Friends with the Opposite Gender
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It really depends on what you’re doing. Are you planning on leaving him? Because if your not, you just need to get yourself to a place of acceptance with everything he does with her. If you can really, truly believe that he’s not having an affair with her, you need to just start accepting when he makes plans with her.
At this point, what he does is totally irrelevant. The only thing that should matter at this point is what you’re doing. Are you okay with the status quo? If not, what will get you to be ok with it? And if that answer is nothing, then it’s divorce lawyer time.
You keep trying to tell us that everything is fine and aboveboard. So why are you so upset that it’s making you sick then? Why have you written in here countless times, and you’re still doing so even though everything has gotten so much better?
Because it’s not okay! The whole situation is super fucked up and you know it.
It’s so past the point of “am I in the right” and “is this reasonable.” The answer to those are yes, and no, respectively, but it doesn’t matter because he ALREADY TOLD YOU you can leave and get a divorce if you don’t like it. Nothing you say to him is going to change his behavior.
And finally, I don’t really believe he’s always around other people with her, do you? That story about always hanging with the neighbors sounds like straight bullshit. To be clear, I think it’s bullshit you’re feeding us. I think a lot of what you say on these threads is lies to make the situation look better.
Stop asking us what’s normal or what’s reasonable.
We all keep giving you the same answer over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, yet you want “to hear from someone new to the forum,” because you think you’re going to magically hear — what!? What is the answer you’re looking for?!? That you have nothing to worry about, that he’s right, and that you are therefore crazy? People have even told you to stay, if that’s what you want, but you still aren’t satisfied.
You “saw a text” because you’re playing marriage police and checking his phone obsessively — and probably have been for years. If that’s the life you want, we’re not stopping you.
If you don’t want to hear the solution, then we don’t want to hear the problem.
Still digging into his messages I see. He’s obviously being totally above board and honest with you then…
You’re not okay with his relationship with her. When challenged he said, “I want a divorce.”
You are still in pain and suffering because you are in a marriage with someone who doesn’t give a shit about how you feel. When asked to take it easy with his new friend, he told you she was more important to him than you.
There’s no magic way you can phrase this story to make it sound any better than that.
He doesn’t choose you. It’s time to go. You will continue to feel like shit until you finally see that for yourself and can leave.
Surprise! Someone new to the forum. Please leave him. As someone who has experienced almost this exact type of manipulative behavior and gaslighting – though not just about cheating – this an absolutely losing battle. You will never get what you want by trying to justify this and he’s already told you he won’t change. Please admit to yourself that the reason you want to stay is that at times you feel loved by him and crave that and that you’re afraid of what you’ll do after leaving and how lonely you’ll feel. Seek therapy. Talk to friends. Talk to family. Build a life outside of him. And then leave. This is the one life you get to live and you’re spending obsessing over whether your partner’s secret planning to meet with a woman who lives in a dorm is “normal”? That’s not healthy and you know it.
Also, there is no normal. We all live different lives, have different values, inhabit different bodies, come from different cultures, and so on. What you should be asking is whether you’re happy and fulfilled. Do better by yourself.
Let’s try to sum this up.
Amber, somewhere you’ve picked up this belief that you can’t be happy without a man and so you can’t leave him. You’re approaching this by repeatedly asking us to help you fool yourself into believing that he truly loves you, not her and she’s not really his lover/girlfriend. You apparently think you can spend the rest of your life in this delusion.
I don’t know what’s in his head. It’s possible that he feels some kind of love for you. Or maybe he just says that to get you to shut up and stop pestering him about her. Who knows. What I do know, beyond all doubt, is that he loves her more. He’s told you that. When he said that you could leave if you don’t like it, he was clearly telling you that if you force him to make a choice, he’ll pick her. When he said he’d rather divorce you than give her up, what did you think he meant? She’s more important to him than you are. That’s what he meant.
That’s why I think you’re going about this the wrong way. If you’re determined to stay, you have to see this clearly as it is and accept it: You’re in second place. She’s his main lady. She comes first.
Those are your choices. Fully accept that your husband has a girlfriend who comes first, or leave. Living in some kind of fantasy that none of this is happening? Not an option. You’ve tried. It didn’t work.
I absolutely love Dearwendy. I read a few threads each night just before I go to bed, hoping to find one that I can apply and amp up my Bullshit meter for the future – ready to kick down the assholes like your husband.
Thanks Tina.
Tina,
I have never replied to any of your previous 27 posts, in which you describe your fucked up situation and argue with every sane and rational response. I have read everyone take their time to give very long and helpful responses every single time. Your husband is cheating on you (he literally spent the night with her while ignoring your calls all night. What else do you need?) and gas-lighting you, and you will not find one person on this forum who will reply “Oh Tina, there’s no reason to be paranoid. You have a perfectly normal marriage”.I think @Bittergaymark summed it up perfectly:
“Oh who cares. You clearly will NEVER move on letter writer. So suck it up.”
