Can someone help me?
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One of the things that impressed me about my boyfriend when we first started dating was that his kids were his top priority. Always. There have been plenty of re-arranged dates over the years because his kids needed something. Often I’d go along, and we’d turn it into something fun. I still have fond memories of the night we got lost driving out to pick up his son’s car at his college. We had dinner at a terrific little restaurant we came across on some back road. It wasn’t the date we’d planned before his son called, but it was probably a lot more fun.
Did he sometimes overspend on his kids? Sure. I never once criticized him for it, because I’ve made my share of not-great decisions, too, and he was doing it out of love.
But then, I’m not so insecure that I’d have a jealous fit over my partner helping his kids.
W o w.
My impression reading this is of a guy who is unstable, maybe has a drinking problem, maybe has abusive tendencies, and picks women with major issues (present company included) to be with. His actions have caused emotional damage to at least one of his kids, and a strained relationship mired in guilt. It’s possible he was abusive in some way to this daughter in the past (or his wives were, and he didn’t stop it) and that’s part of why she’s so angry and cut him out of her life. Maybe not, but obviously he has been spoiling her to make up for something. He’s also been modeling very bad behavior that he needs to own. He obviously likes to drink and party… where do you think she gets that from? Her dad was hosting teenage drinking parties. That to you is a quality guy? He’s not. A guy who gets drunk and physically abuses you is a drunk abuser. You may think you’ve only seen this one example and really he’s a great guy, but no. He sounds trash.
And you come across as awful in this narrative. I know you can’t fathom it, but he’s supposed to put his kids first. He’s supposed to love them more than his weekend girlfriend of two years. There’s something really wrong with you. You’re sick, to see a teenage girl as evil and be glad to see her sever her relationship with her dad. Also, you HIT him.
You sound like a couple of deeply disturbed individuals who were attracted to the damage in each other. This relationship is toxic and just going to deteriorate and get uglier.
My god.
Eta I don’t get being scandalized by underage drinking yet not batting an eye over being driven around by someone who just binge-drank (yes, he did) on an empty stomach. I get it’s a trailer park, but there could still be people or animals walking around.
Oy vey. woman you have to move on. In a second or third marriage -guess what, YOU DON’T COME FIRST. And you are not the parent. If your bf asked for money to buy the daughter a car or if he couldn’t pay his half of a trip because he bought the car -then and only then is it your problem. And it’s not your problem to solve, it’s your problem to decide if you can put up with it. Instead you stuck your nose into where it didn’t belong.
He’s not a good man, he picks women who are selfish. He physically assaulted you.
Personally, I don’t think you’re a good person either. You exacerbated a bad situation over some selfish need of your own. I think you’re controlling. I think you looked at all of the money he was spending on his daughter and thought -he could be spending that on other things. New furniture, a better car for himself, a trip for us. Things that you would get benefit from. I think you need to do some soul searching.
You are seriously messed up if you think a 19 year old girl is evil and manipulative.
And obviously, you should not be dating men who have kids, even grown ones.
I was on my way to bed last night so was tired and didn’t bother addressing his behavior. But what Kate said about him. He is not a good man. A good person wouldn’t put his girlfriend’s needs over a teenage child’s. Your child comes first. A good person wouldn’t assault you like that in anger. And you’re just as bad if not worse, but that has been addressed.
Both of you disgust me. I’m glad the daughter cut you all off.
My two closest friends growing up had parents in their life like this guy and their parents married people like you. Jealous and insecure and all adults put their needs before their kids. I could see how it messed them up. My parents offered them a safe space if they ever wanted it. Luckily they’re both ok. They both have created stable homes and love their children and put them first. Something neither had growing up.
It’s nkt just ok it is mandatory!! For you to think otherwise is silly. And a 19 year old is legally an adult but mentally really isn’t. She still needs guidance and support.
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I honestly just think this man snapped. Him putting his hands on her was very bad, so bad that she had to claw away from him that left blood and marks. To me that represents he no longer has love for LW but hatred and anger. I would want to leave. Even if it was one isolated incident. I believe LW needs to terminate this relationship. LW, his children come before you. You are not a wife. You are a person that he owes no obligation too. I’m curious as to how you feel if someone treated your children like this? Regarding the underage drinking, that’s great you were able to redirect that situation. Regardless of why he bought alcohol. I honestly,don’t see what the big deal,is about a car and paying for college. Lots of parents do this for their children. You say you are jealous of this adultchild which is a fair enough confession to the reason why you feel the way you do. Lastly ill say your relationship is over. You’ve hung on long enough.Oh, I would bet real money he’s put his hands on a woman before. Guys who don’t abuse women, uh, never do. He’s 57. He didn’t just suddenly lose impulse control.
But yeah, beyond that, to AutumnRose’s point, LW, he feels anger and hatred toward you that’s not unjustified and comes to a boiling point when he’s drunk. You’re not safe with him. You need to leave. This is a casual weekend relationship that’s devolved into anger and violence.
okay, for starters in case you don’t understand teenagers, they are going to experiment if they want to and many can actually still be decent kids *shocker*..even with bad attitude or so called narcissism. She’s a TEENAGER. Even a “spoiled brat” at heart is still subject to these years and who she is now doesn’t define her solely. Many turn on the parents at this age and to be honest it does sound like you created a wedge where there wasn’t one. And it is actually responsible as a parent to allow the drinking so long as it can be supervised (in many states this is actually legal) rather than giving your child the ability to lie about their whereabouts and potentially end up with people who won’t look out for their well being. As far as the physical abuse goes that should be completely unacceptable from BOTH parties. If you truly feel this way towards his daughter now be prepared to always feel this way because you are expecting him to put you first and it just isn’t gonna happen.
Alivia, it is NEVER, EVER “responsible” to host an underage drinking party for OTHER PEOPLE’S CHILDREN at your home. You’re right that in most states, underage drinking under parent supervision is legal. That’s fine.
But you do NOT have the legal right to serve alcohol to SOMEONE ELSE’S UNDERAGE KIDS at your home. You will be held liable for any consequences, as it is illegal.
Of course he should love his daughter more than he loves you. I am guessing the reason he never wanted to take it any further than weekend sleepovers is because he knew you would be even more toxic for his relationship with his daughter. His older two daughters might just be mature enough not to show you their true feelings because your behavior has not had as much of an impact in their relationship with their father as it has their younger sister. I know all of this TOO well because I married a man who is jealous and resentful of my grown daughters. If he is not smart enough to end it, then you should end the relationship so maybe he will have a chance to reestablish his relationship with his daughter before it is too late.
Is it really legal in most states? Here the adults would be charged with providing alcohol to under-aged drinkers. Also, if one of the attendees drives and wrecks, the parent providing the alcohol and the party site is liable.
I don’t understand the criticism that LW hit her bf. He had her head in a severe hold and refused to release her. You are allowed to defend yourself.
He’s not a winner. LW’s jealousy of a 19-year old daughter is a very ugly look. She seems to already have her eye on bf’s money or she wouldn’t be carrying on about what he spends on daughter. Daughter sounds not so much spoiled as angry and angry with good cause. Her parents divorced, father married a woman he now says is a sociopath to be her step-mother, and now he’s got LW, who obviously despises her. My sympathy is with the daughter. How dare her father pay for her college? Really, you’re going to go there LW. Among other things, it may well be a legal requirement of his divorce. More importantly, that’s what father should and usually do do.
Why do you see this as a competition for the father’s affection. Unless he’s having sex with his daughter, which sounds extremely unlikely, he formerly loved the two of you in very different ways. I agree with the above commenters, he’s pretty much done with you LW. Either your ‘relationship’ will end soon or it will be purely transactional from his end.
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