Don’t want to date a broke man
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Hi! I met a really awesome man about a month ago. We hit it off immediately. He has many qualities I like and we finally met and spent time together this past weekend. I drove a good distance to see him. I had family I hadn’t seen in the area so I didn’t mind and I needed a road trip.
It was a wonderful weekend. I did notice though on our date, he kept looking at his phone at what seemed to be his bank account. He passively mentioned he pays close attention to his “budget” and hearing that made me feel like I had to watch what I was getting to eat from the menu the two times he took me out. He did not offer to pay for my gas since I drove all the way in his direction. I also make candied pecans and he mentioned how much he loved them. I decided to bring him some, and he thanked me but said “how bad he felt” because he didn’t get me anything. When we went to cracker barrel for breakfast, in the shop he found something for his mom for “all she has done for him” and still didn’t get me even something as much as a $1 when i hinted at things in the store i liked.
Come to find out, he just moved back in with his parents after a relationship supposedly ended last month. I didn’t find out until I met up with him that even after they broke up, he was still living with her. He just moved in with his parents a little over a month ago.
He also mentions because of child support, alot of his money goes to that. I understand how that is being a mother myself. I also have rent and bills to pay. He doesn’t seem to be very motivated to get on his feet more and focuses on his truck it seems. He also says he is a “content” man which translates to me as a man in his position he doesn’t plan on doing better anytime soon financially. He is working on improving mentally and emotionally which is great but financially I am not convinced he wants more at this point.
Also, his past girlfriend (according to him) left him because the “spark” was gone, he was on his game too much and she was providing the home (not sure if he paid bills or not). When I asked him about coming this way to see me, he says he could try but doesn’t have the funds to do much. I then tell him that with the money I spent to go see him on hotel and gas I had to watch my budget right now. Radio silence. I gave it a day and told him how I felt and that as much as I like him it’s not fair it all falls on me, that at minimum we should both be taking turns to see each other and maybe right now with his financial situation he should focus on that and wait to date. I have heard nothing but radio silence after him telling me how amazing I am, how he cannot wait to see me, spend time with me, how much he misses me, how amazing I am etc. Even his best friend gets on the phone to talk to me to introduce himself and says that i am a gem and he needs to treat me like gold. We connected so well…even us telling our friends and family. It was so promising. But now I feel invisible, non existent and there has been a shift since we saw each other and I told him I saw it and don’t understand what I did. Advice and thoughts are welcome. Thank you.
I’ll cut to the chase here, this date was a dud and you should move on and not continue contact. I think the reason you’re even debating over this is that you spent so much time communicating before meeting up, and took a trip to see him,that you feel invested.
There are a lot of red flags here. You met him a month ago, but he broke up with a live-in girlfriend last month. At the very least, he got on the apps immediately after the breakup, and hasn’t had time to process anything and isn’t ready to date yet.
Getting out his phone to check his bank account, talking about his budget, that’s not normal first date behavior. It indicates someone really cheap, or someone with no sense of appropriate social interactions, or both.
And telling you what his ex said about him too… that’s pretty clueless AND he’s telling you exactly what kind of guy he is and it’s not what you want. And since this isn’t going to work with the long distance, just tell him that and then move on. He’s already told you he can’t afford to visit.
It seems like you got very into him during that month you were talking, and it’s hard to acknowledge that you two actually are not a good fit. It’s always best to just meet right away if you hit it off after a bit of messaging.
I would set your app distance to something you’re willing to drive regularly. I also will say I don’t think it’s reasonable on your part to hope for gifts or gas money on a first date .
I think this is a bad fit or bad timing or both and you need to stop talking and move on.
I agree with Kate here.
Him being broke is the least of the red flags here. I’d be more concerned with how quickly he’s moving on from his ex.
Don’t invest any more time here.
You say he has a lot of awesome qualities but I think you’re giving them significantly more weight than they deserve.
On the “not so great” qualities you mention:
1. Lack of ambition – contentment is lovely if you are satisfied with what you have and want nothing more in life. As a young man, who lives with his parents, and before that lived in his girlfriends home… I would hope that he wants to at minimum have his own place one day and not rely on the handouts of others. Not to mention he has children, their costs are going to keep growing so if he’s not thinking about how he needs to do better financially so that he can give them a better life, education, experiences, whatever … that’s a big ass red flag.
2. Takes people for granted- let’s be real – his last relationship lost it’s spark because he was not behaving like a partner, he wasn’t taking care of his family and he was spending too much time gaming. He’s a man child and he’s already asking you to foot the bill for your relationship. He wants to see you, but not enough to take extra hours at work or reduce his expenditures to pay for gas.
It is ABSOLUTELY OK to say that you don’t want to date someone who is not able to manage their own financial health and puts all expenses on your shoulders.
I don’t even know why you wrote all that out. If you don’t want to date a broke man, don’t? Don’t date him. He’s a dud.
Date local men to you that are available and have the financial resources you require.
He has a family he’s not supporting, which means he is a deadbeat dad. It’s actually pathetic he was his phone much at all during your date. You should have left then. He shouldn’t be dating, he should be working to support his kids and getting out of his mama’s house.
Stop traveling great distances to meet losers. Vet them better. Ask more questions and don’t meet anyone if they are recently out of a relationship. All of his red flags and baggage could have been found out over the phone before you chose to drive however long to see him. Date local.
Anonymousse, because it’s my post and I came here for advice and guidance on a situation that left me confused and unsure of what happened. What’s it to you why or why not I said what I said?
I think you should cut your losses. What others have said about his behavior is spot on. Not to mention, it sounds like he’s actively ghosting you after you asked him to reciprocate the effort of seeing one another! I got ghosted a bit when I was dong the online dating thing, I know it can hurt and that’s okay — it’s not a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on this guy being a dud. But now you can move on. He turned out to have some nice qualities, sure, but you’ve also listed some pretty major flaws and red flags that make him not the guy for you. Instead of internalizing how he made you feel as problems with you, focus on your nonnegotiable and why he isn’t a match for YOU.
Texting a lot leading up to a date can create a false sense of familiarity and intimacy. I agree that you ought to limit the messaging and texting before you meet someone, and meet them as soon as schedules allow. If you can’t meet them within a week or so, you don’t have to become pen pals in the interim. You can ask about prior relationships on early dates and suss out any red flags in the response (e.g., that he’s fresh out of something serious, calls an ex crazy, etc.). IMO you shouldn’t be getting into these topics via dating app or text message, but given what sounds like extensive back-and-forth over a month, I can see why you’d feel like it should’ve come up sooner.
“When I asked him about coming this way to see me, he says he could try but doesn’t have the funds to do much. I then tell him that with the money I spent to go see him on hotel and gas I had to watch my budget right now. Radio silence. I gave it a day and told him how I felt and that as much as I like him it’s not fair it all falls on me, that at minimum we should both be taking turns to see each other and maybe right now with his financial situation he should focus on that and wait to date. I have heard nothing but radio silence after him telling me how amazing I am”
That could have happened via text had you been asking the right questions instead of flirting or whatever for a month right after his breakup. Maybe you’re young but you cannot spend a month texting a dude and not get a hint that 1. He’s broke and lives with his mom 2. He just got out of a relationship when he started up with you.
Please, sorry you read attitude in my comments but if your title says you don’t want to date a broke man, he ain’t it. He’s not even responding to you because you asked for more than nothing from him.
