Conflict with in-laws, how to behave?
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Strained relationship with in-laws after dispute with spoiled SIL – Seeking Advice on navigating family dynamics
My husband (28m) and I (28f) have been married for over 6 years. I moved to another country to be with him, so basically all of the “family time” is with my husband’s family. I personally think we are seeing each other too much already, but they always try to push for more. Nonetheless, until recently, I believed I had a fairly good relationship with my in-laws, despite occasional minor disagreements.
My husband has a half-sister (20f) who is a spoiled child and lacks respect for her parents and anyone else. While her behavior has always been irritating, I never voiced my thoughts about it since it’s none of my business.
A few months ago, my SIL and I had an argument for the first time. My MIL (52f) got involved by calling me and trying to “remediate” but basically wanted me to admit I did not mean saying what I said. It all ended up becoming a huge argument between everyone. I will spare you the details, but it was really nothing that had to become such a big deal. But since then, SIL and my husband and I don’t talk with each other.
Since then, my MIL behaved out of character with me. For example, she does not send my anything on social media anymore and does not call. We were already planned to spend Christmas together, and it turned out to be a true mess. My SIL looked like she had some issue under her nose throughout the whole thing, and my MIL and FIL tiptoed around her. The day after, my MIL told me she can’t give me almond milk at breakfast because her daughter is also lactose intolerant, so I just should drink tea.
I usually am not a very sensitive person, but being 5 months pregnant, having to endure this kind of atmosphere instead of spending a nice holiday with my husband just really got on my nerves. Especially since my husband doesn’t particularly care to spend any holidays with his family, and it has been a huge deal a few years ago when we decided to go on vacation for Christmas.
After that, MiL called me to ask if I would still be doing a cake for her birthday party like I’ve promised (before the argument). My MIL has a tendency to get me involved in these kinds of activities, like helping to prepare birthday parties for her daughter, doing extra gifts for special occasions, coming early to do makeup for her nieces for the wedding, and so on. Although I really don’t like it, I went along with it out of respect.
This time, however, I was really taken aback by this request and was at a loss for words.
I decided to do it anyway but told my husband that it’d be the last time I do something for them. He insisted his mother cares for me and would also do anything for me. He thinks she is just scared of spoiling the relationship with her daughter since she is out of control.
Yesterday, however, my husband’s biological father’s new girlfriend told me about a conversation my MIL had with him about me. It was basically about how I am at fault for making a remark to my SIL, which made her cry. It was apparently also my fault that my husband has called her and was very upset about the fact she handled the whole situation and told her that she shouldn’t take sides. She also told him that she would be taking her distance with me from now on.
Now this whole situation has really frustrated me. My MIL would always go around telling how I am the same as a daughter to her, and while I, of course, understand that I will always be a “+1” in their family, I thought we were at least in some kind of a “friendship”.
I am really upset, and being pregnant does not help at all. I spent several hours crying over it, so I would just like to get it out of my system. What would you advise me in this situation? How should I behave with them from now on?
What did you say to his sister? I notice you left that out, but it was enough to make her cry. That sounds kind of bad, to be honest.
I think you should stop gossiping with your husband’s biological father’s new gf or anyone else who happens to tell you what someone else said about you, (no one spreading stuff like that has good intentions) they all definitely sound like you think they are a bunch of jerks. Try to put aside all the very personal feelings you are feeling. No matter what happened, you still insulted his sister, her daughter and everyone is still very offended by this. Have you apologized? What kind of relationship does your husband want with his family? What kind of relationship do you want with them? Talk about this with him. He is the person who needs to know what you want so he can deal with his family. To me, it’s sounds like his mother was trying to include you by inviting you to be involved in things, again if you and your husband want something different, you need to talk about it together (communicate) and decide what you want. If he loves seeing his family this much and wants nothing to change, then that’s where you need to decide what you want, and how you can make do with that the best you can. Talk to him and figure out how to mend this, or move on.
Thank you for your opinion.
My husband doesn’t particularly enjoy spending time with his family. This is why my mother in law started running those things by me, as I found it quite difficult to reject (which caused some arguments with my husband, so now I try to consult with him before accepting anything). About her trying to include me in the family, quite frankly, it’s always about things no one else wants to do. Like for ex., she would invite us earlier than anyone and I would find myself helping her prepare someone else’s birthday while her daughter would be having fun in the swimming pools with her friends and so on.
About the argument with SIL, it happened because mil, sil and her boyfriend were spending a weekend in our house. My sister-in-law and her boyfriend slept on an airbed in a guest room. The door there had just been changed and would make a clapping noise if someone moved too much on the airbed. They overslept, and while everyone was having breakfast, the door started clapping loudly, creating a lot of noise. I expected my mother-in-law to address it, but after almost an hour, I ended up asking my husband to handle the noise.
They only emerged from the guestroom when my husband intervened. SIL went straight to the bathroom, and her boyfriend joined us for breakfast, shirtless with a red face and marks on his torso. When MiL asked if they were cold at night, I jokingly commented on his appearance, saying they didn’t seem cold. He laughed it off, and I playfully mentioned that he didn’t have to deny anything, as we weren’t born yesterday. He and mil were laughing about it and we just moved on on other subjects.
Once they left, however, sil sent me a message telling me she did not like I insinuated they were having sex, that they know how to contain themselves and that I put her bf in an awkward position.
So I replied that while I don’t believe they were having sex, but it would be wise of them not to behave in ways that may cause misunderstandings if it is something that makes them so uncomfortable.
I don’t think I was insulting anyone with what I said, while things my SIL wrote to me were quite rude, then my MIL called me just afterwards and was not very nice either. My husband felt the same about that situation, that’s why he took my side and that’s why he contacted his mother afterwards.My sister-in-law was always behaving disrespectfully towards on multiple occasions since we know each other, but I never wanted to engage in an argument with a teenager. And I thought it was my MIL’s job to educate her child, but it never happened. But now that they are adults, I thought it was time to set some boundaries and I don’t see why I would apologise to her.
I’ll also add that since my SIL is with this guy, there always been troubles and he was offended each time he was invited to any family gathering. Her father had to apologise to him twice already for no reason.I understand it is impossible to go no contact with my husband’s family especially now that we will have a baby. But I also feel very offended by this situation and I would like to figure out how to behave with all of them
So to put it concisely the conflict with your sister-in-law can be summarized as this: The door to your sister’s room (in your house) made noise that you found annoying, her boyfriend came down shirtless and you made a comment of front of her parents that embarassed them, and then blamed her for the comment you made?
I mean, yeah, of course you’re going to have conflict with that whole family now. And your husband isn’t really doing anything to help navigate this.
Your dislike of your sister-in-law is poisoning your relationship with the mother-in-law, and you cannot seriously expect the mother-in-law to choose you over her own daughter. So you need to make peace with your sister-in-law, or abandon hope of a relationship with your MIL.
For what it’s worth, the way you describe it here, your sister-in-law sounds like she’s acting like a normal 20 year old. She’s doing things that are mildly annoying at best, and you came down way too hard on her. Maybe there’s a pattern of behavior that you haven’t mentioned here, but if the worst thing they did was make too much noise because of a problem with your door, well, they aren’t the assholes here.
Well they were making a very loud noise in someone else’s house (that sounded like they were having sex) for an hour and the guy came out half naked covered in love marks in front of her mother and they did not find it uncomfortable in the first place. And no one blamed her for anything, it’s not like she found herself in trouble because of it. I didn’t say anything to her but the guy exactly because even though I was annoyed by that situation, I thought that such comments might be a little touchy for a girl.
For what it’s worth, even when my husband called his mother, his main point was that it was the guy’s fault for creating drama over a minor thing again instead of take it to consideration and not be behaving like that in the future.Also, I have never expressed any kind of dislike towards her over the years nor voiced it to anyone. You are right, she behaves like an average spoiled teenager (like for example, each time they come, she would always go first in the shower and spend 1-1,5 hours there and I would have to wait even if I asked to go first for a really quick shower, or she would be rude if she loses when we play board games (about my accent for example) and so on. I just never thought it was my place to say anything about it. In my family, my mom would be the one educating my sister and I if we were not behaving well.
I understand of course that I will not have the same treatment as her daughter, which is completely fine with me. However, I feel like some situations should be approached with some common sense. Since I am still married with her son and can not go no contact with them, I am just trying to figure out how to behave
Well they were making a very loud noise in someone else’s house (that sounded like they were having sex) for an hour and the guy came out half naked covered in love marks in front of her mother and they did not find it uncomfortable in the first place. And no one blamed her for anything, it’s not like she found herself in trouble because of it. I didn’t say anything to her but the guy exactly because even though I was annoyed by that situation, I thought that such comments might be a little touchy for a girl.
For what it’s worth, even when my husband called his mother, his main point was that it was the guy’s fault for creating drama over a minor thing again instead of take it to consideration and not be behaving like that in the future.Also, I have never expressed any kind of dislike towards her over the years nor voiced it to anyone. You are right, she behaves like an average spoiled teenager (like for example, each time they come, she would always go first in the shower and spend 1-1,5 hours there and I would have to wait even if I asked to go first for a really quick shower, or she would be rude if she loses when we play board games (about my accent for example) and so on. I just never thought it was my place to say anything about it. In my family, my mom would be the one educating my sister and I if we were not behaving well.
I understand of course that I will not have the same treatment as her daughter, which is completely fine with me. However, I feel like some situations should be approached with some common sense. Since I am still married with her son and can not go no contact with them, I am just trying to figure out how to behave
Well they were making a very loud noise in someone else’s house (that sounded like they were having sex) for an hour and the guy came out half naked covered in love marks in front of her mother and they did not find it uncomfortable in the first place. And no one blamed her for anything, it’s not like she found herself in trouble because of it. I didn’t say anything to her but the guy exactly because even though I was annoyed by that situation, I thought that such comments might be a little touchy for a girl.
For what it’s worth, even when my husband called his mother, his main point was that it was the guy’s fault for creating drama over a minor thing again instead of take it to consideration and not be behaving like that in the future.Also, I have never expressed any kind of dislike towards her over the years nor voiced it to anyone. You are right, she behaves like an average spoiled teenager (like for example, each time they come, she would always go first in the shower and spend 1-1,5 hours there and I would have to wait even if I asked to go first for a really quick shower, or she would be rude if she loses when we play board games (about my accent for example) and so on. I just never thought it was my place to say anything about it. In my family, my mom would be the one educating my sister and I if we were not behaving well.
I understand of course that I will not have the same treatment as her daughter, which is completely fine with me. However, I feel like some situations should be approached with some common sense. Since I am still married with her son and can not go no contact with them, I am just trying to figure out how to behave
You need to discuss this with your husband and decide what kind of relationship you want with them.
With your further comment, you just sound very judgmental and rude. I’m not surprised everyone is treating you this way now. Why would you try to deeply embarrass them at breakfast? Who cares if they were messing around, it’s none of your business. Have you apologized?
OK, you put a whole lot of explanation justifying your behavior… and when it really comes down to it, you embarrassed your SIL and her bf and then refused to apologize for it. What you did was extremely impolite; it’d be no different from someone stinking up the guest bathroom and then calling them out on it. You just don’t do these things. There was no reason to embarrass them as you did. Your husband had already taken care of the noise all you had to do was say “good morning, would you like some tea?”. But no, you chose differently.
All of the nonsense you’ve noted about SIL seems kind of normal for a young person. She doesn’t seem overly reckless or abusive. She isn’t actively harming you, she’s just living her life and maybe making a little more noise than you’d like on a quiet morning.
You’re right in that you are always going to be the +1 here. You married into this family, and while you are going to be the mother of the grandchild, your husband and SIL are your MIL and FILs children. They will always be the most important people to your MIL. And she will almost always come to their defense first. So if you want a close relationship with these people, then apologize.
You can’t make a person’s child cry and then think they will still have the same high opinion of you. You hurt and embarrassed her daughter, and yo7 still think you were in the right. If you want a better relationship with them, you need to apologize to her and maybe have your husband do some social “smoothing,” like blaming your wild pregnancy hormones for your strange behavior. I don’t know if that’s worth it. You need to be nicer if you want a nicer relationship. Let things go. Good luck.
Uh. One time in my boyfriend’s family’s group chat, someone sent a reaction GIF from an SNL skit with a couple in a hot tub that has some caption alluding to what was going on beneath the water. The bf’s BIL decided to chime in that it was like me and my bf in a hot tub, which was out of context for whatever the conversation was about. I thought that was embarrassing. Like even if his mind went there, why did he have to comment on that in the family group chat? I ignored it. But it was still embarrassing and that was just a dumb group chat comment!
You should not have made that comment at breakfast. And, okay, I guess we all say stupid things sometimes, but when the boyfriend tried to laugh it off, you should’ve dropped it. But you didn’t — you essentially doubled down on calling him/them out. Are you really telling me that you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable if someone made comments like that about you and your husband while you are a guest in their home? (At 20, no less. In front of a parent.) You should’ve apologized for embarrassing them when the SIL texted you. You can still apologize.
Bio Dad’s New Girlfriend is gossipy… I’d be wary of her.
You can also spend less time with his family since you both seem to dislike them. Or you can hang back sometimes and let him socialize with his family of origin solo.
You behaved rudely here, and then when your MIL tried to talk to you about it, it got worse. It sounds like she wanted you to apologize / admit some fault, and you escalated an argument.
Look, you’re 28 and the SIL is 20. For most of the time you’ve known her, you’ve been an adult and she’s been a child. Don’t get into conflict with kids. You two are not on the same level or status. The burden is on you to be mature, polite, smooth things over, etc. Your MIL asks for your help with things precisely because of that difference, where you’re a married woman and her daughter is a kid.
You were super rude with the situation that happened at your home. They were your guests. You should have taken your cues from your MIL, who ignored it. If she wasn’t ok with them sleeping together, she wouldn’t allow them to stay in the same room. She gets that they have sex. It’s not their fault the door was faulty and made noise. It wasn’t nice to ask your husband to go interrupt them and then for you to embarrass them. And then when told you made them feel bad, you should have apologized. They really didn’t do anything wrong in the first place.
I think you need to humble yourself and have an apologetic convo with your MIL. Blame hormones if needed. She needs to know that you get it and want to smooth things over.
