Can someone help me?
- This topic has 122 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 7 months ago by
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Why don’t you go back to expecting a man to love you more than his daughter. Catch on that you are delusional. Also sounds like you have raised your 22 year old daughter to be just as insane as you. Good job. Perhaps you should simply not be let around children at all.
Kate, it’s true, I don’t always communicate in the most effective manner. I will try to work on my online communication skills before entering another advice forum.
You all have a wonderful day.
Bittergaymark, catty, middle-aged gay men aren’t exactly in high demand either. Looks like we’re in the same boat.
We don’t all desperately want yo be tied down.
“So JD, are you saying would be okay with your significant other putting their adult child’s feelings above yours? If so, you are a much bigger person than I ever will be.”
Uhh, yes. His child should come before you always. My boyfriend currently has 3 daughters. 20, 19, and 15. They always come before me, as they should. Not in a he doesn’t care about me way, but there feelings are important. And I’m okay with it. I actually prefer that. I’ve dated other men with kids who didn’t come before me and it was a deal breaker. It made him seem like a bad dad. His children will always come before you. Just like your children, grown or not should come before him.
As a college student, she isn’t really “grown” yet. She’s still finding her way, learning how to budget money and make it as an adult.
Also, as a 34 year old female of divorced parents. My mom STILL puts my brother & I before the man she has been dating for 11 years. They live together and share some finances (still have their own accounts as well), and she doesn’t talk to her boyfriend about things she does for, with, as surprises for my brother and I.
I do not have my own biological children yet, but I can’t imagine anyone ever being more important to me than them when I do have them.
And lastly, as a woman dating a divorced man with 3 daughters adore me. They do not hate me, they do not dislike me or go out of their way to make me miserable. They are actually very loving girls. They text me for advice and just to say hello. Because I respect them and their relationship with their dad.
Sounds like you from day one were giving off a bad vibe. MOA.
Okay, so what do you want us to say? That your BF is a great man? He isn’t. That you’re 100% blameless in this? You aren’t. That you can go forward successfully without further toxicity in your relationship? Probably not.
Multiple people have told you that these are major red flags for any relationship.
You don’t seem to want to or are ready to hear it.
So it’s time to s*** or get off the pot. Either go back to your BF and suck it up, or grow a pair and tell him it’s over. But stop talking to random internet people, because the answer is going to be the same wherever you go:
Yes, it’s abuse. Yes, you should leave him. No, he won’t improve.
Jaelle, thanks for your input. I’m currently weighing my options. I’m leaning towards sucking it up. Boyfriend is far from perfect and so am I. Like the other posters have said, we deserve each other.
“You don’t seem to want to or are ready to hear it.”
Correct. It’s agonizingly painful to hear what other people think.
Does anyone really want to hear the hard truth?
Nobody wants to hear the hard truth. So,what…does that mean people shouldn’t be told the truth?
LW I would strongly recommend you get therapy. It will give you a great deal of help.
LW you are not the MRS so no you are not prioritized over his children, no matter how old they are. If he married you than it would be a different story that his children would need to be civil with you and respect boundaries. However, what he chooses to do with his money isn’t your business. You have children yourself so would you like someone to fell the way you fell about your children. The fact that you too put your hands on each other is enough to say we need a break or terminate the relationship. Yes!!! Even after x amount of years together. Thats not healthy EVER!! You need to sit down and figyre out what qualities you want in a man since he obviously isn’t giving you that. And to the @B lady, same advise, if you don’t like how he treats his child verse how he treats you than move on already. Your time is valuable so don’t waste it. Go find someone who makes you happy and treats you they way you want to be treated. DAMN.
I don’t get it. You yourself have kids. What if this situation was reversed – does that mean you would love your long-term boyfriend more than your child because they aren’t easy to deal with and that your boyfriend’s needs come before your own children. I get that you have adult children but if one of them cut you out of your life, you’d be ok with it? And if your man said ‘good riddance’ to your kid, you wouldn’t bat an eyelash? :/
BITTERGAYMARK: Hey, no need to pick on me! I got nothing against you, man. I usually nod my head in agreement with a lot of your comments on this site. I was just trying to point out that unless we’re in ohsuzanna’s shoes (which none of us are), it’s had to know what exactly she’s going through.
I’ll just add: it’s not about wanting my partner to buy me necklaces. I don’t need his money! (I make $10K more than him. Not bragging, just saying his $$ isn’t at all why I’m with him.) The point I was trying to make is that I sort of know how ohsuzanna feels: it stinks when you know your partner is capable of expressing his love in whatever way he expresses it (in my partner’s case, it’s through gifts) but very little of that love-expression is directed toward you. I don’t want my partner to love me *more than* his stepdaughter. No way. Just want him to let me know that I have a special place in his heart, too.
OHSUZANNA: You know how your daughter said “At your age, you’re lucky to have anybody”? That feels horrible. I know how bad that feels.
20 years ago, I’d never have thought I’d accept a man who makes me feel like I don’t matter. But now… I feel I have to be ok with it. For the most part, society is not good to women our age. It’s a sad truth. When my sister was older than I am now (in her late 50s), she found out her husband had cheated nonstop for years with different ladies. But she stayed with him because everyone told her “At your age, you won’t do better than him.” Sick, right? But this is how we are made to feel by the media: that we’re older and so have “nothing to offer” and better “get who we can” because apparently our saggier breasts and imperfect tummies make us less human than
we used to be 20 years ago. 🙁
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