“Fiancé Didn’t Defend Me to His Abusive Father”
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Original letter writer here.
I just want to say a big thank you to everyone who posted on here.
I broke up with him, luckily he moved out without too much drama and didn’t need to involve police or anything like that… But the past few weeks have still been tough with him sending me, my family and my friends messages about how much he loves and misses me.
I relented over the weekend and met up with hmm for lunch. I think it was a mistake. He hadn’t made any steps towards any kind of counselling or therapy, but he did try very hard to persuade me back into bed with him.
It felt really wrong, I’m not sure why exactly but it just felt wrong that he was pressuring me like that. I didn’t give in tho.
Now I just feel worse all over again. I guess I really hoped he would have thought about things and would be sorry, but he hasn’t and he isn’t. He just “misses me”. I’ve had to go through cancelling the wedding, and knowing that people are gossiping, the financial losses from deposits paid, etc…. meanwhile he still went on his planned stag do with his friends!!! It just feels like he doesn’t care at all.
I’ve blocked him on everything now,even Strava, but it hurts. It really hurts. I just hope it stops hurting soon.
Hey LW – good job. Really, you’ve made a very difficult decision but I am absolutely confident it was the right one. It hurts now for sure, but in the long run you are saving yourself many difficult years. You should be very proud that you were smart enough to realize these facts about your ex-fiancé. In the coming weeks and months you’re going to realize other red flags you have overlooked. It will get easier though.
I know that this has been painful, but I hope with time that you realize the bullet you dodged. I don’t think for one minute that he actually considered your feelings and figured that you’d just miss him enough to let him weasel his way back in to your life. His behavior really highlights the lack of self-awareness and lack of concern for your well being (does he think his dick is magical or something – like it’d hypnotize you into coming back?)
Consider the money loss a misery-avoidance fee. You likely paid a fraction of what it would cost had you gone through with the wedding and came to the same realization a few years later. Go do something nice for yourself today.
Guys who are bad for you always try to come back. They’re not going to respect your decision. They’ll try to change your mind and get another chance. And then it just gets worse. Because now you’ve signaled that no doesn’t mean no, and that it is okay for them to treat you the way they treated you. You need to go no-contact. It’s not mean, it’s kind. Keep him blocked completely, and I would say permanently, because this isn’t a guy you’re ever going to be friends with. And be prepared for him to invade your privacy by sending his bullshit through other people. Do not believe he’s going to change. He absolutely will not.
Don’t worry about gossip. Who is gossiping about you? What negative thing could they say? You dodged a bullet? He’s a POS and you’re lucky to have gotten away? Don’t worry or think about that crap. It does not matter. Focus on your self, your health and what is best for you at every moment, not him or them or anyone one else.
Please Please just 100% block him. You can not heal when your head is in the mind F*ck blender. Your family being involved in trying to get you to get back with him is VERY concerning. Is there abuse in your family of origin? Please look into therapy for yourself to unravel all of this and to help give you tools to spot this type of crap and not doubt yourself. You have taken powerful steps! You are smart and on the right track! Keep up the good work.
LW: Well done. Good on you. You went through all the pain of breaking it off. KA, Kate, Anonymousse are all making excellent points; you are at a dangerous junction, where you might turn back or doubt yourself. Please don’t! It’s normal to feel bad after leaving, even if it’s a good thing. You might be grieving the life you thought you were going to have. It will hurt less. None of the gossips pay your bills, so what they think you *should* do is worth diddly squat. Getting some understanding of what led you to accept awful treatment is going to save you a repeat. Good luck & thanks for the update.
