Can someone help me?
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@B, I understand why you might feel like that, but that’s a really unhealthy and damaging way to think about yourself and other women. First of all, there are plenty of single or divorced men in their 50s and 60s. You don’t have to be with one who doesn’t think much of you or who you have domestic violence with. That’s just good old fashioned insecurity and inertia, which happens at every age. And even if there weren’t a lot of men to choose from? Be single! Be okay with yourself. Go on dates. Don’t tie yourself down with someone who’s not even into you. Ditch this narrative. Be better.
Seriously. To add onto what Kate said, you’re more likely to find a good human being that treats you (and possible children) well if you’re ok with yourself and ok with being single. Snagging a man isn’t the end all/be all to existence… and if you believe that, you end up in a shitty relationship. Aim higher.
I’ve said it my entire life, but I’d rather be alone and happy with my life than settle with someone just because you’re “supposed to.” What a sad, sad way to live. And yes, that’s how I felt before meeting my husband at 35 and marrying at 37. You don’t need a man (or woman) by your side to be fulfilled. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Leah, I’ve been considering therapy. Can’t get boyfriend on board as he is “old school” and thinks men should be able to handle their own problems. At the moment I’m finding a lot of helpful advice on YouTube.
You need therapy. You should go see an actual therapist, in an office. Not YouTube.
YOU need to go to therapy. Doesn’t matter if he is on board. Work on your self esteem issues. Go youto self.
“it stinks when you know your partner is capable of expressing his love in whatever way he expresses it (in my partner’s case, it’s through gifts) but very little of that love-expression is directed toward you.”
Yes, B, that is a very hard pill to swallow.
“I don’t want my partner to love me *more than* his stepdaughter. No way. Just want him to let me know that I have a special place in his heart, too.”
I don’t think I ever expected or demanded that my partner love me “more” than any of his daughters. In fact I know (because he told me) that he loves his oldest daughter the most. It doesn’t bother me because she is very sweet towards me. She even went out of her way to include me in her wedding (by giving me the “stepmother’s” seat)
All I really ever expected was to be loved *at least* as much as he loved his children. It hurts to be such a huge part of somebody’s life (more than a “weekend” girlfriend) and know that you still come in a distant 4th.
For now, I’ll have to accept that. I chose to date a man with children.
“20 years ago, I’d never have thought I’d accept a man who makes me feel like I don’t matter. But now… I feel I have to be ok with it.”
Same here. Divorced first husband after he turned into an abusive alcoholic (no kids, thank goodness!) Now here I am, almost 50, with another man who is heading down that same shitty path and I feel totally powerless this time. Have I really become that desperate?
B, I fail to see how your anecdote about a $9 necklace is comparable to her repeatedly complaining that his daughter is ungrateful for her college education or car.
Her comments are to make the daughter seem ungrateful. Suzanna knows he’d never spend that kind of money on her. He doesn’t even want to live with her.
And now that they can’t even have fun on the weekends, because she picks fights and hates his friends, AND helped destroy his relationship with his daughter, he will move on soon enough to sociopath #4.
Buying your daughter things she needs to succeed in life/necessities like a car or college isn’t really in the same realm as “gifts of love.” It’s more of an obligation. Parents are duty bound to give their children the best foot out the door into society as they can. Despite his many failings as a father, at least he’s given her a good head start financially.
I wonder what he’ll give her as an apology gift when they make up.
Well, you are also abusive and seem to drink your fair share, Suzanna. Maybe that’s why.
So if he thinks men should be able to handle their own problems I guess he’s not going to that anger management program then.
And yeah, looks like you found yourself another abusive alcoholic.
I say to my husband cutely “Who do you love the most?” He replies, his son.
“Who do you love the second most?” He replies, me.That is how it should be. Frankly when we have kids I expect him to love our child more than me too. I expect him to run through fire to save the child before me. I want that in a father for my children. My child will be first to me and should be to him. That is called a good parent.
Ohsuzanna, I am glad you are considering therapy. Do it for you. I have been in therapy once a week for almost 4 years now because I married a man that I do love, but he’s controlling and manipulative. He’s jealous of my daughters and tries to isolate me from everyone in my life. I have been the main breadwinner for my family my entire life. I was married to my first (lying, cheating) husband for 32 years before I finally said “enough.” Then what did I do? I met and felt sorry for a man who was diagnosed with stage IV cancer with no health insurance, so I rushed into marriage so he would have health benefits. I’ve spent the last four years trying to keep my sanity without leaving a man who has stage IV cancer (because, who does that?)
If I were not going to therapy, I don’t know where I would be right now. He still tries to manipulate and control, but I no longer let him get away with it. He has met his match because I have finally learned to care enough about myself that I don’t allow his behavior. He knows if he crosses the line, I am off to my daughters’ for the weekend.
I wanted to share my story because I reacted strongly when I read yours. Many of the things you say about his youngest daughter are things that have been said about one or more of my daughters. I cannot allow that. I don’t claim to be the perfect parent, but my daughters are all awesome (but imperfect) young women and will always come first for me – as they did when I was still married to their father. Like your boyfriend’s daughters, two of my daughters have always been cordial to his face (though they do not like him for me). The one daughter who makes her feelings about him no secret is also the daughter who needs my attention the most, and she is the daughter that my husband resents the most, so your story struck home for me.
If I were you, I would encourage him to take this time to repair his relationship with his daughter while you take this time to concentrate on yourself.
The love you have for a partner and the love you have for a child are such different things that I don’t know how you compare them and rank them. You have romantic love with a partner and you see each other as a peer. You have a protective, guiding, paternal/maternal love for a child. In general you give more to a child because they need more. Your partner can take care of themself. Your child needs you to take care of them. You choose things with a partner like a house and furniture and cars. You pick things for a child, often with their input as they get older. I think that in general you are more giving with a child because you want the world for them. You want them to be able to do whatever they want so you provide the with college and you provide them with a car which is just a natural continuation of helping them with their homework, volunteering at school and driving them around to activities. Often parents buy a car as much for themselves as for the child. When the kid can drive and you give them a car you don’t have to keep driving them around yourself.
When parents remain married and so are raising the child without a girlfriend or boyfriend involved in the household I think there is far less comparing or measuring who loves who most. Both parents love the child and want to provide for the child so there is already a good level of agreement. Sometimes parents can disagree on the best way to support the child or the best way to spend a limited amount of money but one parent isn’t judging whether the other parent loves them as much as the child.
I think if you are worried about him loving the child more than you then you know he doesn’t love you very much. Otherwise there wouldn’t be an issue. You wouldn’t need to try to measure how much he spends on the kid compared to how much he spends on you. He can easily love you romantically and love the child paternally without it being a big deal. Kids do take time and he will need to be there for the child in a way he doesn’t need to be there for a romantic partner.
In a good relationship there is an effort made to meet the needs of all. That means time with the child, time with the partner and alone time. Often when your child has activities your social life and partner time is spent at the child’s activities socializing with the other parents. That is part of having a child.
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