Update-3 months on from when I wrote in. We are still together and very much in love-I can not imagine not being with him. The issue is still a work in progress. We found out that his bad shoulder,that made a lot of various movements painful-is actually broken in two places,has bone chips and arthritis has set in. This was not addressed or diagnosed during his original health crisis. So,he will be getting examined by an expert soon and likely have surgery etc.
So I am hopeful that he will feel better in time. His pain level is quite bad. Also, hopeful that fixing this will lead to the ability to focus on the physical-romance thing. I thank all those who responded and Wendy of course-I know it will be a process that may or may not result in everything I want and need-but as of now I am committed to him.

Thanks,Kate
I am a little surprised at your pessimisim. My optimistic view is that chronic pain is not conducive to sex/romance. We shall see what happens. Honestly,if was advising someone else,a few months ago I wpuld have said to forget it. Love is a mysterious thing and can lead to dealing with,accepting things a person could not have imagined. I my have to bail yet as it is a situation that is frustrating but time will tell. I will update again sometime.

Kate,you may be right,but I am not going there just yet-thanks for your input.

And I’m not saying you’re not a sensible woman or that optimism isn’t a good thing! I think it may not be so great in a case like this though, because if you have it in your head that he’s going to really improve in bed once his shoulder feels better, well, you’ll likely be disappointed, and that wouldn’t be a good thing for either of you.

Depending what drugs he’s been taking for the pain, being in a nonmedicated state might well put him in a position where no pain/no drugs/Viagra allows him to have sex.

Thanks Kate and Ron- I hear what you are saying and it may well be the case that our needs and abilities are just too different in the sexual area-though I feel I have tempered my expectations to fit the situation. But he needs to be giving and trying too. Time will tell.
I want to explain a bit more about his health. When he had the stroke,he was so severely damaged-paralysed from the neck down,unsble to feed himself,control his body functions etc. Thus,his shoulder,which he hurt when he fell,got a bit lost as far as focus and treatment went. It is amazing that he now,walks ( a cane needed and he drags his leg a bit)works full time at a demanding job,etc. etc. He shoulder was bad when I met him but has become progressively worse-to the point where e can barely put his arms round me. So,finally he is getting it properly diagnosed.
Anyway,I will see what happens after this is addressed,as other than the sex thing,we have an amazing love and compatibility,he is a great,thoughtful man. But I cannot honestly be happy long term in a low/no sex relationship. I also plan to discuss this with a therapist. I know this would have been an automatic deal breaker yeaars ago but am trying to be patient and understanding here. Thanks,again. Will write again.