provoke abuse. He probably snapped on you and probably was out of character. I like how you seem to minimize your attempt to assault him. Your an abusive person. He probably just had enough.
Wow. By paragraph four, I came to the same conclusion as your boyfriend. You are 100% the reason his daughter cut him out of her life. Even before that, you showed obvious contempt. This is his daughter. You’re not married. You’re not even living together and you were upset he’s paying for collage and bought her a car? Wtf? Seriously. Wtf?
I get that you don’t like this extremely young girl. But this is his daughter. He likely divorced her mom in her early teens or younger. Have some compassion.
You further lost me when you also became abusive. You both suck. I feel really bad for this guy’s children.
Holy shit, he had your head in a viselike grip, and kept squeezing…that’s somehow indicative of a good man to you?
He’s not a good man.All the shit about his daughter is just stupid bs that’s really none of your business. He’s the one who’s spoiled her, and you blame her for it. You even blame her for the stress he felt, and the abuse he gave you.
The alternative is worse than this? You bring out the absolute worst in each other. It’s toxic.
You absolutely need to leave him. Being alone is better than having your skull squeezed in a viselike grip. What’s next? Attempted murder?
You need to get over being jealous of children. You won’t have a happy relationship with anyone, if you try to cut parents away from their children.
Besides stopping he under aged drinking, which is beyond logic that he would enable you did over step. I get being annoyed with her behavior but it isn’t your place to step in. You should not have hit him. He should not have touched you. You’re both wrong there. The boiling point you have reached means it’s time to leave.
Break it off before one or both of you get hurt or arrested.
I cannot stand women who cozy up to a man and resent the attention and resources he gives his children. No wonder she thinks you suck. You’re a girlfriend of two years and you believe you should outrank his daughter? Gross.
Neither of you have the ability to fight fair. MOA and next time don’t date someone with children.
Thank you for the replies. I agree, I did overstep my bounds. I have no excuse other than my own insecurity. Before meeting this man I swore I would never date anyone with children for this very reason. I read somewhere that often daughters of divorced men can be downright awful to the new woman in their father’s life.
And I only mentioned the money to show how ungrateful she is towards her father. I still blame her for getting us to this boiling point. I was always friendly towards her, but behind the scenes she was telling her father lies, saying I said things to her that I didn’t say. All the while he believed her and not me. She is hardly an innocent little girl. She is an evil, manipulative 19 year old. Sadly I KNOW he loves his kid way more than me, and it’s killing me.
His two other daughters treat me well and have accepted me as their father’s significant other. He expects me to love all his children but I’m afraid that’s just never going to happen.
Why the f would it kill you that he loves his kid more than you?? That’s the most ridiculous thought ever. I rarely say someone’s feelings aren’t valid as they are your feelings but this one is total BS.
Oh, lovely. You’re calling a 19-year-old “evil and manipulative.” She’s about the only one I feel sorry for in this absurd situation.
You’re her father’s weekend girlfriend. You don’t even try to hide the fact that you’ve loathed her since you met her. You have absolutely no right to tell her how to interact with her father, and no right to tell him how to parent her. You thought he’d be happy that his child cut him out of her life? What is WRONG with you?
This “relationship” needs to end before one of you seriously injures the other. It’s dead at this point, anyway. Your open contempt for his child has killed it. Leave this family alone. I hope they can rebuild their relationships after you’re out of their lives.
So JD, are you saying would be okay with your significant other putting their adult child’s feelings above yours? If so, you are a much bigger person than I ever will be.
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