Can someone help me?
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“If I were you, I would encourage him to take this time to repair his relationship with his daughter while you take this time to concentrate on yourself.”
Ms. Vinnie, I did encourage the boyfriend to talk to his daughter before she cut off all contact, not because I gave a whit about her but because it was taking a toll on him. He was planning to drive to her school and talk to her face to face to get to the bottom of things. Up until this point they had been exchanging text messages and phone calls back and forth, she was becoming more and more hostile and he was getting more and more upset.
He told me exactly what he was going to say to her. He was going to say, “Daughter, there may come a day when I need you more than you need me, but right now you need me a hell of a lot more than I need you.”
But he never got a chance to say it. He told me he left her a voicemail telling her he will accept her decision, but if she ever changes her mind, she knows where to find him. She never bothered to respond. Now that’s cold-hearted. And after all he did for her.
That’s why I say, good riddance. She didn’t even care enough about her father to acknowledge his reply.
“I would think he would be thrilled that this “child” is out of his life,” that part really got to me.
Your child is always your child, no matter how old they are. I have an adult daughter. She is not speaking to me at the moment. Mostly because I put my foot down and made her take responsibility for herself. Also because I remarried and had more children.(she thought she was going to be the only child forever)It is a much longer story, but it KILLS me everyday that my baby is living in a very rough part of town and I can’t be there to help her. To guide her. At this point she is refusing all help from me including financial.(her Godmother is on tour in Europe with the band she manages and apparently has her covered) She backed out of all the school plans we had and everything because she couldn’t have everything her way. It hurts me SO much. She is 21 years old, but she is still my baby and will still be when she is 31. Your bf doesn’t see her as “grown” he sees her as his baby who is now a young woman trying to make it. The fact that they’re not speaking to each other doesn’t mean he is just going to forget about his baby girl. That is absurd to even think.
My husband knows my kids come first and I know he feels the same. To not be able to accept that reality from someone isn’t healthy. You need to work on your insecurities. You do not need codependence to feel good about yourself.
” He told me he left her a voicemail telling her he will accept her decision, but if she ever changes her mind, she knows where to find him.”
If he meant it, and he probably did, it means he doesn’t expect an immediate reply but he is leaving the door open for her to come back at any point in their lives.
Ms. Vinnie, you said, “The one daughter who makes her feelings about him no secret is also the daughter who needs my attention the most, and she is the daughter that my husband resents the most, so your story struck home for me.”
Of course he resents her the most! Who wouldn’t? It’s not a very good feeling to know that someone in your partner’s camp secretly (or not so secretly!) wishes you would just hit the road. You obviously love him, cancer or not, and I bet you are feeling just as torn as my boyfriend feels.
How old is your daughter? Does she try to convince you to leave him? What do you say to her? Has she ever threatened to cut off contact with you because of him?
By god, I did not get to the age I am to just sit idly by while an emotionally disturbed *child* does her damnedest to come between me and her father, the man I have chosen to be involved with! Unhealthy or not!
Caroann, I get that. I have two kids, a son and a daughter. My daughter has always been mouthy (she gets that from me) and she played those same games with me. The last time she threatened to stop talking to me I said, “Fine, don’t talk to me. Good luck finding another mother. And find another place to live” Then I packed her stuff, gave her a list of apartments and blocked her from my phone.
I never let on how much it hurt me that MY baby girl was being such an asshole to me. I just played it cool and pretended like it didn’t bother me (it did)
Guess what? A couple months later she came back around, and she is acting like a decent human being. She hasn’t said a cross word to me since.
Sometimes you just have to show them your backbone and not let them emotionally manipulate/blackmail you.
So I know what all too well what you and my boyfriend are going through. Hopefully your girl shapes up and realizes what a loving mother she has. You deserve to be respected by your kid.
Skyblossom, that was over two weeks ago. By not responding, she is deliberately punishing her father for not capitulating to her wishes. That is a pretty shitty thing to do to a loving father.
I’m sure she thought he would have caved in by now and called up begging her to be a part of his life. I hope he sticks to his guns and keeps going no contact with her.
And Carolann, I made that comment (about him being thrilled to have her out of his life) because she was hurting him SO. DAMN. MUCH. After some people, even the most patient of parents reach their limit. I reached mine with my kid and gave her exactly what she wanted. If she had chosen to stay away, I would have had to learn to accept it.
You are not alone. Kids “divorcing” their parents is practically epidemic these days. I know of at least two other people (besides my partner) who are going through this exact same scenario.
You are one. Sick. Woman.
I don’t know if therapy can help you, honestly. You give so little of a shit about this kid’s situation, and you felt the same way about your own kid unless she danced to your tune. And finally, you think this girl’s father is just going to not care about her. All this reveals such extreme selfishness and a complete inability to understand basic human relationships.
I just don’t know what to say. You are appalling.
Wait, so he was so incredibly hurt that she left that voicemail, that it caused him to do a 180 and be glad that she’s out of his life? That really makes no sense, it’s like you don’t grasp how normal human emotions work. You can spin this however you want, but YOU are the one who feels like “good riddance.” Not him. I truly hope you are not sending him the message that you feel like “good riddance” or that he should feel that way.
I would imagine that all this will work itself out. Hopefully he will stick to his guns and she will eventually come around. It may take a while though.
My daughter has her Godmother who has pretty much slid in and taken my place. (The fact that she travels for a living and has access to fabulous locations and surrounds herself with famous actors and musicians doesn’t hurt either) but I comfort myself with the notion that she will come around eventually. That isn’t even what bothers me the most. Worrying about her safety and well being is what really gets to me. The Godmother officially lives in California and my daughter lives in Atlanta, so she drops in during layovers and such (she owns real estate here.) My daughter doesn’t drive (she refuses to get her license and hires cars to take her wherever) it is the fear that she we be a victim that scares me. She isn’t street smart enough. She thinks she is, but she isn’t.
He is probably really worried about what is going on with her and if she is safe etc.
When it gets to the point that both of you are getting physical it is time to back off before something very bad happens. Again without TMI, in the not so distant past I had someone push my son, I pushed them back and they ended up in the ICU fighting for their life. They could have died and I could be in jail. Things can get dangerous very easily. I did NOT mean to hurt this person and they almost DIED because of a simple push.
If it were me I would tell him I was there for him and give the situation space before it pushes you two further apart or escalates to someone getting hurt.
His (and you’re) getting violent is a warning to back off a bit.
W o w. Even if the 19-year-old were a serial killer, I can’t imagine any loving parent feeling relieved or like it was really “good riddance” to be cut off from said child’s life. That you have enabled, encouraged, and delighted in this recent estrangement speaks volumes of your character and your emotional maturity and well-being. You are a sad, miserable, sock person, and your boyfriend sounds equally appalling. Stay together and spare anyone else the trauma of being associated with you.
Wow, Carolann. I’m glad everything is okay now!
If your daughter has a lick of sense, she will eventually realize how much she needs you in her life. She is just being a stubborn turd right now. It’s good that you have someone you trust looking in on her. And my son was the same way about driving. He just got his first driver’s license -at age 21!
And yes, boyfriend has expressed concern for his daughter’s party lifestyle. She attends a known “party school” here on the east coast and the only pictures she posts on Facebook are of her and her friends getting plastered. Pretty gross stuff. I know he’s embarrassed and ashamed, but she will be 20 next month. If that’s the way she wants to live, it’s her life. I know her father didn’t raise her that way. Both he and I didn’t start drinking alcohol until we were well into our forties. (We were both Baptists)
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