“Fiancé Didn’t Defend Me to His Abusive Father”
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I thought I was being a little over the top in my thinking but, this gave me a creepy feeling when this dad pointed at you and said something is wrong with you, and then when you wpwere convinced to come back to that hellhole came, he said loves his son but not “that”- that is dehumanizing language. His father calls you and probably treats all women as subhuman things, objects, men’s toys, something to like or not. You didn’t make the food without “wasting water?” In a beach town? Seems really insane and unhinged. That your bf is there and thought bringing you there would be good? and goes along like this is normal and blames it on his abuse- YET knows enough that he’s scared of you telling anyone for fear of what they will think of him. He’s got major daddy issues, and he probably was aware something like this was bound to happen.
Jumping in here quickly to underscore what has already been said. LW, you need to get out of this relationship. The danger signs are very clear, so please heed them and the advice here.
From the LW:
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Thank you, thank you thank youThings had gotten even worse since I’d been home so I’m grateful that everyone has been so unanimous in the advice
My own family have been very much like – trying to make excuses /give him benefit of the doubt – which has really made me feel a bit unsupported and tbh is probably big part of why I ignore red flags myself so much – but this whole episode has made me feel like, well basically what everyone else has said
Unfortunately are living together, and as it is my house I need to somehow make him leave – I’m not sure how to do this but I might give the family violence division at the local police a call. Obviously not trying to press charges over anything (no crime been committed) but hopefully they can help me.
Thank you very much. ”
If you can swing it, I would highly suggest a qualified therapist for you. Be careful and take care. Good luck!
I think you should call a women’s domestic violence shelter organization. They will listen to your situation and help you strategize and plan. It’s really concerning to me that your family is gaslighting you like this. Why do you think they’re doing that? Like are there patterns of abuse in your own family? This is so objectively just a huge NO that I can’t comprehend how anyone could try to explain it away. I think I’d call a women’s org first and see what they think about contacting the police and how the police might be able to help if at all.
Also re-reading your original post and I REALLY hate the fact that he was insisting on driving while so tired he was nodding off. That’s putting you in mortal danger. A normal person would find a motel for the night. Like, they’d be mortified at how their dad acted and pack up and get you out of there to a safe place, not insist on driving 7 hours in the middle of the night in danger of falling asleep at the wheel, then taking a nap at 2am in a rest area which is also not the safest thing. This guy’s judgement is awful but it also feels worse than that, like he was punishing you. It gives me chills.
“ I promise I hadn’t done anything wrong at his dad’s house prior to this, at least I don’t think I had.” this is the chilling part of your letter. It shows you are primed to believe that only if you do all the right things, you can avoid a blow-up. Classic thinking in an abusive situation. Please consider getting some counselling, to help you see that such behaviour is never deserved.
The family violence division might be able to tell you how to evict your soon to be ex, or ideally offer to be there when he’s leaving. Change all locks immediately after and plan to stay with a friend for a week if you can. If you’ve got the cash, an hour of the time of a local attorney who specializes in tenant and eviction issues could also be a good idea. Definitely start with a women’s support group like Kate is suggesting, and get yourself into counseling – a domestic violence org should be able to recommend local practices that accept patients on a sliding scale if you need a low cost option, or if your employer offers an Employee Assistance Program, give them a call.
The fact that your family is making excuses is very concerning, but please know that doesn’t mean they’re correct. For whatever reason they either don’t have your best interests at heart, or abuse is something that they’ve become used to in a way that is clouding their judgement- all things to talk through in counseling. Unfortunately it’s not surprising that things have gotten worse, when an abuser senses that you’re pulling away/not buying their bullshit they’ll often turn up the heat to try to maintain their control. Please get in touch with domestic violence resources asap as this can be a really risky time, and make sure you’ve got a quick escape route if you need it – keep a “go bag” in your car or at a friends with the essentials, you don’t owe him an in-person breakup so please don’t have those conversations anywhere but over the phone, etc. Research shows the very best predictor of violence from an abuser is their partner’s intuition – so trust your gut implicitly. If something feels dangerous, get out immediately. Even if it feels “extreme” or he’s trying to tell you to stay. Your gut told you not to go back in his dad’s house and you were right. Trust yourself.
Argh! Thought I’d seen all the comments before writing, please, follow Kate’s suggestion of a women’s DV helpline, urgently.
Favorite/screen shot these pages. When you think of going back/giving him a second chance, re-read these. Read your family’s reaction to someone who withheld medical assistance and then tried to sweep it under the rug because he knew he was wrong. Your initial account is filled with fear and confusion. You deserve so much more than that.
Just to say you’ve done the math:
The price of what might have been at the very most 2 gallons of water I did a quick google search for the average price of a gallon of municipal water in the US – the answer is a few years old but “average $0.0015 per gallon”. Even if you quadruple that price. You haven’t even reached a dime. So if you’re in the US or Canada that’s your value to them, they valued you at less than a dime.
I would echo everything else that’s been said here, but also want to point something out:
Intentionally denying you the ability to perform first aid on yourself is abuse. He took away a readily accessible treatment, potentially making your burn worse than it could have been. That’s not just failing to defend you to his abusive father — that in and of itself is abuse.
