Can someone help me?
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@Ron, she had “taken a swing at him” prior to that, the night the daughter called to cut her dad out of her life. He almost hit her back but didn’t. Then a week or two later he grabbed her head violently.
Re: his daughter – LW, do you have your own children? I didn’t see that in the post. It seems like your attitude was that you have to hold out until the kids turn 18 and then they should be self-sufficient. Newsflash: that’s not at all the way most families operate anymore. My parents were still helping my sister pay for grad school at age 26 and also bought her a car. They helped me with the purchase of my townhouse and bought me my first car as well. It takes much longer now for adult children to become totally self-sufficient to the point of being able to completely financially make it on their own, and she is a 19 year old girl. He was absolutely well within his rights to help her pay for her education and buy her a car. She’s not “spoiled”. If she were failing out of college or not working and not contributing you might be able to say that, but nowhere in your post do you mention anything like that.
From what I’m reading, if this is your attitude you probably shouldn’t be dating a man with kids, no matter how old they are. All that is notwithstanding the toxicity of your relationship and the fact that your boyfriend sounds violent and abusive, to add to it all. Stop taking actual physical swipes at each other (!!!) and move on and get some therapy.
She has two kids over the age of 18. He has three. She only has a problem with the youngest, who was probably young when her parents divorced and then probably had a pretty crappy family life – dealing with her father’s wife and girlfriend who detest her. I can’t really blame her for acting out. This is all happening while she also has raging hormones.
It’s easy to forget in that hot mess! I forgot there was a second wife who was apparently crazy. I mean really, no wonder this kid is messed up.
And never trust a someone who calls their ex crazy, unless that’s actually true.
Lord, this is way too much drama for some grown ass folks! Y’all damned near on the doorstep of senior citizenship, and this is how both of you are acting?!?!?
First and foremost, if you are so insecure in a relationship with a man (any man) that his teen-aged daughter is a threat, you need to get your ass to a therapist, post haste. Kids come first, always! That’s non-negotiable.
At 40+, a man with kids is fairly common. If you strike every man with kids from your list, your dating pool is going to be a puddle. Also, it makes absolutely NO SENSE to not date a man with kids when you have your own kids. That’s mind boggling-ly selfish and shallow.
And if you need to be in a relationship where no one comes before you, get yourself a damned dog. They will love you unconditionally, and you will never have to fight for their attention. Humans are NOT like that, especially a man with kids.
You are not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. You don’t even have a good relationship with yourself. You need to break up with him and GET YOUR LIFE RIGHT, first!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey @Ron, there apparently was an incident prior to him grabbing her head where she attempted to assault him. I don’t blame her for defending her life when he grabbed her head. This appears to be a domestic violence relationship, very toxic. But I also feel she tried to minimize her abusive behavior as well. Hitting is hitting. And no parents cannot buy alcohol for minors or even their own children. Theres laws in place the prohibit that. I can understand a parent would rather their child drink with them rather than out in about but at the same time drinking alcohol to get drunk is toxic, can bring on mental health issues, and substance abuse issues, especially in minors whose brains are not fully developed.
It is legal in many states to allow your minor children to drink on private property.
But hosting a hoard of drinking minors is not.
Autumnrose —
Yes, I missed the first swing she took at him earlier. Kate also pointed that out — I see it now. This relationship is dysfunctional and should be over.Because you seem to think that “out of character” physical violence in your relationship isn’t an IMMEDIATE AND INEXCUSABLE DEAL BREAKER (which it is) I will focus on your perception of this daughter:
“she resents my presence in her father’s life and has indicated to him …that she objects to our relationship”
Ironic, since you resent HER presence in her father’s life, have openly objected to their relationship and are “happy to see her go.” I don’t think you realize how biased and unsympathetic you sound in your letter. You seem to think that permissive parenting on your bf’s part is a minor flaw, while placing full blame on his daughter having expectations inline with the way she was raised. Your lack of perspective here is incredible.“I was afraid he would decide his relationship with his daughter was more important than his relationship with me.”
His relationship with his daughter IS more important than his relationship with you. This has been pretty thoroughly covered, and quite frankly, should have been obvious.“It was my fear and insecurity that drove me over the edge.”
If you can’t handle your fear and insecurity, to the point of feeling threatened by a parent-child relationship and lashing out physically, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship.There is no hope for this relationship to ever be healthy. Move on.
Yes, even isolated incidents of physical abuse should be a deal breaker, but that’s easy to say when it’s not your relationship.
Anger management therapy is in order for both of us, ASAP
I’m not after my boyfriend’s money. I am more well-off financially than he is. I just absolutely loathe ingratitude/a sense of entitlement in children.
I’m not jealous of his kid, she is jealous of me. I said I felt THREATENED by her, as in, she would love nothing more than to break us up. We were fine until a couple months ago. Really. We are decent, respectable people, at least I thought we were. All this drama is because of HER, so, to her I say, good riddance. If that makes me a shitty person, so be it. I can live with that.
For the record, I actually liked his kid at first, even though I could sense her resentment. I tried to avoid her as much as possible. She had my boyfriend by the balls and I hated how disrespectfully she treated him. As time went by, I simply began to loathe her presence, but I was always polite and that pleased her father. She is disrespectful to everyone, not just her father and me. Even her own mother can’t stand her.
Call me crazy (many of you already have) but I don’t think anyone should put their child’s feelings above that of their long-term romantic partner, unless said child is a minor. It is true, some children are deeply damaged by divorce and as a result can be horrid to their parent’s new partners.
Some of you guys have been pretty hard on me, and I expected that. I came to this forum not for support but for the unvarnished truth and I did glean some valuable insight.
I do not agree that a solid, two+ year relationship should be thrown in the trash heap because emotions got out of hand. I hope we can salvage what he have, and I plan to continue to work on my own issues.
It’s over already, you’re just going to go through the painful death spiral for a while. A relationship doesn’t survive this.
But go ahead with the anger management, it may be helpful to you personally.
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